ESPN has been absolutely embarrassing this season. A network that had no trouble riding on Uncle Pete’s coattails and cashing in on our success, has had equally little trouble pretending we don’t exist. In the rare instances we are covered by the Mothership, we are disparaged and treated like Bruins, which for me is the equivalent of dressing up in garbage bags and trying to steal my own yacht just to know what it feels like for the rest of the world (who don’t have yachts). Frankly, this is unacceptable to me.
I am so angry I canceled my press conference in Wales where I was going to take credit for inventing velcro to the Welsh (it’s crazy, they’ve got pretty much everything else the British Isles have, but somehow no one got around to importing velcro). I canceled it because I need to write to Arrogant Nation to demand that in my absence (for those of you living under a rock I’m getting married that day) that you all arrive at the Coli at 6 am in Cardinal gear with signs that let ESPN know what we think of them. It is arrogant for me to demand you do something that I won’t be doing myself. Let me explain.
First of all, none of you write this blog, but I let you read it anyway. You’re welcome. Now here’s a picture of me wearing serial killer glasses and posing with a piso mojado sign moments before I turned off the electricity at a Baja Fresh on Miracle Mile just to be a little arrogant. In fairness, it was Tuesday and I was bored.
Second, I am dressing as Lane Fucking Kiffin for Halloween and I will be on 4th Street by the University of Arizona and there’s a great chance I will have to scrap (don’t worry, I’ll be wearing severed bear paws as gloves). That is my penance I pay to you, Arrogant Nation. All I ask of you is to support the Red Out movement and to refer to it as El Dia de la Roja. You will be more exotic that way and at least 2x as likely to sleep with someone from Oregon when they are drunk on campus, post-loss, feeling vulnerable and wanting to ensure they get at least something out of their wasted trip down south.
Arrogantly, we have moved back into the AP 25 despite not playing a game. As arrogant as that is, rest assured the greasy fingers of the GameDay crew are involved as what good is GameDay without two ranked teams? Chris Fowler went so far as to say he didn’t expect much pride from us. He doesn’t expect us to show up. The thing is, rumors of our death are greatly exaggerated. This is our weekend to let the world know. There is nothing more arrogant than giving the media the bird. Let all the recruits watching know that you can’t sanction the endzone. In fact, ESPN showing up on OUR campus is evidence enough that you can’t sanction our stranglehold on the college football universe. For the haters out there, when you are finished detailing my expensive foreign automobile, read this next statement: ESPN has often avoided showing our highlights on television, but two weeks later, they are setting up on campus and basically giving us free press.
I want to wake up on my wedding day in a freshly sewn bearskin robe, flip on the television, and see you, my brothers and sisters in Arrogant Nation blowing the national television audience away. This is our chance to show them we do not care. As long as we’re allowed on the field, we’re going to be arrogant. We need to show the NCAA that they are powerless. No one in Oregon will think we’re sanctioned when we eat their mascot with a blackberry balsamic reduction and we save them the embarrassment of losing again on the national stage in a BCS game (who loses to Ohio State?)
I am not asking you to go out there blind though. I am writing you the signs you should make. You and your arrogant brothers should make these signs and fly them proudly right at Desmond Howard as he apologizes for Big Ten football. In fact, let them all see because Corso, Kirk and Howard all were Big Ten guys, and unless they are playing Oregon, the Big Ten is a garbage salad sandwich. Anyway, here are some suggested signs…
YOU CAN’T SANCTION THE ENDZONE
LANE FUCKING KIFFIN, BRO (this will be awesome because they will make you move it, but flipcam the experience, I’ll post it)
BOWLS ARE FOR SALAD
PLEASE PICK OREGON, CORSO (that’s pretty arrogant, but then also cheer when he does put on the retarded Donald Duck hat)
CONGRATULATIONS ZACK AND EMILY (that move would be gangster because everyone at my wedding will be reminded of my empire)
and of course…
DUCK MY SICK (vastly more arrogant than nucking futs and things like that)
THE ENTIRE GAMEDAY CREW WENT TO PUBLIC SCHOOL (this is true, and not arrogant at all)
LOST ANGELES BLOG DOT COM (promoting me is as arrogant as me telling you to do it)
It’s our time. I have felt like attendance hasn’t been as strong as it should be, although the partying is just as good as it’s ever been. Students, don’t let me down. Senior Account Executives who used to be at the 9-0 and now are watching TiVo’d episodes of Brothers and Sisters, put on some shoes you don’t mind if they get messed up, throw on your super hot LFK V-Neck t-shirt and go day drink like you used to. Old guy who now owns a big company. Buy your entire staff shirts and make them go to the game in cardinal gear. When I wake up in Arizona, I want to know Arrogant Nation has my back.
If you do so, we’ll win the arrogant battle and remain undefeated.