Arrogant Game Recap: Oregon

As most of you know, my wedding was arrogantly going on at the same time as the USC v Oregon game.  While the final score showed a loss for the Trojans, I must admit I only got to watch about two and a half minutes of the game.  During those two and a half minutes, USC outscored the Ducks 7-0.  For me, that was more than enough to decide arrogantly that we had won and I could move on to things like drinking scotch and dancing with my new blonde wife.

Worry not, we kept it extra arrogant.  Both my best man and my brother-in-law gave the entire wedding score updates and we had the game going on televisions at the extra bars (yes, my wedding had about five bars and I had secret, ancient scotch fermented in the stomach of a bear hidden at each of them).

I have a really arrogant confession to make.  When I heard we were losing by only four in the 3rd quarter, I thought it would be awesome to have Lane Fucking Kiffin speak via satellite feed to the guests at my reception.  Naturally, I paged him (yes, he uses a pager he kept from back in the day when we used to hang out at hospitals and pretend to be surgeons to meet chicks) and he immediately called me back.  That might be because I put both “911” and “143” at the end of my page.  For a large part of the fourth quarter, Kiff was giving a speech live to my wedding and arrogantly paying zero attention to the game.  I timed it right when the waiters served the duck, which was a secret item on the wedding menu that only Arrogant Nation members got to order.  You have to remember lots of my wife’s family went to other Pac 1o schools, of course they were forced to eat leftover bear meat from my vision quest I went on the night before (after the rehersal dinner I went with my groomsman deep into the Catalina Foothills with spears and we hunted bears I had airlifted in from Nor Cal.  It was pretty aggressive).  Kiff was distracted, but let’s be honest, did you really care about beating Oregon anyway?  I kind of did.  I kind of don’t care.  We won the arrogant battle and here is why…

For one thing, I just found out their mascot is name Puddles.  I mean, why not just name him tampon?  The way it works is that you give a non-threatening name to a tough mascot.  Tommy Trojan.  Wilbur Wildcat.  You give a tough name to a non-threatening mascot.  Brutus Buckeye.  You got it?  When your mascot is a Disney duck, you don’t name him Puddles.  You name him Baby Eater.  You name him Optimus Fucking Prime.  Puddles?  I almost feel bad for them and they WON the game.

Chip Kelly was still super sweaty and fat, so that didn’t help things.

Also, perhaps the most arrogant thing I can say is I am probably rooting for Puddles and Co. to win out and be “champs” this year.  Here’s why.  For one, if Auburn loses in the SEC championship, there’s a chance Oregon will play Boise or TCU and we will experience the least meaningful title game in history, which is super arrogant.  I cannot wait for ESPN to attempt getting the nation stoked on a game between a team called the Horned Frogs and a team from Eugene, Oregon with a mascot named Puddles.  I mean, can you imagine what those ratings would be like?  Will anyone believe the winner of that game is the champion of anything?

Remember the days of USC v Texas?  USC v Oklahoma?  Ohio State v Miami?  We could get Oregon v TCU.  This season sucks and that has very little to do with our sanctions, which frankly are helping me get to the core of what Arrogant Nation is about.  Concentrated Arrogance.  Arrogance so concentrated that one drop of it put in the water supply in Westwood would cause Diddy Riese’s ice cream to ferment and leading to thousands of UCLA students learning what being drunk feels like.

Another big victory for us was ESPN showing up on our campus and having to pay attention to us even though they have been trying so hard not to.  Arrogant Nation was excellent both with showing signs with Lost Angeles sayings on them (lots of You Can’t Sanction The Endzones and Bowls Are For Salads) and lots of new and creative copy attempts.  I woke up on the floor of my hotel room in my bear skin pants and battle armour (I told you we went on a vision quest the night before the wedding) and saw my arrogant brothers and sisters repping Arrogant Nation proudly.  The country read our messages and USC basically gave the universe a giant middle finger.

Another thing, Oregon fans have been emailing me and bragging.  A lot.  That is a victory for Arrogant Nation.  I have never emailed anyone about anything after a win because I expect to win.  When we lose, I move on and expect to win the next game.  The moment we forget that is the moment Tommy Trojan grows butt feathers and changes his name to Puddles.

We turn our attention next to the same desert in which I currently find myself hunting javelinas and wildcats with my lazer vision.  Come Thursday, the world will get a preview of the Hotness Cup, the game where USC and ASU play and compete for bragging rights for Best Looking School on earth.  I simply cannot wait to pump you up to go 6-3 on the field, 9-0 in arrogance.

Thanks for all the wedding wishes and “bear”-ing with me over a busy weeked.  I am bringing the lumber back on Thurs and we’re getting closer to our rivalry games.  It’s about to get nasty, strange, weird and whiskey-soaked.  I just can’t wait.

Stay arrogant.  Love, Z.

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16 Comments

Filed under Rants and Musings

16 responses to “Arrogant Game Recap: Oregon

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Arrogant Game Recap: Oregon « Lost Angeles -- Topsy.com

  2. Csetset

    You sir, are the male incarnate of Athena, the goddess of wisdom and intelligence. (Btw, sometime in the last few thousands of years since the Trojan War, Athena realized her mistake in supporting the Athenians over the far superior Trojans and has decided to send us a human leader [you] to guide us to our rightful place as Most Arrogant of All.)

