Arrogant Game Preview: Oregon

I write to you from my desert yacht (it’s just like an ocean yacht, except it is wedged into the Catalina Foothill mountains like a very arrogant Christmas tree ornament, only with more coeds and contraband Cuban cigars).  I paid good money to bring a Hopi time traveller to my party (he was there for the crabcakes, but I figured I’d ask him some hardball questions while he was there) to attend and talk to us about the universe, reasonable places to buy legit holistic medicine and also how badly USC beats the Ducks on Saturday.  He wouldn’t tell me much, but we fed him duck and he vomited all over the Lido Deck, so I assume that meant the Ducks shit the bed on national television (or that tequila, Advil PM and duck don’t pair well together).

I took a large step back (which was mostly because I wanted to get into the hot tub, which was behind me) and realized that I didn’t need a drunk Hopi soothsayer to predict the win.  I just needed to focus on the arrogant battle ahead and realize this was a no contest.

First of all, the Ducks dress like slow kids on that day when their parents tell them they can wear whatever they want to school and then their first impulse is to put on a bunny costume and color on themselves with highlighter for a few minutes before their parents have to hose them off in the backyard.  What’s worse is that Oregon students actually think they look cool.  They dress in the color of Zach Morris’ undershirts he rocked under his blazers in 1991.  They look like Nike is pulling a prank on them.  They look like their older brother is playing a trick on them.

In short, USC has had 2 uniforms ever.  Oregon wears two uniforms per quarter.  Clown shoes.

Let’s get into Chip Kelly, who is both chubby and a total douche.  If you don’t believe me, check out this picture of him.  He looks like E from Entourage if he was gaining weight to play Chris Farley in a Lifetime made for TV movie.  Seriously.  Check it out.  Also, you’re welcome:

If that one wasn’t working for you, how about he looks like the guy that works in IT at your office who you always feel bad for until you finally say something to him in the elevator one day and he says something totally creepy like “Man, you ever see the receptionist’s ass?  Too much!” and then you nod politely and then later puke in your mouth a little when you realize the receptionist he mentioned is a 45 year old fat guy.

But none of that is the worst part.  The worst part is that Chip Kelly’s “Win the Day” motto is the douchiest thing I have heard outside of a lunch spot where talent agents eat lunch and compare fantasy football stories.  Win the Day?  Sounds like a emo-punk band that didn’t make it.  Sounds like something the French army screams before they get torn up on the battle field.  Sounds like the kind of thing the former coach of New Hampshire says to his team that has never won a national championship to pump them up.

That’s kind of the thing.  USC is an underdog here, which is kind of a fun role-playing game (not unlike when you make your cheerleader girlfriend dress up like a nurse for your birthday, mad arrogant).    If we spoil the Ducks season (I mean, this is the worst season of college football in years so we’re probably doing them and us a favor), it’s going to be hilarious.  It’ll be a long time until the next year Oklahoma, Texas, Florida and so on are all rebuilding.

Then again, if Oregon wins, they will probably blow it later and I will probably not know until later because I often like to kick it with Sasha Vujacic and his fiancee after Laker games so I’ll be pretty distracted soon.  That said, if Oregon wins the title, all of us will feel pretty good, like when your little brother finally beats you in one-on-one (arrogantly, I wouldn’t know.  I used my brother as collateral in a high stakes poker game when the oil baron I was playing put his Ferrari California’s pink slip on the table.  I lost.  It’s cool, I don’t have a younger brother, but I am sure the actor I hired to play him is totally pissed right now).

Anyway, Win the Day is what the copywriter who came up with Win Forever had come up with first.  He came into Pete’s office and pitched it and Lane Fucking Kiffin just rolled in and said, “Dude, that’s something that fat ass coach at New Hampshire would say if he coached Oregon”.  You think I’m making up the whole Chip Kelly ripping off USC thing?  Let me ask you this…  Where do you think he got his wardrobe ideas?

Get off our nuts, Chip Kelly.  Kiffin isn’t even wearing a visor, the top of his hat just explodes every time he puts it on because of high pressure arrogance escaping skyward.  I thought you knew, bro.

The truth is, Chip (whose name sounds like a cruel nickname that stuck) calls Kiff before every game and is like, “Hey, Kiff.  It’s Chip” and Kiff’s like, “Dude, I’m busy, go eat something” and Chip’s like “you’re hilarious Kiff, want to come over, I rented Sleepless in Seattle” and Kiff’s like, “Dude, I stopped paying attention to Tom Hanks after Bachelor Party” and Chip’s all, “Kiff, I’m lonely” and then Kiff says, “Rent an escort” before hanging up and ordering ten large pizzas to Chip’s house.

