Arrogant Game Preview: Washington

This week marks the first week of the season where we play a school I actually applied to.  As you might expect, I totally got in.  I even took a visit although there were only two reasons I took the visit:

  1. I wanted to prove you could throw a baseball from the entrance of one Starbucks to the next closest Starbucks on a fly without it bouncing and you could continue this across all over metro-Seattle (arrogantly true and really awkward.  you are always next to Starbucks there.)
  2. I heard the official hot dog of the city is a cream cheese hot dog (also true, also super arrogant)

What I discovered on this college visit though is that it is always raining, you have no idea if the girls are attractive under eight layers of raincoat and all the gunshots from people killing themselves due to lack of sunlight makes it really disorienting to try to do fun things like listen to music and meet girls.

Still, I decided to seek out the journalism school and it looked like the building from the end of The Blair Witch Project.  I talked to a professor there who was totally shocked I even showed up.  I must have been the first person ever to ask him about the journalism program there.  In fairness, journalism is pretty stupid if you think about it.  At USC, Annenberg is more like an un-chartered sorority.  Everyone is hot.

Anyway, halfway through Blair Witch’s sales pitch I asked him if he’d ever slept with a bear and used the ensuing awkward silence to sprint out the door into the drippy Pacific Northwest.  Fuck this place.  The Space Needle was my nickname in high school.

So that brings us to the task at hand.  Washington brings it’s pathetic 1-2 record down to the Coliseum in a battle of former Pete Carroll lab partners.  Steve “Pickles” Sarkisian and Lane Fucking Kiffin shared everything (except Layla) when they were co-offensive coordinators together at USC, which by the way was super arrogant because I have never heard of co-coordinators before that experiment.  It’s like they both were like “pick me, pick me” and Uncle Pete was like “Reggie, park your fucking Escalade in PSX so no one sees it” and then Sark and Kiff are like, “pick me, come on, pleeeease” and finally Pete’s like “you both can be offensive coordinator, but you have to share”.

It was at that moment Lane Kiffin decided one day he would kill Sark and that Judas of a former d-coordinator Nick Holt (who looks like a guy who got kicked out of the adult film industry after failing to pay several hundred outstanding parking tickets accrued in the late 1990s in Toluca Lake).

Kiffin’s time has come.

Sark embarrassed Uncle Pete last year, mostly because he clearly took a meeting with Paul Allen about the Seahawks job at halftime and our Trojans came out and were on the business end of a 16-13 shafting.  Sark was super proud of his shit and frankly it was pretty arrogant.  After years at USC, he had some practice.

Not only must Kiffin avenge Uncle Pete’s loss, but he also has his own reasons to hate Sark, who has an equally arrogant four-letter abbreviation for his last name just like Kiff.  Sark was the prime candidate to be the Raiders head coach, but when he said no, they went after Kiff, who apparently was so busy headfucking Layla into marrying him, he missed the memo that coaching the Raiders is like signing up for daily prostate exams in your early 20s.

All week, the two have been headfucking each other and frankly, I’m just going to sit back and watch after I talk about what a total douche Jake Locker is.

People are on Jake Locker’s nuts like a squirrel.  I used to understand.  He is tall, mobile for a big guy and has the name Jake Locker.  That said, his record at UW is 10-30.  I am changing his name to The Hurt Locker because he leads a team that could explode at any moment.  Seriously, if The Hurt Locker was any good they’d have won more than 10 games.  Don’t tell me it’s because they don’t have other players.  Neither does Michigan, but Denard Robinson just runs for 500 yards every game (saw a t-shirt that said Let’s Get Denarded, felt like I inspired it.  so arrogant).

Let me make it SUPER FUCKING CLEAR for the universe.  You do not end up a number one pick in the draft when a Google Image Search bubbles up a picture of you KISSING YOUR OWN MOTHER ON THE LIPS.

Hey Hurt Locker.  Next time someone compares you to Steve Young, remind them you can’t find a picture of Steve Young KISSING HIS MOTHER ON THE LIPS.  Dude, her eyes are closed.  What is going on up there?  How is this not national news?  HE IS KISSING HIS MOTHER ON THE LIPS.  When his friends say “you crazy mother-#$@er” does he get super offended?  Does it get weird?  No wonder he is 10-30 at Washington.  He has a lot on his mind.  LIKE KISSING HIS MOTHER ON THE LIPS.

