I admit I was super nervous as I watched the pre-game show in my Global Express 5000 with a bunch of passed out fashion school students from Paris who I had no plan of dropping off in France after promising them a flight back when we all met at some strange, savage Tokyo nightclub where you had to know a descendant of a member of the Tokugawa Shogunate just to get in. Why was I so nervous? Because there were only like eleven Washington State fans that bothered to show up for the game. That was super arrogant and I really thought maybe something strange might go down. I wondered “what else could people in Pullman, Washington be doing that was cooler than seeing real live awesome people from California”. Tipping cows or whittling wood or something super foresty.
After staring at the giant smashed red velvet cake on the fifty yard line that they call a logo for twenty minutes, I realized the game had started. I paused it and played a quick game of badminton in a sleeveless Lacoste sweater just to be arrogant before coming inside to watch.
I expected the Cougars to score first because it is not fun for Lane Fucking Kiffin unless he gives the other team hope before he adopts their girlfriends and press gangs them into being Song Girls. I got quite a laugh when I saw the Cougs take the lead on a triple-reverse pass that wouldn’t have even worked in Madden. It was super arrogant. It pumped me up. I felt like the bad guy in a movie when the hero makes him bleed for the first time and he wipes his blood and smirks. It was like that. Kiffin definitely was laughing on the insidel. He might have been laughing on the outside, but his all-white coaching outfit was reflecting so much forest sunlight that I couldn’t even tell if he had a face. It was like when Sauron would talk to Frodo in his brain and everything would get all trippy.
Lane quickly helped us answer the question of what’s more arrogant than scoring on a triple-reverse pass. For the first time in the history of modern football, a fullback outran the d-line, linebackers and secondary to break of a 59 yard TD. That’s right. A fullback (which is Spanish for fat and slow) outran the chess team Washington State dresses up as its football team. I am considering sending Wazzu’s defensive coordinator my dry cleaning bill because I was laughing so hard at Havili’s 59 yard jog, I shot mimosa out my nose onto my Egyptian cotton bathrobe. Yes, I stole it from a boutique hotel in New Orleans, but that doesn’t mean I like it stained orange. It reminds Kiff of Tennessee and he freaks me out when he’s pissed off, especially when we’re marlin fishing.
What ensued was a total ass-kicking. We tried very hard to let the Cougars stay in the game. Our three turnovers should have been more than enough to drag out their death for a few quarters, but nothing we did could stop the onslaught. USC racked up over 600 yards of offense, which in Cougar language is “to the old rusty barn and back”.
This week we decided to go for the conservative and disgustingly un-arrogant extra point kick after all but one touchdown. That said, the one two point conversion we attempted and converted was super arrogant. It was more arrogant than a lion in a tuxedo reading the New York Times at Peet’s Coffee (because Starbucks burns their coffee too much for a lion’s palette).
Mitch Mustain came in for the goofy line people up everywhere formation. When the ball was hiked, it was basically just the center and Mitch standing in the middle with the other 9 guys signing autographs and getting ugly Wazzu girls’ numbers. So what did Mitch do with no one around him to pass to? He just kinda took two steps towards the endzone and headbutted whoever the nearest defender was en route to a score. Kiffin almost looked pissed it worked. It was super arrogant like sending back scallops at a seafood place and claiming you actually ordered halibut.
WSU’s coach called Kiffin at halftime and said, “Dude, you made your point. Let’s call it off and share some loaded baked potato skins at Applebee’s”, but Kiffin just hung up and and faxed him back a drawing of his junk and the word ENDZONE written on it. The most arrogant part was that he faxed it. He totally called out WSU for having fax machines. That’s so 1997. Or 12 straight losses to FBS opponents, whichever seems less arrogant.
It was around this time I realized UCLA was going to beat Texas. I found this morally complicated, like watching your ex fight your least favorite co-worker. Who are you rooting for? On the one hand, you are totally pumped to see your douchebag co-worker get knocked out, but on the other hand, can you truly root for your ex in anything other than a falling down the stairs contest? Damn, I just took you all to school. Get me a room in Taper and bring a 40.
We failed miserably in that we actually moved up two in the polls back to 18. Recognition for a job well done is not arrogant at all. I was hoping we’d slip to 22. The only upside is we are ranked ahead of Texas, which is super hilarious. I like bringing it up all the time to my Texas friends. Naturally, they bring up the time Vince Young beat us, to which I respond, “that season didn’t count for us” and they don’t have a counter-punch for a statement so arrogant. That said, I remind them 2005 was five years ago. You lost to the UCLA Bruins like two days ago. I will say this of the baby Bruins. It was definitely super arrogant to suck at football and go to “Texas” with an offense called “pistol” and then grill Bevo like the stack of porterhouses she is. I said it the other day. All that time Mack Brown (who relies on stool softener to stay regular) spent whining about Reggie’s Heisman belonging to Vince Young should have been spent preparing NOT TO LOSE TO UC-FUCKING-LA AT HOME IN FOOTBALL. Damn. Hook ’em, horns. Time to stop thinking National Championship and start thinking HOW NOT TO LOSE TO TEXAS A&M.
I was mailing out all kinds of Lane Fucking Kiffin shirts. I was sifting through intern resumes. I had a busy weekend and now I am already thinking about the Huskies coming down to the Coliseum, but I will save all of that for Thursday’s Arrogant Game Preview. In the meantime, use the links below to help the movement. Buy a shirt, tweet or facebook this post and maybe even order a lobster holding a steak in its claws. We’re two wins away from us unveiling our new shirt. Get stoked.