I woke up this morning with only one thought on my mind. I was trying to remember the name of this place in Baltimore where I ate the most amazing crabcakes with a stranded United Nations attache to Switzerland who didn’t believe me that crabs came in cake form. Also, that attache was a supermodel and owned a chocolate factory. I kept calling her Willy Wonka, but she didn’t get the reference. So arrogant. The second thought on my mind this morning? Jim-Fucking-Harbaugh.
This will be the only week of the season where I must admit, we are underdogs. Jim Harbaugh is one of the most arrogant human beings on the planet and he is coaching one of the most arrogant schools on the planet. The tale of the tape is staggering in this match. We have the two most arrogant coaches in the country and it is well-documented. Our color is cardinal. Their team name is Cardinal (not plural, so arrogant). They are a private school with a big endowment. We are a private school and clearly well endowed, me especially. We are both elitists. We are both in California. Man, their full name is Leland Stanford Junior University. So arrogant. It sounds like the title of an existentialist pamphlet and to make it worse, Stanford alumni actually understand existentialist pamphlets. For me, existentialism is having an extra drink at the bar even if I have to wake up early the next day.
I want you to understand your enemy in Harbaugh. There’s precious little time as he is going to the NFL as soon as Andrew Luck, his quarterback, goes to the NFL. If you want to understand why he is waiting for Andrew to leave, I could tell you it’s his commitment to a recruit or I could just show you this picture:
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Looking at this, I feel like Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura when he figures out Einhorn is a man and then he burns his clothes and showers to “The Crying Game” soundtrack. That’s pretty much where I am at right now. It gets better. When asked about his favorite player, here’s what Harbaugh said to KNBR Radio:
“He’s the best I’ve been around, pro or college. He’s just got no red flags about him whatsoever. He’s a really hard worker.”
I’m not much for innuendo, but I’m not even sure he is talking about football there. If you read it to music, it kind of sounds like lyrics to a Beyonce song about making your man work for your love.
None of that changes the fact that last season in the Coliseum, Harbaugh went for two in the final seconds of the game despite a commanding lead and no reason at all to do it. His reason? Basically that he felt like he could do it, which was impressively arrogant. And he did and USC got its worst loss in over 40 years. Now that Uncle Pete has gone to Seattle to open a Starbucks and serve maple bars to pale people in raincoats, it is Lane Fucking Kiffin tasked with getting revenge from an opponent that will be favored on the field. I want to tell you personally, every time I fight a bear, I picture Jim Harbaugh. The guy even played for the Bears.
How do we combat Jimmy Harbaugh? Winning the arrogance battle, which is not unlike the field-position battle, only it is way more entertaining to watch. It will be a tough test. Rumor has it the Grand Canyon was formed when Harbaugh was on a family vacation and couldn’t find a restroom after a hearty barbacoa Chipotle lunch. This is what we’re up against. That said, our coach wears a visor and an all-white ensemble like some sort of magical knight from a very arrogant time of yore. It’s the kind of power outfit that could make Andrew Luck form a man-crush on him, therefore making Harbaugh jealous and careless. Kiff, this week Layla will not be able to entice the opposing quarterback. Just you, big guy. Also, thanks for finally accepting my friend request on Facebook. (that’s true, actually)
With so much arrogantocity on the sidelines, us, the 12th man, will need to really tip the scales in our favor by reminding them that their arrogance is like Billy Zane from Titanic. We’re more like Robert Downey Jr. in Malibu ditching his stash on the PCH before the cops pull him over arrogant. We’re the new hotness in arrogance, but we still look good in a monocle. If we wear 1980s clothes, they become 2010s clothes. Honestly, the American Apparel catalog is just pictures from a USC sorority invite. Let me fire you up now.