You can tell Kiff is taking The Hurt Locker super serious…  He pulled freshman QB Jesse Scroggins off the scout team and is using him to simulate The Hurt Locker’s mobile mother-kissing style of play.  A scout player to simulate a “potential number one pick”?  That’s pretty arrogant.  Not as arrogant as Kiff’s response to Daily Trojan asking him about why for the first time USC moved up in the AP following a win.

“There must have been a lot of teams that lost in front of us,” Kiffin said.

Kiff my ass, AP!  That was super arrogant.  The Hurt Locker even took a time out from making out with his mother to laugh at that quote.  But then he went right back to making out with her.

Let’s talk about U-Dub for a minute and the fact that U-Dub is the nickname for their school.  One of the douchiest things in sports is to give people names like A-Rod and Rich-Rod and K-Rod.  Along with everything that ever is on Entourage and the term “bling”, no practice that sports anchors have pillaged from the hip hop community is more annoying than the whole A-Rod thing.  U-Dub just sounds like a left fielder for the Royals to me at this point.  If you wanted to be arrogant, you’d just say they named George Washington the President after your school even though it wasn’t chronologically possible.  If someone questions it, you just take out a sharpie and write “I’m into cats” on their forehead.

Also, let’s get honest.  Huskies are cool dogs, but with the terrible weather and dominant Pac Northwest fashion being puffy raincoats, isn’t a Husky just a polite way of describing a student there?  That’s all I am saying.  I think it’s kind of arrogant to be husky, so I am not really picking on them for this.  I like to get a little fat in the winter as much as the next guy (only I wear a velvet bathrobe when I do it).  Actually, Husky is kind of an arrogant concept.  Just a little fat.  OK.  Their team name may be the thing we need to game plan for most come Saturday.

Really, it starts and stops for me with the fact The Hurt Locker KISSES HIS MOTHER ON THE LIPS.

Kiff is going to be super pissed for our embarrassment last year and I am expecting levels of arrogance so high this weekend that our team will play the game in seer suckers and boat shoes.

SCORE:
USC – 53
MOTHERKISSERS – 14 (Hurt Locker definitely runs two in so he has an excuse to run to the sideline to make out with his mother)

TWO PT CONVERSATIONS ATTEMPTED:  5 (we convert all five because Mitch Mustain doesn’t make out with his mother.  just hot chicks Kiffin throws his way.)

Finally, a little good news for all the hot chicks and super hipster guys out there.  We are officially offering V-Neck versions of both our classic t-shirts so you can just get super arrogant and show off a little more skin.  Also, we’re 2 wins away from our new design.  Get fired up and then click all the links below and help spread the arrogant movement.

CLICK HERE TO BUY SHIRTS.

CLICK HERE TO FAN LOST ANGELES ON FACEBOOK
(so I know I am bringing the lumber)

CLICK HERE TO GET DOWN WITH ME ON TWITTER

35 Comments

Filed under Rants and Musings

35 responses to “Arrogant Game Preview: Washington

  1. Ali

    Woot, I was in Annenberg, and I felt ugly.

    And wooooord for girls tees.

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  3. I waited for a V, and you delivered. Took long enough, which is of course, arrogant. But thanks all the same.

  4. ManBearPig

    Its super arrogant that you make fun of the whole UDub and A-Rod thing when we call our own player RoJo.

  5. Bottlecock

    I’m can’t stand waiting for a new shirt after we arrogantly take bowl eligibility away from some other pathetic team, and the NCAA shits all over itself trying to figure out which losing team gets to go to a bowl…

  6. Marko

    Always wondered why Mr.10-30 passed up on millions so he could come back and qb the puppy dogs. You win ten games in your CAREER and you have a chance to make as much money in the NFL as Carson Palmer did, who won more games in his senior year than Locker has. Maybe he’s going the Matt Leinart route and doing the whole I’m a senior superstar playboy thing. I get that, I’m all for it, but when the hottest chick at your game is your mom, and you STILL make out with her, well, I just wonder what his motivation is…

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  8. jpfoursc

    zack,

    where is my shirt? ordered that shit like last year. you know i gotta represent on saturday son.

    lane fucking kiffin, bro. that is all….

