I know you are all freaking out because there is no Arrogant Game Preview today and arrogantly, I know how important I am to you all (thanks for all the nude photos I receive on a continual basis, you are all very kind and pretty arrogant for letting it all hang out). As the recognizer of Arrogant Nation (I don’t say creator because we’ve all been super arrogant for a long time. Our ancestors used to talk shit to T-Rexes about having tiny little bitch arms. Also, my great uncle invented “stairs”. You’re welcome), I think it’s important to check in and give you an update on what’s going on (and besides, the in-flight entertainment system in my Global Express 5000 is broken and I hate reading, I prefer only to write).
So the first order of business that I’ve been asked to help promote is the upcoming Red Out for our home game against the Oregon Ducks (who are literally one week away from getting an Arrogant Game Preview so arrogant that you will consider melting your computer and forging it into a robot suit and taking to the streets like some coked up Batman). First off, it’s super arrogant we are calling it a red out when we don’t even wear the color red. What’s even more arrogant is that I am renaming the Red Out. Now, I am calling it El Dia de la Roja, because it sounds more arrogant and will freak out people from Oregon who really don’t know Spanish outside of ordering tacos in the forest. You know, forest tacos.
What’s more arrogant is that I will be getting married during the game on El Dia de la Roja, which after we dismantle the Ducks will be a new local holiday. I have a secret crew of groomsmen prepared to give me status updates via a series of nondescript hand signals, plus an elaborate system of TiVos and DVRs to allow me to continue my arrogant promise to you: To not skip an Arrogant Preview or Recap. I will not do it. The Arrogant Nation has grown so large (that’s what she said) that it is only a matter of time before I become mayor. My campaign slogan? “You Can’t Sanction The Endzone”. It’s political relevance? Fuck you.
Let’s move on to the Curious Case of Kabir Sawheny. For those of you, who like me, don’t read, Kabir Sawheny is the amazing writer for the Stanford Daily who wrote an article so incredibly douchey that he will probably never get a real writing job and possibly never experience human contact. In this article (where he stupidly gives his email address), he claims that USC is now Stanford’s rival because, basically, he hates us. Literally over a hundred members of Arrogant Nation emailed me this article. I guess I have to get off my bearskin rug and comment.
Real quick, you aren’t our rival Stanford.
Honestly, if winning a few games against us makes us you a rival, Oregon State and Kansas State would be our rivals, but they are not. They are schools I cannot locate on a map (assuming I didn’t have a trained bear that gives me turn by turn directions so long as I pay his gambling debts, which are sizable). Just to clarify, a school that rushes the field at home when they are favored will never be our rival. You are just nerds we hire to do things for us (most recently to set up my media server in my mountain chateau in Aspen).
I am going to take one paragraph from Kabir’s article and give my annotations like it was hate mail. I’d do the whole article, but I think I can justify why this kid should drink a bottle of Drain-O in just one paragraph (also, I am late for a photo shoot for a Dutch triathlon magazine. There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Arrogant Nation). Also, this post will be the most press young Kabir ever gets as evidenced by the wild success of his Twitter feed:
Here’s a paragraph I picked randomly by seeing which paragraph I urinated on first when I put this in the nearest urinal after printing it out and using it as a urinal cake. I will rewrite his paragraph as Arrogant Nation’s official response in Red (in honor of El Dia de la Roja).
More broadly, USC personifies everything that Stanford is not–hell, it’s even in the name (Southern California). USC represents glamour and Hollywood; Stanford has Bay Area cool. USC exists to party; Stanford takes its academics seriously. USC is located in bustling Los Angeles; Stanford exists in tranquil Palo Alto. Alumni from the Farm go on to start innovative companies and take leadership roles in society, while one of USC’s more famous alums founded Girls Gone Wild (which, coincidentally, features its fair share of USC coeds) and ended up in prison. Last but not least, even the mascots betray big differences: Stanford’s is a color, while USC gets a condom brand.
More broadly, USC works hard to be everything Stanford is not- hell, most people enjoy having sex with our students. USC represents being arrogant and awesome basically all the time. Stanford is sort of near a foggy city filled with hipster coffee shops that play smooth jazz. USC parties like a bunch of hopped-up wolverines in Ibiza, Stanford brags about academics in student newspaper articles that are supposed to be about a football rivalry. USC is in a city with awesome shit like buildings, whiskey bars and secret underground bearfighting-slash-caviar clubs. Stanford is in Palo Alto, which by interesting standards, is somewhere between a ball of yarn and a wet fart. Alumni from The Farm go on to make computers and start companies. Alumni from USC use computers to buy companies and also dabble in shit like walking on the moon and creating Star Wars. Stanford’s mascot used to be an Indian, and now is a mentally-challenged tree (which has nothing to do with it’s super intimidating team name “Cardinal”). USC is named after an army that lost (arrogant) and later found Rome (super arrogant) and was amazing, a condom company named their product after us because nothing arouses people more than USC students.
