This week marks the first week of the season where we play a school I actually applied to. As you might expect, I totally got in. I even took a visit although there were only two reasons I took the visit:
- I wanted to prove you could throw a baseball from the entrance of one Starbucks to the next closest Starbucks on a fly without it bouncing and you could continue this across all over metro-Seattle (arrogantly true and really awkward. you are always next to Starbucks there.)
- I heard the official hot dog of the city is a cream cheese hot dog (also true, also super arrogant)
What I discovered on this college visit though is that it is always raining, you have no idea if the girls are attractive under eight layers of raincoat and all the gunshots from people killing themselves due to lack of sunlight makes it really disorienting to try to do fun things like listen to music and meet girls.
Still, I decided to seek out the journalism school and it looked like the building from the end of The Blair Witch Project. I talked to a professor there who was totally shocked I even showed up. I must have been the first person ever to ask him about the journalism program there. In fairness, journalism is pretty stupid if you think about it. At USC, Annenberg is more like an un-chartered sorority. Everyone is hot.
Anyway, halfway through Blair Witch’s sales pitch I asked him if he’d ever slept with a bear and used the ensuing awkward silence to sprint out the door into the drippy Pacific Northwest. Fuck this place. The Space Needle was my nickname in high school.
So that brings us to the task at hand. Washington brings it’s pathetic 1-2 record down to the Coliseum in a battle of former Pete Carroll lab partners. Steve “Pickles” Sarkisian and Lane Fucking Kiffin shared everything (except Layla) when they were co-offensive coordinators together at USC, which by the way was super arrogant because I have never heard of co-coordinators before that experiment. It’s like they both were like “pick me, pick me” and Uncle Pete was like “Reggie, park your fucking Escalade in PSX so no one sees it” and then Sark and Kiff are like, “pick me, come on, pleeeease” and finally Pete’s like “you both can be offensive coordinator, but you have to share”.
It was at that moment Lane Kiffin decided one day he would kill Sark and that Judas of a former d-coordinator Nick Holt (who looks like a guy who got kicked out of the adult film industry after failing to pay several hundred outstanding parking tickets accrued in the late 1990s in Toluca Lake).
Kiffin’s time has come.
Sark embarrassed Uncle Pete last year, mostly because he clearly took a meeting with Paul Allen about the Seahawks job at halftime and our Trojans came out and were on the business end of a 16-13 shafting. Sark was super proud of his shit and frankly it was pretty arrogant. After years at USC, he had some practice.
Not only must Kiffin avenge Uncle Pete’s loss, but he also has his own reasons to hate Sark, who has an equally arrogant four-letter abbreviation for his last name just like Kiff. Sark was the prime candidate to be the Raiders head coach, but when he said no, they went after Kiff, who apparently was so busy headfucking Layla into marrying him, he missed the memo that coaching the Raiders is like signing up for daily prostate exams in your early 20s.
All week, the two have been headfucking each other and frankly, I’m just going to sit back and watch after I talk about what a total douche Jake Locker is.
People are on Jake Locker’s nuts like a squirrel. I used to understand. He is tall, mobile for a big guy and has the name Jake Locker. That said, his record at UW is 10-30. I am changing his name to The Hurt Locker because he leads a team that could explode at any moment. Seriously, if The Hurt Locker was any good they’d have won more than 10 games. Don’t tell me it’s because they don’t have other players. Neither does Michigan, but Denard Robinson just runs for 500 yards every game (saw a t-shirt that said Let’s Get Denarded, felt like I inspired it. so arrogant).
Let me make it SUPER FUCKING CLEAR for the universe. You do not end up a number one pick in the draft when a Google Image Search bubbles up a picture of you KISSING YOUR OWN MOTHER ON THE LIPS.
Hey Hurt Locker. Next time someone compares you to Steve Young, remind them you can’t find a picture of Steve Young KISSING HIS MOTHER ON THE LIPS. Dude, her eyes are closed. What is going on up there? How is this not national news? HE IS KISSING HIS MOTHER ON THE LIPS. When his friends say “you crazy mother-#$@er” does he get super offended? Does it get weird? No wonder he is 10-30 at Washington. He has a lot on his mind. LIKE KISSING HIS MOTHER ON THE LIPS.
You can tell Kiff is taking The Hurt Locker super serious… He pulled freshman QB Jesse Scroggins off the scout team and is using him to simulate The Hurt Locker’s mobile mother-kissing style of play. A scout player to simulate a “potential number one pick”? That’s pretty arrogant. Not as arrogant as Kiff’s response to Daily Trojan asking him about why for the first time USC moved up in the AP following a win.
“There must have been a lot of teams that lost in front of us,” Kiffin said.
Kiff my ass, AP! That was super arrogant. The Hurt Locker even took a time out from making out with his mother to laugh at that quote. But then he went right back to making out with her.
Let’s talk about U-Dub for a minute and the fact that U-Dub is the nickname for their school. One of the douchiest things in sports is to give people names like A-Rod and Rich-Rod and K-Rod. Along with everything that ever is on Entourage and the term “bling”, no practice that sports anchors have pillaged from the hip hop community is more annoying than the whole A-Rod thing. U-Dub just sounds like a left fielder for the Royals to me at this point. If you wanted to be arrogant, you’d just say they named George Washington the President after your school even though it wasn’t chronologically possible. If someone questions it, you just take out a sharpie and write “I’m into cats” on their forehead.
Also, let’s get honest. Huskies are cool dogs, but with the terrible weather and dominant Pac Northwest fashion being puffy raincoats, isn’t a Husky just a polite way of describing a student there? That’s all I am saying. I think it’s kind of arrogant to be husky, so I am not really picking on them for this. I like to get a little fat in the winter as much as the next guy (only I wear a velvet bathrobe when I do it). Actually, Husky is kind of an arrogant concept. Just a little fat. OK. Their team name may be the thing we need to game plan for most come Saturday.
Really, it starts and stops for me with the fact The Hurt Locker KISSES HIS MOTHER ON THE LIPS.
Kiff is going to be super pissed for our embarrassment last year and I am expecting levels of arrogance so high this weekend that our team will play the game in seer suckers and boat shoes.
USC – 53
MOTHERKISSERS – 14 (Hurt Locker definitely runs two in so he has an excuse to run to the sideline to make out with his mother)
TWO PT CONVERSATIONS ATTEMPTED: 5 (we convert all five because Mitch Mustain doesn’t make out with his mother. just hot chicks Kiffin throws his way.)
Finally, a little good news for all the hot chicks and super hipster guys out there. We are officially offering V-Neck versions of both our classic t-shirts so you can just get super arrogant and show off a little more skin. Also, we’re 2 wins away from our new design. Get fired up and then click all the links below and help spread the arrogant movement.