I could barely sleep the night before the game. That wasn’t because I was nervous or excited, it’s just really hard to sleep when you are partying at the most arrogant nightclub in the future and you have to catch the first time machine back in the morning. Arrogantly, I didn’t check the scores when I was on the time machine or I wouldn’t have bothered to come back for this game. In fairness, Cal scores are hard to find in the future because due to budget cuts, they don’t exist and frankly, if you were in the future, would you really go to a library to look up Cal or would you just be out trying space whiskey? By the way, space whiskey is amazing and totally the reason you should all try to live until 2075 if possible. Side note, there is an excellent museum where Cal used to be. It’s not a museum about Cal or anything, but it’s a great museum none the less (Museum of Natural Gas, totally hilarious especially if you are drinking and realize Stanford paid to build it on Cal’s ruins).
Anyway, I got home, showered to shake off the time lag (same as jet lag, but more arrogant) and threw on my Sanctions t-shirt. I started drinking beer and starting the revolution. I started listening to early 90s hair metal and headbutting every mirror I had in the house screaming “first team defense” as a tribute to my favorite fictional football player of all time, Lattimer.
Side note, I am watching this and reviewing it as it is the most arrogant football movie ever, especially when they all get hammered and lie down on the median on the interstate with cars flying by and then Disney gets sued when some Cal student (I mean, they probably wanted to go to Cal) did it in real life and got run over.
And now, to the recap…
Recently Cal announced they would be discontinuing it’s baseball team as a part of a larger cost-cutting program to address their issue of being super-poor. After watching Cal in the Coliseum last Saturday, I am pretty sure they should cut the football team instead. There could be nothing more useless than that football team. I can’t believe they spent the money to fly those guys to Los Angeles, to stay in a hotel, to eat meals and take a bus ride. It would have been much cheaper to drop them into a pit of coked up alligators and just scream “dinnertime”. It’d have been basically the same thing.
Honestly, that was the least competitive football game I have seen since I knew USC existed. There have been some blow outs that were more brutal in score, but I don’t remember ever seeing us throw for five touchdowns IN ONE HALF. There were strange pops heard around the stadium midway through the second quarter. I just wasn’t sure if it was us popping open bottles of champagne or Cal kids in goofy Harry Potter scarves shooting themselves in the face. The equivalent of spending the money to travel to LA just to see that “game” was literally the equivalent of going to Vegas, renting the basketball suite at the Palms, putting your life savings on one number on the roulette table and losing it outright after one spin.
Hey, remember when Cal couldn’t afford their baseball team? That was hilarious. But I digress…
Matt Barkley was straight up in some possessed bear killing amphetamine rage for two straight quarters. His lack of compassion for the helpless Cal defense was so arrogant I didn’t know what to do. After the first 4 first half touchdown passes, Lane Fucking Kiffin came up to him and was like “Dude, you made your point. This is like picking on the fat kid in dodgeball” and Barkley was like, “Fuck you, coach. I’m throwing another one right now and afterwards I am going to start beating the shit out of every nerd in a Harry Potter sweater” and then Kiff was like, “Good work. That was a test and you passed with flying arrogance. Throw it to Robert Woods and then let’s go get hammered and sing the Cal fight song at a frat party and put it on YouTube”.
I mean, I know it’s super fashionable to hate on Arrogant Nation right now, but Matt Barkley should be winning the Heisman race this year. Auburn’s quarterback asks him for his autograph all the time. Touchdown Jesus at Notre Dame is signaling a 40 yard pass to Robert Woods in the corner of the endzone.
Let’s talk Robert Woods for a moment. He’s super arrogant and bears tell their kids about him as a scary story on camping trips. Okay, we talked about him for a moment.
I caught a few minutes of ESPN GameDay in the morning where they were at Camp Randall in Wisco anxiously awaiting a game between two Big Ten teams that suck like all teams in the Big Ten. Seriously, if you root for a Big Ten team, just X out of this browser. You will bring my blogging down and right now I have arrogance to spare. I need to keep it that way. The only thing that can kill it is watching two slow teams run the ball into the d-line for like four hours. I’d rather get my prostate checked because at least there’d be a medical incentive. Watching Big Ten football is like sipping acid slowly waiting for it to burn a hole in your stomach.
During that broadcast, they did a whole “Fall of Troy” poem by Tom Rinaldi (who was the inspiration for the Notre Dame logo) wrote a poem about how bad USC has become. Then Chris Fowler (who is starting to look old, sorry bro) basically said Cal was going to come in and punk us. Instead of getting into a whole arrogant response, I’ll just be twice as arrogant and finish this piece of melba toast with caviar on it and try to remember the last time ESPN got anything right. Hey Mothership, hook me up with another 35 trailers for Secretariat. Sell outs. If you want to sell out the arrogant way, give me a radio show on 710 ESPN and give me sound effects of bears being fought to death as my intro music.
Sorry, I am having a hard time saying anything about Cal. Even in a recap about their game, they are too irrelevant to mention. Frankly, by halftime all I could think about was how crazy it is there is a Chick-Fil-A so close to the Peristyle. That’s wildly arrogant. It was also really hard trying to see their QB Riley while he was half buried under a pile of unblocked Trojans.
I think this picture says it all:
What’s even crazier about this image is that it is a re-enactment of something I had just done in Parking Structure X to an actual bear. DPS showed up and I was pretty sure I was getting rolled (especially since I was using the dead bear’s body as a beer pong table which apparently is illegal on campus now), but DPS just asked if they could take a picture. I told them no, but did offer then the right to make a tuxedo out of bear fur. They declined because just like when I was in college, DPS pretty much doesn’t do anything no matter what is going on.
We have been selling a ridiculous amount of shirts. We have a week off, but I will continue to give you arrogant content to fire you up for the battle with Oregon on my wedding day where I will be soliciting scores via Twitter, Facebook and airplanes writing in the sky over the ceremony. Click the links below to join the movement and cheers to all you arrogant attractive people that keep the lights on here at Lost Angeles.