As most of you know, my wedding was arrogantly going on at the same time as the USC v Oregon game. While the final score showed a loss for the Trojans, I must admit I only got to watch about two and a half minutes of the game. During those two and a half minutes, USC outscored the Ducks 7-0. For me, that was more than enough to decide arrogantly that we had won and I could move on to things like drinking scotch and dancing with my new blonde wife.
Worry not, we kept it extra arrogant. Both my best man and my brother-in-law gave the entire wedding score updates and we had the game going on televisions at the extra bars (yes, my wedding had about five bars and I had secret, ancient scotch fermented in the stomach of a bear hidden at each of them).
I have a really arrogant confession to make. When I heard we were losing by only four in the 3rd quarter, I thought it would be awesome to have Lane Fucking Kiffin speak via satellite feed to the guests at my reception. Naturally, I paged him (yes, he uses a pager he kept from back in the day when we used to hang out at hospitals and pretend to be surgeons to meet chicks) and he immediately called me back. That might be because I put both “911” and “143” at the end of my page. For a large part of the fourth quarter, Kiff was giving a speech live to my wedding and arrogantly paying zero attention to the game. I timed it right when the waiters served the duck, which was a secret item on the wedding menu that only Arrogant Nation members got to order. You have to remember lots of my wife’s family went to other Pac 1o schools, of course they were forced to eat leftover bear meat from my vision quest I went on the night before (after the rehersal dinner I went with my groomsman deep into the Catalina Foothills with spears and we hunted bears I had airlifted in from Nor Cal. It was pretty aggressive). Kiff was distracted, but let’s be honest, did you really care about beating Oregon anyway? I kind of did. I kind of don’t care. We won the arrogant battle and here is why…
For one thing, I just found out their mascot is name Puddles. I mean, why not just name him tampon? The way it works is that you give a non-threatening name to a tough mascot. Tommy Trojan. Wilbur Wildcat. You give a tough name to a non-threatening mascot. Brutus Buckeye. You got it? When your mascot is a Disney duck, you don’t name him Puddles. You name him Baby Eater. You name him Optimus Fucking Prime. Puddles? I almost feel bad for them and they WON the game.
Chip Kelly was still super sweaty and fat, so that didn’t help things.
Also, perhaps the most arrogant thing I can say is I am probably rooting for Puddles and Co. to win out and be “champs” this year. Here’s why. For one, if Auburn loses in the SEC championship, there’s a chance Oregon will play Boise or TCU and we will experience the least meaningful title game in history, which is super arrogant. I cannot wait for ESPN to attempt getting the nation stoked on a game between a team called the Horned Frogs and a team from Eugene, Oregon with a mascot named Puddles. I mean, can you imagine what those ratings would be like? Will anyone believe the winner of that game is the champion of anything?
Remember the days of USC v Texas? USC v Oklahoma? Ohio State v Miami? We could get Oregon v TCU. This season sucks and that has very little to do with our sanctions, which frankly are helping me get to the core of what Arrogant Nation is about. Concentrated Arrogance. Arrogance so concentrated that one drop of it put in the water supply in Westwood would cause Diddy Riese’s ice cream to ferment and leading to thousands of UCLA students learning what being drunk feels like.
Another big victory for us was ESPN showing up on our campus and having to pay attention to us even though they have been trying so hard not to. Arrogant Nation was excellent both with showing signs with Lost Angeles sayings on them (lots of You Can’t Sanction The Endzones and Bowls Are For Salads) and lots of new and creative copy attempts. I woke up on the floor of my hotel room in my bear skin pants and battle armour (I told you we went on a vision quest the night before the wedding) and saw my arrogant brothers and sisters repping Arrogant Nation proudly. The country read our messages and USC basically gave the universe a giant middle finger.
Another thing, Oregon fans have been emailing me and bragging. A lot. That is a victory for Arrogant Nation. I have never emailed anyone about anything after a win because I expect to win. When we lose, I move on and expect to win the next game. The moment we forget that is the moment Tommy Trojan grows butt feathers and changes his name to Puddles.
We turn our attention next to the same desert in which I currently find myself hunting javelinas and wildcats with my lazer vision. Come Thursday, the world will get a preview of the Hotness Cup, the game where USC and ASU play and compete for bragging rights for Best Looking School on earth. I simply cannot wait to pump you up to go 6-3 on the field, 9-0 in arrogance.
Thanks for all the wedding wishes and “bear”-ing with me over a busy weeked. I am bringing the lumber back on Thurs and we’re getting closer to our rivalry games. It’s about to get nasty, strange, weird and whiskey-soaked. I just can’t wait.
Stay arrogant. Love, Z.