Five years ago when I received the key to the city of Scottsdale (not a ceremonial key, but literally a key that opens every door in Scottsdale, which is crazy arrogant because I now exclusively relieve myself in women’s employee bathrooms in shopping complexes that have at least 20 palm trees incorporated in them), I formed my deep understanding of the greater Phoenix area. Arrogantly, I can say USC’s greatest challenge this weekend will not be on the football field. It will be a challenge to stay focused.
Arizona State is lodged in a patch of inferno like desert so hot that the term “frying an egg on the sidewalk” doesn’t apply. Eggs in Tempe explode when placed on the sidewalk, but in most cases refuse to be hatched, which is a super arrogant chicken-based call for abstinence. Fortunately for those brave enough to endure the heat and visit, chickens are the only creatures in the greater Phoenix area that practice anything close to abstinence.
The city planners for nearby Scottsdale seemingly decided their plan was to collect as many of the elements that cause people to hate Las Vegas and Los Angeles (and a little bit of San Diego) and duplicate them in the middle of the Sonoran desert. The end result is a sea of one-word-named clubs and shopping centers with merchandise so expensive that it levels the playing field in the competition for hot girls as old men spending their twilight years in the desert in white linen suits can afford to play sugar daddy.
Now, arrogantly speaking, all of that could be totally awesome. Unfortunately, it isn’t because PHX is a good two years behind the cities it tries to be and the result is a locust-like swarm of flyers like this:
Every single one of these flyers promotes a DJ no one has ever heard of for a birthday party for a guy so douchey he allowed himself to be put on a flyer for his own birthday party played by a Jj no one has ever heard of. Additionally, there are more “entertainment companies” in Scottsdale than in any other city (arrogantly, I may just be able to avoid them in LA by going out of my way to stay at dives, whiskey bars and back alley bear fighting tournaments).
For those un-initiated, an entertainment company is simply a guy who likes t-shirts with shiny embossed images of dragons, being a bartender, working out and collecting phone numbers of girls who won’t sleep with him, but will take photos pretending they will as long as he gets them into a bar called “Lube” without having to wait in line.
To be fair, there is a reason for this behavior. The reason is that Arizona State girls look like USC girls, but didn’t need a USC GPA to get in. The net result is this, all the time, across the desert, until time stops:
Some of Arrogant Nation might be thinking I am generalizing here. Only I am not. The girls at Arizona State are crazy attractive, completely uninhibited and the only true threat to our undefeated season in arrogance. If you Google image search the name of a university, you learn a lot about what it will take to beat them in arrogance. For instance, when you GIS “Stanford”, here is what you get:
NERDS. That is the least arrogant Google Image Search ever. Literally a picture of an old woman eating corn chowder would have been more arrogant. This is why Harbaugh is so important to their school. He is all they have.
If you keep GIS schools in the conference, you see a lot of nerdiness. Until you Google Arizona State and you realize that we will have a big time fight on our hands:
9 pictures containing hot girls, 1 beer bottle opener that plays their fight song, 2 images of their pedophile on Halloween mascot and no less than 3 maps presumably so you can find your way home after a night of drinking.
Arrogant Nation, that is some stiff competition. Before I get down to predicitons, here is what a USC search nets out with:
A lot of hot girls (and even better they are our Song Girls in a lot of cases, which is good because 9 of 10 Song Girls support Arrogant Nation), a lot of football victory poses and a lot of our logo. I think we have the arrogant edge here, but I want to point out that this is close because with the hotness and inebriation levels ASU girls frequently bring to the table, they are really looking to become Arrogant State University. Of course, it’s still be a state school, so that docks some arrogance points.
Understand, Arrogant Nation that on the field, our Trojans are going to win this game. It is what we do as a unit that will determine the arrogance win. Their Disney-drawn Halloween pedophile dressed as a devil mascot will be running around the Coliseum doing some pretty arrogant things. He will be eating caviar. He will be hanging out with half-naked ASU girls that aren’t sure what city they are in that have found new and interesting ways to cut bookstore-purchased t-shirts into one-piece going out dresses.
Keep your eyes focused on the prize. Keep a tin of beluga caviar in your pocket. Wear a bear head as a hat. Our time is here. I’ve looked at the schedule. A win in arrogance here and we’re coasting to an undefeated season. (Sorry, I just laughed at how many times I am going to say Beaver during the OSU preview).
And, oh yeah. Here’s a picture of Dennis Erickson giving the shocker (which is probably what the pedophile mascot convinced him was the way to show their pitchfork-trident thing, which was a totally arrogant move to pull on an old guy who probably sees the one-word nightclubs in town and thinks his still in Miami when people gave a shit about Dennis Erickson).
ASU 23 (14 points coming from naked girls running on the field convinced the last Flaming Dr. Pepper they drank in the crowd actually set them on fire)
2 PT. CONVERSIONS
3 (2 successful, one blocked by pedophile mascot)