So, we got LaMichael James training for the game by beating up all the Oregon cheerleaders and Chip crying himself to sleep everything in a bathtub filled with clam chowder (he murmurs “win the day” in his sleep in between unconscious bites of soup).  I am excited to see if Oregon chokes like Chip Kelly when he tries to eat baby back ribs by the rack.  I am fired up.

You all know my El Dia de la Roja requests.  I will be up at the crack of dawn monitoring the situation before I walk down the aisle and bring a new Trojan into the family.  I have trained you well, Arrogant Nation.  You can bring this victory home for us.


USC 38
MOTHERDUCKERS 35 (Chip Kelly doesn’t call a critical time out because he is trying to flag down a kettle corn vendor and the clock runs out.  He’s not even a little pissed because he gets the kettle corn.)

TWO PT CONVERSIONS ATTEMPTED – 0 (Lane Fucking Kiffin refuses to do anything arrogant because Chip will just copy it and be super annoying)


(so I know I am bringing the lumber)




Filed under Rants and Musings

28 responses to “Arrogant Game Preview: Oregon

  1. John

    After you get back from your honeymoon (aptly named, since I’m sure you’ll be stopping by the moon), you should edit together your wedding video interspersed with clips of USC beating Oregon’s ass. It’ll be like the ending of The Godfather, only more arrogant.

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  3. Duck Blind

    Or you could have just saved all your time and energy that went into this preview, and simply said… “Your mascot is a duck.”

    I think that pretty much sums up everything.

  4. Carlos

    “Fight From Above” sounds like an emo-punk band that didn’t make it.

  5. UCanbLowmyAss

    Oregon’s uniforms look like a box of highlighters had an orgy and then puked on themselves.

  6. I just realized that the wings on the Ducks’ shoulders look like Pechanga Resort & Casino’s logo…

  7. Jake

    Your comedic play on arrogance is good, but too true. Opinion from the rest of the world on Bro-town:

  8. Katie

    Does anyone remember the year Oregon bought that enormous billboard ad on the side of a building along the 110 in Downtown LA? And then proceeded to have a losing season (both basketball and football)? I might be remembering that incorrectly, but I’m really too arrogant to care.

    • I seem to remember something like that. A quick google search only turned up one minor mention of it because, you’re right, nobody cares.

      I bet that the average number of arrests per Oregon player is higher than the team’s GPA. Who’s got money on the under?

    • Bee

      Oh yeah, that was 2002. Remember that season that Carson Palmer won a Heisman and then we pummeled Iowa in the Orange Bowl and the ducks got their asses handed to them by Wake Forest? Well, you probably don’t remember the last part, but who cares?

  9. Haaaa

    I’m a Duck fan and have read your other posts, and frankly I am dissapointed in this arrogant game preview. I can read between the lines and tell that you know the Trojans will be taken to the woodshed on Saturday and Pat Haden will have no choice but to disband the football program out of shame.

    You only made fun of our uniforms and Chip? Could you at least have called us hippies or something!? This lack of effort/arrogance dissapoints me.

  10. Let’s Red it out and be really arrogant doing it.

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  12. CrazyJ

    im an oregon state fan and im not arrogant but i do believe the trojans beat the effing hated ucks and then i believe that you cheaters come up here and get your cheating asses hand it to you AGAIN by the beavs…

    wait that sounded a little bit arrogant.

    Like the posts here. Keep it up.

  13. LilDAWG

    Umm, I think the Trojans lost. So, dude, you are the arrogant one. . . 😉

    By the way, you are right about the Duck’s uniforms. They look like Nike is playing a mean trick on them. . . except for those awesome gray ones!

  14. Jake

    Bowls are also for alphabet soup. I would suggest having one in the hopes that it somehow perfectly forms every word of yours… that way you can eat them! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  15. Ryan

    Hmmmmmm, your Trojan arrogance really once again can only be found through the likes of such articles as these, Lane “the Joker” Kiffin’s big fat mouth, along with his obesely slow clown Casey, and Barkley Princess’s tweets. hahahaha maybe a little too much time is spent tweeting and blogging and not enough on the field.

    53-32! BOOK IT!

  16. It’s a great blog..i m impressed by your writing style..keep the good working. Thanks

  17. finals hobbies

    Not sure if you noticed, but your prediction came true a year later. Quite arrogant

  18. James

    Yeah, bowls are for salad right? I seem to believe the ducks shit on you and the rest of all you entitled Trojan asses. Go ducks dude, great performance in El Paso by the way. Also, that was a great heisman by Barkley and a you guys are national champions. Oh wait… Yeah, you guys had everyone fooled with that pre season hype. Maybe USC can buy me a car not to play well. You guys got soft balls. Win the day

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