Can you hear it? Somewhere across town in Westwood kids are having pillow fights at Brew Co. and waiting patiently to eat a couple cookies with ice cream in between them, because that is what Bruins do to let off steam. I came from a world where night activities included buying Slim cigarettes outside Cal Mart and ruining a pair of shoes a week from the sludge on the 9-0 floor. I come from a world where dumping a rum and coke on someone’s shoes is a conversation starter. I come from a place where fraternity houses get burned down and rooftops are for breaking into. I come from USC.
Part of why we started this t-shirt experiment was because I hate how we never have shirts that say exactly what we want to say to the world. Usually, we want to say “I’m better than you” but I think everyone knows that by now. I am sick of cute t-shirts that explain our feud with UCLA. I am sick quipping with fans of the smiling bear in a powder blue dress. I want to take our arrogant movement to a new level. I want to throw a nuclear hot Chano’s burrito in the face of UCLA and then marry its wife and have children that go to USC. I want to tie that old guy with the towel to Traveler and watch the horse drop dookie on him. At least he has a towel handy.
I’ve been asked to be on Platforum: Sports on TrojanVision next week and I plan to talk about my plan, but you, my loyal readers and supporters of this USC movement are getting the heads up. Let me break it down.
No matter what happens this year, we need to be arrogant. When you were a kid and your dad took you to a baseball game, you didn’t care about what place the Dodgers were in, the stats or anything else. You were just stoked to be at Chavez Ravine eating cotton candy and peanuts and singing Take Me Out To The Ballgame. That’s the reality of it. That mindset is still in you. When you root for a team you love, a team that is worthy of celebrating, it is the being there that matters. My junior and senior year we lost one game. I don’t remember those years being more or less fun that our 6-6 year as a freshman. In all those years, we were USC, which was 1,000 times better than getting on a bus to go to Pasadena and watch a bunch of bad football players in powder blue shit the bed and beg their fans to do 8-claps.
Our final game this year will be at the Rose Bowl, a stadium we made famous, but one the Bruins call home. There is nothing more pathetic than your rival being more associated with your home stadium than you are. That is life as a Bruin. Can you imagine if UCLA had gone to 33 Rose Bowls in OUR home stadium? We’d be demanding to move to a new stadium. That’s what makes us “us”. They are feeling super arrogant over there for beating Texas. Good. We’re going to beat their ass in December in our stadium, the one they call home.
So. Here’s my challenge to you. Pitch me your idea for the BEST anti-UCLA shirt of all time. I don’t care how mean it is. I don’t care what kind of language you use. I want the best idea ever. The top five will be posted here via a poll, the winning shirt I will design and we will sell for ONE WEEK ONLY. Then, come December, we will roll to the Rose Bowl and leave some powder blue in the turf. I will throw a party. It will be chaos. You are all invited. It’s going to be like every scene from Gladiator but in the future in space and underwater AT THE SAME TIME.
Here are my rules:
- Submit via email (firstname.lastname@example.org) as we’re not in the practice of stealing ideas.
- Winner will get credit on the site for the idea and an interview explaining how arrogant they are and will be bought drinks wherever they go, just like me.
- Don’t write anything racist. I want arrogant. I want mean. I want snarky. I want vicious. I just don’t want bigot. Don’t even bother. Arrogant isn’t ignorant.
- If you submit an idea, it could get used and my crack team of lawyers will remind you anything you email me is mine.
I want your best ideas. For some inspiration on why UCLA is worthy of the meanest shirt of all time, here are some pictures of things from UCLA that make me roll my eyes and consider eating paint chips until I go blind.
AND IF YOU HAVEN’T…