I write to you from my desert yacht (it’s just like an ocean yacht, except it is wedged into the Catalina Foothill mountains like a very arrogant Christmas tree ornament, only with more coeds and contraband Cuban cigars). I paid good money to bring a Hopi time traveller to my party (he was there for the crabcakes, but I figured I’d ask him some hardball questions while he was there) to attend and talk to us about the universe, reasonable places to buy legit holistic medicine and also how badly USC beats the Ducks on Saturday. He wouldn’t tell me much, but we fed him duck and he vomited all over the Lido Deck, so I assume that meant the Ducks shit the bed on national television (or that tequila, Advil PM and duck don’t pair well together).
I took a large step back (which was mostly because I wanted to get into the hot tub, which was behind me) and realized that I didn’t need a drunk Hopi soothsayer to predict the win. I just needed to focus on the arrogant battle ahead and realize this was a no contest.
First of all, the Ducks dress like slow kids on that day when their parents tell them they can wear whatever they want to school and then their first impulse is to put on a bunny costume and color on themselves with highlighter for a few minutes before their parents have to hose them off in the backyard. What’s worse is that Oregon students actually think they look cool. They dress in the color of Zach Morris’ undershirts he rocked under his blazers in 1991. They look like Nike is pulling a prank on them. They look like their older brother is playing a trick on them.
In short, USC has had 2 uniforms ever. Oregon wears two uniforms per quarter. Clown shoes.
Let’s get into Chip Kelly, who is both chubby and a total douche. If you don’t believe me, check out this picture of him. He looks like E from Entourage if he was gaining weight to play Chris Farley in a Lifetime made for TV movie. Seriously. Check it out. Also, you’re welcome:
If that one wasn’t working for you, how about he looks like the guy that works in IT at your office who you always feel bad for until you finally say something to him in the elevator one day and he says something totally creepy like “Man, you ever see the receptionist’s ass? Too much!” and then you nod politely and then later puke in your mouth a little when you realize the receptionist he mentioned is a 45 year old fat guy.
But none of that is the worst part. The worst part is that Chip Kelly’s “Win the Day” motto is the douchiest thing I have heard outside of a lunch spot where talent agents eat lunch and compare fantasy football stories. Win the Day? Sounds like a emo-punk band that didn’t make it. Sounds like something the French army screams before they get torn up on the battle field. Sounds like the kind of thing the former coach of New Hampshire says to his team that has never won a national championship to pump them up.
That’s kind of the thing. USC is an underdog here, which is kind of a fun role-playing game (not unlike when you make your cheerleader girlfriend dress up like a nurse for your birthday, mad arrogant). If we spoil the Ducks season (I mean, this is the worst season of college football in years so we’re probably doing them and us a favor), it’s going to be hilarious. It’ll be a long time until the next year Oklahoma, Texas, Florida and so on are all rebuilding.
Then again, if Oregon wins, they will probably blow it later and I will probably not know until later because I often like to kick it with Sasha Vujacic and his fiancee after Laker games so I’ll be pretty distracted soon. That said, if Oregon wins the title, all of us will feel pretty good, like when your little brother finally beats you in one-on-one (arrogantly, I wouldn’t know. I used my brother as collateral in a high stakes poker game when the oil baron I was playing put his Ferrari California’s pink slip on the table. I lost. It’s cool, I don’t have a younger brother, but I am sure the actor I hired to play him is totally pissed right now).
Anyway, Win the Day is what the copywriter who came up with Win Forever had come up with first. He came into Pete’s office and pitched it and Lane Fucking Kiffin just rolled in and said, “Dude, that’s something that fat ass coach at New Hampshire would say if he coached Oregon”. You think I’m making up the whole Chip Kelly ripping off USC thing? Let me ask you this… Where do you think he got his wardrobe ideas?
Get off our nuts, Chip Kelly. Kiffin isn’t even wearing a visor, the top of his hat just explodes every time he puts it on because of high pressure arrogance escaping skyward. I thought you knew, bro.
The truth is, Chip (whose name sounds like a cruel nickname that stuck) calls Kiff before every game and is like, “Hey, Kiff. It’s Chip” and Kiff’s like, “Dude, I’m busy, go eat something” and Chip’s like “you’re hilarious Kiff, want to come over, I rented Sleepless in Seattle” and Kiff’s like, “Dude, I stopped paying attention to Tom Hanks after Bachelor Party” and Chip’s all, “Kiff, I’m lonely” and then Kiff says, “Rent an escort” before hanging up and ordering ten large pizzas to Chip’s house.
So, we got LaMichael James training for the game by beating up all the Oregon cheerleaders and Chip crying himself to sleep everything in a bathtub filled with clam chowder (he murmurs “win the day” in his sleep in between unconscious bites of soup). I am excited to see if Oregon chokes like Chip Kelly when he tries to eat baby back ribs by the rack. I am fired up.
You all know my El Dia de la Roja requests. I will be up at the crack of dawn monitoring the situation before I walk down the aisle and bring a new Trojan into the family. I have trained you well, Arrogant Nation. You can bring this victory home for us.
MOTHERDUCKERS 35 (Chip Kelly doesn’t call a critical time out because he is trying to flag down a kettle corn vendor and the clock runs out. He’s not even a little pissed because he gets the kettle corn.)
TWO PT CONVERSIONS ATTEMPTED – 0 (Lane Fucking Kiffin refuses to do anything arrogant because Chip will just copy it and be super annoying)