I have to admit something to everyone. I didn’t actually watch the game on Saturday. I did, however, hire a local group of homeless men to re-enact the game in the lobby of the Four Seasons on Doheny. You should have seen the guy doing the Jake Locker impersonation. He even kissed a cocktail waitress and said “I love you, mom”. I rented him the penthouse suite as a thank you. Then I left without paying the tab. I was feeling pretty arrogant and not super stoked the Fighting Kiffins couldn’t pull out the “win”.
That said, I got the sense a lot of my arrogant brethren did not know how to act following a “loss” to the Washington Huskies. I am here to talk you off the ledge and for those of you who, like me, are in a perfectly arrogant mood on this cloudy Monday, I’ll give you a recommendation on reasonably pricing personal private jets. (Go with MarquisJet, they have the most attractive saleswomen and their Egyptian cotton sheet upgrade is a scale-tipper).
First, let it be restated that our goal was never to be undefeated, but rather to be arrogant, and in doing so, be relevant. While our record falls to 4-1, our record for being totally arrogant remains at 5-0, starting first with my 41 point win prediction last week. If we keep it up, if Kiffin continues to manage timeouts arrogantly, if we continue to miss field goals and lose by 1 point, I want to say it: I believe we can go undefeated in arrogance. It is not out of reach. We control our own arrogant destiny.
I have had a handful of Husky fans (who are most likely pale) attempt to give me grief about my arrogant prediction with emails like “wow, that really blew up in your face” and “keeping talking asshole”. My response has been uniform. I just send them a picture of a fat person in a raincoat and go back to shredding hundred dollar bills which I plan to mix with temperpedic foam to create the most arrogant hybrid mattress of all time.
Let’s move on. The most arrogant part about this loss was that it was an in-house deal. Frankly, I expected a lot more shit talking from the Husky faithful, but I feel like they know their coach and d-coordinator are Trojans. Their NFL coach is a Trojan. Their entire model for rebuilding their dumpster fire of a program into a winner was to hire a ton of Trojans and set them to work. For that, the Huskies are our little brothers and we can arrogantly take credit for giving them the knowledge to be winners (not unlike in Red Dawn when Patrick Swayze teaches everyone to hunt and makes that dude drink deer blood. That shit was arrogant). In a way, the Huskies may be too proud to thank us for our coaching staff, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t too arrogant to say “you’re welcome” (not unlike in our university commercial, which is kind of arrogant, but nowhere near as arrogant as the one back in the day where Tommy Trojan just rides around in the mist and we proclaim that Neil Armstrong was a Trojan. Fuck you Pac-10. The moon is our endzone. Also, you’re welcome for Star Wars).
The Hurt Locker actually got hurt for a while, so that was hilarious. He also had a ton of his mother’s lipstick on his jersey. What the hell were they doing in the tunnels of the Coliseum? Enough. One nice thing about the game being over is I can stop talking about The Hurt Locker and all his hooking up with his mother. I need a shower already. They should just rename their offensive package “The Oedipius”. Okay, now I’m done.
Arrogantly, we have precious little time to waste thinking about our “loss” to Washington. We are playing the one true threat to our undefeated season in arrogance next weekend, the Stanford Indians (I do not recognize their name change to the ambiguous and clearly asexual Cardinal). Coming off a big loss, Coach Harbaugh is looking to get arrogant again in what is truly the arrogant head coaching matchup of the season, and quite possibly ever. Bolsheviks vs Menesheviks was not this arrogant. This is more arrogant than Megatron vs Optimus Prime. Literally, this is more arrogant than the time I went to Yellowstone with a molotov cocktail and provoked a black bear to fight me by torching his 1997 Nissan Maxima. I have never been more excited to write an Arrogant Game Preview than I am for this one on Thursday. You’re welcome in advance.
Real quick, we scored a HUGE ARROGANT VICTORY over the University of South Carolina, who despite being bad at everything and located in a hurricane’s public restroom, still wanted to claim usage of the abbreviation “SC”. The Supreme Court (who are super arrogant) ruled in our favor and thus prevented all further use of the term “SC” by South Carolina, who now must limit themselves to their super intimidating current logo and nickname:
After we won, the LA Times quoted USC lawyer Michael Adler as saying:
We have always been ‘SC,’ ” Adler said, “and we were there first.”
So, we’re 4-1 on the field, we’re 5-0 in arrogance. I like where we are at and I know you all do too. Thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes yesterday and thank you to everyone who stood with me in arrogance. The joy is in being a Trojan. If you didn’t go there, you don’t get it and you never will. That is super depressing, but if your wife is hot enough, your kids might be able to go there. So in honor of my birthday, I am breaking my rule of waiting until bowl eligibility to release our newest t-shirt. It is the right move in terms of arrogance, and in light of our recent setback, I think it is time to remind ourselves of the point of this season.
Really good looking ladies and gentlemen, we give you the Bowls Are For Salad t-shirt, available in V-Neck and Crew. Quitting is arrogant. Buy your shirt if you have not already. There were hundreds of our shirts at the game on Saturday and thank you to everyone who sent arrogant pictures. Even more arrogant, we had a huge day of sales AFTER the Washington game. That means it’s working.
I can’t wait to party with you all individually when we beat Cal by 75 points in 2 weeks. They are the Golden Bears. And if you are a loyal Lost Angeles reader, you know what I do with bears. Get a shirt, email me your info if you want me to come by your tailgate, but I mean, you need to really bring it. *I know a ton of you already sent me info, but I am arrogant and don’t write it down. Send again before Cal and I’ll bring the camera.*