    Texas and Florida are rebuilding, so I wasn’t expecting them to be BCS contenders. But with Alabama, Nebraska, OSU and Oklahoma out of the running, I found myself thinking, “Wow, who the fuck cares?” The BCS is about watching two powerhouses beat the crap out of each other to get a football made out of glass. At the very least, it’s about watching a powerhouse annihilate a wannabe team and put them in their rightful place (it’s scientifically proven that we humans above all other animals love exposing and punishing fakes).

    Oregon vs. Boise State/Auburn/TCU. Wow, yawn. I was at the Coli on Saturday. Oregon was good, but far from a powerhouse. It’s absolutely hilarious to me that they compare themselves to the Texas-es..es, USC’s, and Florida’s of the country. Until 4th quarter when LFK stepped aside to speak at Zack’s wedding, USC was the dominant team, trumping every one of the Ducks’ moves and calling plays like we had sight soothsayers guiding us to victory.

    Anyway, your post reminded me of something funny I read on the ESPN threads a few day ago. Something along the lines of, “USC you’re lucky you’re playing Oregon, because it’s the only way you’ll get press. You should be thankful.” I spent a good 5 minutes perplexed at how anyone can be convinced that GameDay was there because of Oregon and not USC.

    Is it just me or am I the only one who realizes that GameDay was clearly there because of us and not the Ducks? We are an unranked team under sanctions. If ESPN wanted to give press to Oregon, why not do it when they played any other unranked team? It seems to me that USC could have been playing any #2 team in the nation and GameDay still would have been there…making Oregon the variable, and not USC.

    Whatever. Congratulations to your wedding. I look forward to your next preview.

    • Duck Blind

      “It seems to me that USC could have been playing any #2 team in the nation and GameDay still would have been there…making Oregon the variable, and not USC.”

      Nailed it.

  3. TMBtrumpet01

    Congrats on the wedding. probably the only true bummer to getting married on this gameday is not being able to have the TMB to play at your wedding. Nothing screams arrogant more than 20 kids in full uniform blaring out “Conquest” while you stand next to your blonde wife. V for victory, indeed.

    And there’s nothing more arrogant than almost 1000 Trojan Band A-holes taking the field at halftime and giving general drunken birds to all those in green.

  4. Ausdawg85

    I’m confused. You said LFK was going to be at your wedding…a stand-in was at the game (obviously!) So, did LFK leave the room to respond to your page and do the satellite feed? Dude, that’s so arrogant you made him leave the party to rejoin it by tv phone.

    Congrats…love the blog. Trojans…not so much.

  5. Nicola

    Zack,

    My buddy Keoki made the “Congrats Zack and Emily” sign , as well as an additional one. I managed to sit nearish him this time. I’ll let him know that you’re lookin for him.

    Stay arrogant,

    Nicola

  6. Scott

    Yea Bro! married man now? wow! super arrogant! Congrats!
    Were you able able 2 see the fumble? or should I say the football bouncing off Barkley!? When the ball was snapped to him while he was turned looking over at LFK? (Which by the way? Made me think I was still tailgating and watching some 3footer trying to throw an oversize football to his 2foot bro and then knocking the cocktail out of some poor guys hand, who’s standing across from me while he’s BBQ and gazing at his super hot wife!?) Well anyways, if you look close enough and get someone to read LFK lipps, what he yelled at Barkley was if was able to throw a pass and score another touchdown, He’d LET him wear his LFK Visor 4 a week! Super Arrogant and sweetest play of the game and during the hike! Who needs bowls when you can…. PLAY 4 the Visor…

  7. Nice work on breaking out the “pager code” references.

    Getting married on a Trojan game day, though? And a home game at that! That would be like Reggie Bush going shopping with the girlfriend on Super Bowl Sunday! (And we all know the Saints won’t be suited up on that day.)

  8. Rob

    Loved everything about the column. Just one question about the best-looking school cup: is ASU really a school?

  9. I woke up Sunday to many tweets from Puddles fans, and this is the best statement I have ever read. “I have never emailed anyone about anything after a win because I expect to win.” I tried to explain this to the foolish duck followers via twitter, but they got confused.

  10. When Chip Kelly was asked by a fan standing by me at the wall , he actually stopped and told us “These pants are green (they were dark olive), and this tie is yellow. Those are Duck colors.” All while giving a look of disgust that he was even questioned.

  11. Big Shock

    Saw the first pic from the post. You know what’s arrogant?…having Opie Taylor travel through time in order to hold a “YOU CANT SANCTION THE ENDZONE” sign.

  12. Anarchangel

    I have to say, I think we suffered our first defeat in arrogance. First drive of the game and they go for 2 straight off? Arrogant. Scoring in 30 seconds in the final two minutes of the half and giving us the ball back so they can stop our two minute drill? Super Arrogant. I didn’t think we brought our A-game. You know what A stands for.

  13. Broseidon

    The nice thing about being from California is that we are not from Oregon or Washington. Therefore, regardless of the outcome of any sporting event, we win. Period.

    Fight on.

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