  9. NeverLand

    Has Kiff purchased a shirt yet? It’s pretty arrogant to wear a shirt with your own picture and name printed on the front of it. Maybe he is waiting for the polo and visor to come out after the V-neck.

  10. Josh M.

    I’m waiting for the visors Zack….How’s about when we go 13-0 you get on that and add something along the lines of “Sanctions ain’t got shit on 13-0” or “USC = University of Sanctioned Champions 2010” on the side. Or just make another shirt. I’ll buy both.

    p.s. Looking forward to win #6.

  11. CAVY

    I’m pretty sure its in Annenbergs charter to only accept ridiculously hot chicks. Like we are so arrogant we screen applicants by looks first, then grades. I can totally appreciate that level of arrogance and call on the rest of USC colleges to do the same.

  12. I’m feeling super arrogant today. So much so that I’m not even going to comment on this blog post.

  13. Its super arrogant that you make fun of the whole UDub and A-Rod thing when we call our own player RoJo.

  14. Marko

    The difference between overconfidence, confidence and arrogance?

    Overconfidence – I THINK I am better than you, but I am not

    Confidence – I HOPE I am better than you

    Arrogance – I KNOW that you KNOW that I am better than you

  15. Matt

    Arrogance is paying your players.

    Arrogance is predicting a 40 point win over a conference opponent that scored 21 points against a top 10 opponent when you haven’t played a top 25 team all year.

    Arrogance is USC.

    The beat down the UW is going to put on USC will only further highlight how one team is moving in the right direction, while the other is getting ready to return to the mediocrity it felt in the early 90’s.

  16. Umm?

    What the fuck. I cringed through this whole post. Jesus.

  17. Brian Stevens

    32-31… Keep talking shit. 2 in a row for the Dawgs

  18. JS.UW

    wow..this really blew up in your face, didn’t it?

  19. dustin

    hey great game yesterday lolllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

  20. Rosie

    I’d just like to say – Bwahahahahahahaha hahaha ahaha ahahahahaha ha ha.

    Ha.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, there is not a cloud in the sky so I’m going to rip off a few layers and sit in the sun, and thank all that is good that I don’t attend SUC. Oh, m’bad, U$C.

  21. Husky

    Go DAWGS!!! You arrogant little bitter sally… way to hold your own out there on the field. That was our first road win since 2007 at Stanford, and we’ve won two … 2… TWO …. years in a row now. Bring your pathetic excuse for a fan base up to our house next year and let’s make it a threepeat, Lakers style. How’s it feel to be ranked? Oh that’s right you aren’t now. I loved walking out of the stadium yesterday hearing comments from “fans” saying, “I don’t see what you’re so happy about. You only won by 1 point!” Oh that’s right, you’re just fair weather fans… which being from (bet you’re not from LA or even California, you douche) USC wouldn’t that mean you’re always a “fan”? You’re pathetic. Two years running…

  22. chris daltas

    I’m sorry about your team and your school situation. If I were really into terribly spoiled blond chicks with bad roots and cleft chins, I would agree that you won by going to USC.

    So, was at this game and I have to say USC has the ugliest campus in the conference and it’s not even close. It’s like a 1990 Mexico City, disgusting.

    Enjoy the cleft chins bro. Real journalists go to New York, the rest go to USC.

    I’ll take a V-Neck, are you selling them in purple? Crimson’s for suckers, two years and running…

  23. TMB Trojan

    I love how they keep harping on the “2 in a row…” What an accomplishment…oh, wait, it is for them. Besides a 5 game run in the mid 1930’s (yes, I’m talking about 80 years ago), their best streak against us is 3 in a row. This is probably fortunate, as they may have difficulties counting that high wearing mittens. Another important stat…49-28…all-time record between SC and uw. Wow – now that’s arrogant.

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