I was nervous I might miss this game as I found myself watching it at a mansion in Holmby Hills that was so large it had not only and East and West Wing, but also an Extreme East Wing, which was super arrogant. Also, this Extreme East Wing had a strict dress code for footwear and all attendees not wearing Sperry Docksiders were not allowed in. Luckily, I always keep a pair in my glove box because of what happened one time I didn’t have them with me when I was crashing a big game hunting fundraiser in Maryland. Long story, but the morale is I can’t resist crabcakes after a bottle of Blue Label. Anwyay, I had to use the bathroom, but in order to adhere to my strict “only-use-bathrooms-with-both-a-shower-AND-a-bathtub rule, I had to travel to the Extreme East Wing and got lost. Luckily, I left a trail of caviar and found my seat just before the game began.
As I predicted, the game on the field was very close. Despite Robert Woods being iller than botulism, our Trojans fell short by two points when we could not stop the Stanford Indians from a late drive and field goal. I am not one to harp on bad calls, having lived through a Rose Bowl (that didn’t count so who cares) where Vince Young passed for a TD with his knee on the ground not long after a Reggie Bush forward lateral was called a fumble, but there was one call in this game that made me so angry I woke my stock broker up, told him we were dumping all our Apple stock, made him argue with me for ten minutes, before telling him that he was right and I was probably just nervous about the fact I was going to fire him and take my business to another broker. I waited 24 hours before telling him I was kidding by sending him a fruit basket that was made up of caviar molding into the shape of fruit. So arrogant.
The call I was speaking of was during Stanford’s final drive when in a loud stadium with no clear whistle, Chris Galippo gave a Stanford receiver a love tap while he was jostling for forward progress with another USC defender. In a game where a field goal would make the difference, the referee (who loves killing endangered species and hates baseball and summer) calls an Unsportsmanlike Conduct penalty on Galippo. Fifteen yards on a questionable foul is a lot to give in a close game, especially when you are calling the penality on a guy who looked so tough in his high school uniform that George Lucas built a time machine, went back to the seventies and invented Darth Vader based on him:
I took solace in the fact that the referee was kind of chubby and he had to spend the night in Palo Alto, so being the more arrogant man, I let it go and watched the rest of the game with my feet in a bath of Veuve Cliquot (rose if you were curious).
Another observation I made during the game was that Andrew Luck is one of the most awkward looking quarterbacks ever. It’s a really close race between him and Jimmy Clausen for “QB with Most Scrunched Head”. Check this photos out:
I mean, it’s ridiculous. You can see their whole face perfectly through the facemask. They look like the deep sea divers from The Abyss and to be clear, it took James Cameron and 100 million dollars to create the effect these pinheads achieve every time they put on their helmet. In fairness to Andrew Luck, he arrogantly threw for a billion yards with an 80% completion percentage and actually gave out a bigger bone-crunching hit than anyone on our defense supplied him with, which even I thought was more arrogant than a penguin dressed in a tuxedo.
Side note, after the game a couple of my friends stole a Hummer Limo and took it to Mission Beach, broke into SeaWorld and dressed all the penguins in tuxedos. It was totally hilarious, especially since we brought along Morgan Freeman and he narrated the whole thing.
All that said and before I get to the real game within the game (the Arrogance Battle), I must say that this season is starting to remind me of my Freshman Year a lot (and not just because I was super popular back then also). My Freshman Year, our team went 6-7, but was losing the games close. Everyone felt the momentum. Everyone knew it was about to take a turn for the epic, that soon, we’d do as our former teams did and go on a run and reclaim our spot at the top of the food chain. That is why I have worked so hard to remind Arrogant Nation of its arrogance. I literally just drink Five Hour Energy five times a day, which equals 25 hour energy in a 24 hour day. Do the math. I am ready to kill a bear even when I am sleeping (on my bearskin rug that I made myself).
The football wins will come, they always do at USC and the world knows it. All we can do is remind everyone that we are super arrogant and that our quarterback doesn’t constantly reach for his coach’s junk:
Case and point. Told you they were into each other and not just “as friends”. ON TO THE ARROGANT BATTLE.
I had great fear we could lose the arrogant battle and fall to 5-1 in arrogance. Jim Harbaugh on a good day can challenge Lane Fucking Kiffin and we all knew it coming into the game. That said, this was our biggest arrogant blow out of all time. Beyond the Stanford crowd looking so painfully dorky I almost was glad they won (I look forward to all of you working for me when I invent Spacebook, which is like Facebook, but built for finding out if space girls are in a relationship or not), Harbaugh did nothing arrogant the entire game. He and his American Dad jawline just looked super constipated the whole game and I know the reason why. Stanford has no idea how to deal with success outside the classroom.