Let’s get real for a moment about the condom thing once-and-for-all. Has anyone ever been in a bad mood when they had a Trojan out/around/on? Why is the condom thing even seen seen as a diss? I mean, I always took that as a compliment. In fairness, the sophomoric, Puritanic nerds who cite “Trojans” as being “funny” are the same people that would shit the bed if a girl like this ever spoke to them:
In fact, Kabir, probably the biggest difference between Stanford and USC is they have you fighting their battles and USC has me.
That said, there is always grad school at Annenberg where you could improve your wealth of life experiences to make you are real star in the writing world. I never wanted to be a journalist (I wanted to leave the door open for things like “drinking” and “meeting girls”), but at the USC School of Cinematic Arts (google that shit, Palo Alto), I got a writing degree that emphasized life experiences. I had a teacher once advocate drinking for inspiration (good advice). That’s why I fight bears, drink whiskey and basically live in the endzone of life. So do my readers. What’s more arrogant? I didn’t become a writer. I just blog and grow my media network. I don;t evin haf too spellx thinghs good. That was so arrogant I bolded it. Here’s a picture of the world’s most expensive pizza, which was based off of a dream I blogged about:
Real quick, here’s something arrogant. A couple of former USC basketball players invented a shoe so arrogant that the NBA banned it for helping athletes jump higher. Here’s my opinion on that. Have our basketball team wear them this season, fresh off of sanctions, and let’s get sanctioned again. Let’s just keep wearing illegal shoes so powerful that even Kabir Sawrhey could dunk while wearing them. Let’s just get way sanctioned all the time until the NCAA calls the Pac-10 and is like, “Dude, you gotta kick out USC, they are getting really arrogant” and the Pac-10 is like, “Fuck you, nobody cares about any other teams, you try selling ad time for a U-Dub vs Stanford game” and the NCAA is just like “God, I hate Pete Carroll” and then they look out the window and Lane Fucking Kiffin is just pissing in the NCAA’s gas tank and flicking them off with sunlight sparkling from his pristine arrogant white visor. That’s the world I want to live in.
Finally, I have spoken with the USC Women’s Soccer team and having dated many attractive women’s soccer players in my younger years, I decided I would point you all towards a big game they have coming up tomorrow (Friday) against UCLA. First of all, any time you can go tell Bruins that they are the most pointless creatures on the planet, it’s a good event.
But this event is super, super arrogant. They are calling it “Break the Record” night and are aiming for the largest crowd ever to watch a women’s NCAA soccer match. The first 2,500 people get a really arrogant USC scarf (which is good because it’s really cold hiding in the arctic waiting for a polar bear to come out of his cave to beat up). Even better, 9,000 people will break the record (arrogantly, we’re going for 15K). I love breaking records, I love being arrogant, I love scarves and I love showing up UCLA. That’s why I decided to bring this up to Arrogant Nation, especially you students who I must advocate get drunk, go to the Coliseum at 7pm and just start harassing Bruins like you were born to do.
Check out how arrogant our coach Ali Khosroshahin is (who has a crazy arrogant long last name). Here’s his quote in which he totally drops a deuce in Joe Bruins coffee cup:
“Come watch the two top teams in So. Cal in the Coliseum. As the only so. Cal soccer program with a national championship(USC) take on the most successful D1program in so. Cal without a national championship (UCLA) go head to head.”
UCLA is famous for winning women’s sports, so that was a pretty low blow and I really support that and look forward to dressing Kabir up as a bear and having him run around the pitch with our soccer team kicking balls at him (I’ll be in the stands day-trading and drinking a caviar smoothie).
Students get in free. For my readers that aren’t as young, here’s a LINK TO BUY TICKETS and enter the promocode SOCCER to get a slick discount because you know me. For now, I’m off to outer space to shop for groceries. I’m making space stew and you are about to buy a t-shirt and support Arrogant Nation.
Also, when I return from my wedding, I think I deserve a party at the 9-0 to celebrate the win over Oregon, our arrogant and pretty much how much you all want to party with me in space on a raft made out of expensive Brazilian furniture. Who’s planning this?