In 1972, Stanford caved in and ditched the name “Indians” because it was insensitive. Maybe that is true, but Cleveland is still the Indians. Illinois is the Illini. Florida State is the Seminoles. For crying out loud, the Washington Redskins are called THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS. That is so racist it is almost not racist anymore. Basically, Stanford, you caved in like Harbaugh does everytime Andrew Luck asks him to have extended curfew and looks at him with those big doe eyes. Plenty of teams have insensitive names. Shit, the local high school I grew up near was the Westlake Warriors and they came under heat for it. Guess what, they are still the Warriors. How bout use your endowment to create a bio class called “How to Have a Fucking Backbone and Not Name Your Team Something Ambiguous.” You went from having totally arrogant banners like this:
To celebrating easily the dumbest mascot in the history of guys-who-can’t-get-girls-dressing-up-as-animals-because-they-can’t-make-the-football-team. We are treated to a Trojan warrior stabbing the fifty yard line with a sword and celebrating the death blow BEFORE THE GAME (That’s so arrogant I just filled a co-worker’s Sigg bottle with vodka while they were in a meeting and patiently am waiting for the fireworks. Even more arrogant, I made the vodka from scratch by staring at a potato and calling it a bitch). What does Stanford get? A creepy tree that looks like it was an arts & crafts project from a methamphetamine rehab clinic:
Look at this thing. It looks like it is perpetually trapped in that moment before a creature decides it is going to kill itself. Like in Alien when the people are all covered in space boogers and keep whispering “kill me”. That’s what is going on with this poor tree. I got an idea, creepy tree. Next time Tommy Trojan is coming out to the fifty yard line to stab the field, LAY DOWN ON THE FIFTY YARD LINE. We will set you free my redwood brother. You can go to a better place (and if you have ever been to Palo Alto, you know that won’t be hard to do).
Then there is the Stanford band, renowned for sucking at playing music and not being very funny. I can appreciate the arrogance of a top flight school who has the resources to have a good band having a bad band and celebrating it, only let’s be honest. Once the Indian was removed as mascot, what was the point? It’s like when you get dumped and just stop shaving and showering. Pretty soon, you are pissing in the shower. Stanford’s band. Pissing in the shower. Also, traditionally, Stanford is terrible at football so it was probably super awkward balls to be a serious band when the team is a garbage sandwich. Even right now with USC seemingly vulnerable, Stanford knows their two year run will end eventually and we will return to prominence again (it’s arrogant to say we aren’t prominent with a 4-1 record). Also, when we go ‘on a run’, it doesn’t mean have a winning record. It means Rose Bowls, which I am pretty sure aren’t even on television in Palo Alto (but, hey, thanks for Facebook guys).
Another thing. Tiger Woods went to Stanford. Here’s a guy who is supposedly smart and at the top of his sport. What brings him down? Inability to juggle being a billionaire, being the best in his sport, his supermodel wife and his harem of ugly mistresses. Stanford business school clearly didn’t have a course that taught people how to handle being a rockstar. Not really a problem for USC kids. A Trojan can juggle the other three things without needing to golf, which is such a waste of time. You would like golf, Stanford. You think Neil Armstrong’s wife had a problem with him hooking up with moon girls? Not at all. They had a super open relationship and she understood the moon was his endzone. Tiger essentially fumbled on the 1 yard line of life. I just fight bears for money.
There is so much arrogance on both sides I have to be honest and say I see this being a squeaker. Andrew Luck fumbles at the end of the game when Kiffin just starts making out with Layla before the game even ends. Jealousy ensues. Luck is distracted. It’s Harbaugh in a fit of rage that sacks his own quarterback and causes the fumble. I do not see this play because I am accepting an award for Best Shit Ever from the LA Better Business Bureau.
Two Point Conversions Attempted: 23 (that is cumulative between both teams. record is set for most touchdowns without a PAT. so arrogant)
A win on the field this weekend would really energize the student body and push us to levels of arrogance so high, we’d be banned from swimming in the ocean in fear that our adrenaline would cause all the fish to explode and driving the price of sushi up tenfold. Win or lose on the field, I will have my eye on the arrogance battle, because the odds are, it will be a battle of epic proportions, not unlike the heated battle prospective Stanford students fight for over admission only to realize when they arrive they will spend four years watching this crazy leaf-covered pedophile spin in circles on a coke binge, totally unaware that he is in a football stadium, or even a mascot in at all:
In all seriousness, please send a letter to Stanford to beg them to euthanize the Tree who needs us now more than ever. Stanford will not do it because Stanford loves torturing people. They also don’t believe in whiskey, bear fighting or America.
If you haven’t joined the thousands of supporters of this arrogant movement yet, click these links and join in. If you see me on campus with my shirt on for the Cal game, give me a beer, but you better have a shirt on that I created because I only talk to people who wear things I invented. Damn, that’s arrogant. And by the way, this post just gave us a 14 point lead in the arrogance battle.