Last night, my fiancee found me in the living room doing P180X (I do P90X twice at the same time, FYI) and taking shots of bear blood mixed with sweet vermouth. She asked me what I was doing and my answer was pretty simple, I told her it was almost Bear Hunting Season. Then I karate chopped our coffee table in half and howled at the moon. The only part that sucked was she made me go to Crate and Barrel with her this morning to replace it. Don’t worry, I paid in singles, which was crazy arrogant.
We are staring the latest edition of The Phantom Rivalry in the face again. If you are curious about The Phantom Rivalry, feel free to read my LAist article from last year. The article is a little less arrogant than you are used to from me, but it was a year ago and I wrote it in less than three minutes because I was backstage about to compete on Iron Chef (side note, I totally beat Bobby Flay, but they never aired it because I seared ahi by staring at it and the network big wigs figured people would think it was trick photography and the Chairman agreed it might compromise the integrity of the show. The secret ingredient you ask? Bearmeat).
As the LAist post chronicled, the “rivalry” during Cal’s Jeff Tedford era is based on one win in triple overtime and one loss on a 4th and 9. USC has not lost to Cal since 2003 and Jeff Tedford has only beaten the Trojans once. If that is a rivalry, so is the battle between my urine and the toilet seat. So is the battle between steak and the barbecue. So is the battle between a bacon-wrapped hot dog and the drunk asshole who thought it was a good idea to order it (this guy). Honestly, the base of the flagpole we kick on our way to the Coliseum has given us a better rivalry than the Cal Golden Bearskin Rugs.
So, Jeff Tedford coached Lane Fucking Kiffin at Fresno State and people are trying to make that a factor in the story of this game. First of all, Lane Fucking Kiffin does not publicly admit going to Fresno State, or ever having been north of Santa Barbara including when he coached the Oakland Raiders and our road game at Washington State. If he ever was driving THRU Fresno and his kids needed to urinate, he’d make Layla dangle them out of the car on the freeway so they wouldn’t have to stop. He’d probably laugh a little bit too, which would be pretty arrogant. Second of all, ESPN needs to stop giving us extra reasons to care about a game. All the reason I need to want to further continue embarrassing Cal is the fact that they chose this as their fight song:
Here is a depressing fact for all Cal fans that might be reading this because they are extreme masochists (which would make them a little bit arrogant and cool). Cal would have to win for over 30 years in a row to take the lead in the lifetime series. There is a good chance if we win a few more times that if Cal somehow ever achieved that feat, I’d be far too senile by then to even realize it had happened. Essentially, Cal could win this game and it’d be about as important to the arch of history as the presidential election at your high school (and I was president at my high school, so that shit is arrogant). To put it crudely, a Cal win on Saturday would be about as important as wiping mid-dump. Seriously, wake me up when Cal wins 15 in a row and I’ll start paying attention. Until then, USA is airing all three Back to the Future movies in a row and I plan to get drunk and complain that we still don’t have shoes that tie themselves.
Let’s talk uniforms. What’s the deal with this hideous neon banana costume? Did the Cal Athletic Department raid a dumpster behind Autzen Stadium? Did Chip Kelly at Oregon see these and be like “Fuck you, Nike. Now you are just fucking with us.” Then they drank a forty and twisted up and were like, “Dude, let’s send these to Cal and tell those nerds these are cool.” What’s hilarious is that it worked. I feel like that shit around the neck is a printing mistake. Maybe Adidas made these for Michigan and they were like “Dude, these don’t look finished. The fabric has a misprint around the neck” and Adidas was so embarrassed they sewed some Nike patches on them and shipped them to Cal where they were like, “These are so cool, let’s all wear them to the movies together. I think we can catch the midnight showing of Life As We Know It.” Worst part is Tedford definitely took them because he loves Katherine Heigl. You know I love? Drinking beer from a hollowed out bear’s head and waiting for USC to jump Cal in the academic rankings at my vacation home in Miami. I mean, we caught UCLA and private schools don’t need to worry about annoying things like “state funding” and “nerds”.
This year, let’s drop the whole Cal are Communists thing. Here’s why. Don’t give Cal so much credit. I don’t support Communism for our country, but I do support it for creating villains for movies. For instance, Drago from Rocky IV. That guy wouldn’t have gone to Cal. He’d have taken roids and killed every nerd on Strawberry Hill (which is the least arrogant name for anything ever) Seriously, if I knew there was a Strawberry Hill near my campus, if the city wouldn’t let me change the name or destroy it, I’d let 20 alligators loose in their city council meeting. If that didn’t work, I’d blow up our stadium because there is no way anyone sitting on something called Strawberry Hill is allowed to watch my football team play.
Wait. I was talking about Communist villains…. Remember the dudes in Red Dawn? That shit was arrogant. They just come down with parachutes and kill the science teacher? Man that was crazy. How about the bad guys in Top Gun? They were so badass you even rooted for a bunch of dudes who were playing oil-lubed beach volleyball three minutes before hand. Dude, how about Miracle (and the true story it was based on)? How on earth can we give Cal credit for being such a bad ass opponent. If anything, let’s put up pictures of teddy bears and cotton candy. Communists? Save that imagery for someone more intense like the New England Patriots. That’s kind of arrogant to compare Patriots to Communists.
Anyway, the point is that we have spent a lifetime battling communists. Battling Cal is nothing like battling Drago. Battling Cal is like playing horseshoes with a toothless former oil prospector and then watching him struggle to eat corn on the cob.
If a win means nothing for Cal in the scope of our history with them, then why’s it matter to us? Well, it doesn’t but IT’S HILARIOUS TO WATCH CAL LOSE. It’s also the closest thing to beating UCLA. Like, it’s a a Bruin Beating Simulator. Both of them talk a really nerdy variety of smack before vanishing for the other 51 weekends of the year (even those random years when they win). They both taste like chicken. When they kick a field goal they both play the same dumb fight song (which if you play backwards sounds exactly like Color Me Badd’s “All For Love”). Seriously. I will give Cal one thing. They don’t wear powder blue. I am also pretty sure they don’t do the 8 Clap either, but I never really look at their student section during games because I am allergic to annoying people.
UPDATE (Sorry I forgot to post predictions. That was arrogant, but so is picking the score of an irrelevant game)
Cal: 35 (USC has an excuse not to tackle this week because what is the point of Cal in general)
TWO PT. CONVERSIONS:
0 (Arrogantly, Kiffin won’t even waste time doing this to Cal, who doesn’t matter at all).
Tonight, to prepare my final pump up session for the game, I am going into the nearest forest and I am going to hunt a California black bear. It’s going to be identical to the end of Predator where our Governor rubs mud all over himself and gets so arrogant all over a mythical alien hunter. I plan to wear the dead bear’s head as a festive hat on game day, which will be my first home game of the season as I have been tied up with several large scale mergers and also I don’t attend events with people who admit to being from Washington. I have seen a few of my shirts around town. I plan to see many more at this game because we’ve sold so many I plan to start outsourcing. If you haven’t bought one, you are not arrogant. You can get them below, along with following me on Twitter and Facebook (which I gave Zuckerberg the idea for, but I didn’t sue because I didn’t need the money).