I mean, my first exhibit was Tiger Woods in the Arrogant Game Preview last Thursday. Talk about not knowing how to handle success. Take a walk down 28th Street and the first ten dudes you see already know what they will do when they have a billion dollars, a hot wife and about ten call girls on the side. That said, even Tiger has never embarrassed himself as much as the Stanford crowd did that night. Literally, if you go to Stanford and were at that game, I am sorry because this may come off as cyber-bullying. Just know if you react poorly to this lesson, you can always apply to grad school at USC and the healing can begin…
Stanford was ranked 16th in the nation. Stanford absolutely destroyed USC in Los Angeles last year. Until Stanford shit the bed against Oregon, they were a dark horse national champion contender. In fact, if they hadn’t shit the bed so violently against Oregon, they would probably be ranked #2 today after how hard Alabama shit the bed (by the way, it’s arrogant that I’ve found a way to work “shit the bed” into this paragraph three times already. I mean four. I really shit the bed there. Sorry, five). Stanford was a DOUBLE DIGIT favorite to win the game on Saturday. Long story short, the world expected Stanford to beat us.
So what happens when Stanford squeaks out a home win over unranked USC? THEY RUSH THE FIELD. Seriously. It was the most pathetic, amateur hour display I have seen outside of a pre-school talent show (and at least THOSE kids are cute). There is a saying in sports that goes, “Act Like You’ve Been There Before”. I know Stanford has never been “there” before (“there” meaning a perennial powerhouse in anything other than academics), but if you want to change your lineage, you need to act like you were supposed to win, especially WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WIN. Rushing the field when you DO NOT COVER THE SPREAD is so ridiculous I bought some Stanford clothes, went into the streets of Westwood and let UCLA kids beat me up for fun (which took a really long time, totally reminded me of the part in Fight Club where everyone had trouble getting a stranger to pick a fight with them). The official footwear of the Stanford football team is now officially clown shoes.
I would be so embarrassed if I ever rushed the field, let alone rushed it at the wrong time. You are the dork who tries to get a “slow clap” going at every possible chance. You are the guy who when his high school girlfriend says “I’m ready for our first-time” you start dancing, crying and calling your relatives acting like the Double Rainbow guy. Be honest with me. I know there are some Stanford alums out there that act like rockstars. Did you consider taking down your diploma from your office when you saw that the current students are the kind that rush the field AT HOME when they win a game THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO WIN? It’s not just me. Check out THIS ARTICLE from Stanford’s own student newspaper.
In my ten years as a student and alum, I have never rushed the field nor has anyone else. That’s because when we win, we know we deserved to win. We have the LAPD guard the stands not because rushing the field is illegal, but because anyone who wants to rush the field needs to be hit in the face with a billy club. I didn’t rush the field when we won the National Championship and I had spent four hours drinking tequila and pouring scotch down a band member’s tuba so he could party at the same time as playing the fight song (that is a true story, whoever you are tuba player, that was hardcore). I wouldn’t rush the field if there was a suitcase filled with hundreds and Playmates on the fifty yard line. I wouldn’t rush the field if it was a lake and I was on fire at the time. I’m too arrogant and so is the rest of Arrogant Nation. Dude, America didn’t rush the field when we won World War II.
Whether we win or lose, we know eventually we will win again and do so more often than not. Maybe that’s why they rushed the field up there in Palo Alto. Maybe they know pretty soon they will go back to insignificance. Maybe they know that just like we’ve done half a dozen times, USC will collect itself and return to the top of the heap. And we won’t rush the field once on the way back up. So thank you, Cardinal. I was feeling a little bummed that we’d lost a close game until the entire party started laughing at the Stanford crowd. I knew right there that we lost a close game on the field, but the arrogant battle was a blow out of Biblical proportions.
SO. Next week, Cal. I am so fired up to go 5-2 and 7-0 in arrogance. Naturally, they are the Golden Bears and you know that I am the Southland’s preeminent bear fighting expert. It is going to be amazing on Thursday because I am literally going to be preparing for a bear-hunting safari (during which pants are optional). Thank you to everyone who has been reaching out to me about how they are spreading word of the arrogant nation. I WILL be at the game on Saturday with my bear-hunting caddy (who also kills bears). If you want to see me, follow my tweets on gameday or try to convince me to take your cell phone number via facebook (your messages better be REAL arrogant if you want to shotgun a beer with me). Also, if I show up and you do not have a t-shirt on, I will be pretty pissed, but same time, that will be pretty arrogant of you.
As always, here’s the links to get down with Arrogant Nation and Lost Angeles. Stay arrogant and don’t rush the field. And buy a shirt. Caviar is expensive and my love don’t cost a thing.