Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. I was married in Tucson and despite the picturesque beauty of the Catalina Foothills (South Tucson, not so much picturesque), I knew that soon our Trojans would be in the desert fending themselves from wild javelinas and the fatter of the two Stoops brothers. That is why I took incredible preventative measures to ensure our team would be able to compete on the field with little fear of sabotage from the surrounding desert. It was arrogant that I had all this time to do this during my wedding preparation, but arrogantly I hired Tom Hanks to play me for most of the wedding events, including but not limited to the rehearsal dinner. While I don’t really look like Tom Hanks, I think it’s universally agreed upon that he’d be believable as pretty much anything, my incredibly arrogant and handsome self included.
Quite possibly the most arrogant thing Tucson has going (besides its refusal to build things taller than two stories) is the saguaro cactus. Whenever someone draws a cactus, they draw a saguaro. It takes them like 75 years to grow one of their signature arms, which lets you know a saguaro knows how to slow roll. He will wait until your girlfriend breaks up with you and swoop in being all, “I’m a two ton cactus” and girls in Tucson totally fall for that style of game. If you don’t believe me, go to Dirtbag’s just off campus and dress like a cactus. It’s a local tradition and sexual loophole. It’s not how I met my wife, but it totally would have worked had she not arrogantly defected to California in hopes of meeting the most arrogant blogger in the United States (and outlying territories).
By the way, tourists come to take pictures with saguaros and don’t realize they are dead and then they tip over and kill people. It’s a treacherous desert, Arrogant Nation. That’s why I tricked 4,000 ASU students into taking a “400 level environmental science class” which simply entails each of them standing at the base of a saguaro and making sure it at no time can fall on Lane Fucking Kiffin, who simply must survive this trip to the desert so our undefeated arrogant season can go on. So if you see a hot girl looking confused in the desert by a saguaro, you’re welcome. But don’t go near her or the saguaro. That’s how those prickly bastards strike. Death by saguaro, while arrogant, kind of seems like a pain in the ass.
Let’s get into it. First of all, “Bear Down” is the Zona rally cry. They say “Bear Down” to pump themselves up to play football. I say it after I kill a fucking bear. I also strike a totally arrogant pose and say something crescent fresh like “looks like they’ll be plenty of bear to go around” and then I take my shirt off and flex. You’re welcome, forest.
Now, the Wildcats are led by coach Mike Stoops, who is Bob Stoops’ brother and whose last name rhymes with what Oklahoma does whenever they are in a big game. (Here’s a hint, they shit the bed). Mike Stoops constantly appears to be on the verge of having an aneurism or a bacon-wrapped hot dog (or both, totally unrelated). Seriously, the guy is really intense in that way that makes you uncomfortable, like he might spontaneously punch a waiter (which I endorse) or show you his junk (which I don’t). He freaks me out enough that if I was ever going to war, I’d ask him to be my Tom Sizemore-slash-Mickey Rourke and just be reckless and say really tough shit all the time. First, I’d ask him to change his name because his brother is clown shoes.
An important factor of Mike Stoops’ game plan is that he has chosen to be the third in the trilogy of visor-wearing Pac-10 coaches. Lane Fucking Kiffin invented wearing visors and also is in the best shape (hence he has the hottest wife) and Chip Kelly basically exists on the other side of the spectrum (which is code for he is fat as balls). Essentially for your viewing reference, if Kiffin is a small and Kelly is a large, Stoops is your medium. Medium with a side of bat shit crazy.
Stoops will be bringing it loud and crazy under his visor and the saguaros will be doing their best to crush my elite team of imprisoned Sun Devil students. The question remains, what will we have to contend with on the field?
The answer is Nick Foles, the Wildcat quarterback with the highest passer efficiency rating in the Pac-10. Nick Foles looks like the bastard child of Steve Nash and Tom Petty that they never talked about, put up for adoption, was raised in San Diego feral-style by coyotes and later kidnapped and brought to Tucson by a very coked up Mike Stoops. See?
We’re going to have to tackle him a lot and trigger his fight-or-flight instincts developed hunting cocker spaniels in La Jolla with his coyote family. If you don’t put a fence above your backyard, this feral bastard will get in and eat your dog, and we can’t stand for that. I have been emailing him digital copies of Where the Red Fern Grows for weeks now in the hopes he reads it and it makes him sad. You know, because the dog dies. Like his coyote parents did.
Stoops is not so much arrogant as he is crazy, so the odds are we have a leg up. Lane Fucking Kiffin is taking no chances though. His quotes in THIS ARTICLE by T.J. Simers really set the tone for the rest of the season. His quote about the ASU game is proof he reads this blog. I’m honored. Also, Kiff. You’re welcome.
“The score got to be 29-14 last week and I know there was some concern folks might switch channels or go read a book to their kids,” Kiffin said. “So we told four of our guys to miss tackles so the other team could run the ball all the way back.”
A close game on the field, huge blow out in arrogance. Predictions!
ZONA 30.5 (A falling saguaro blocks an extra point attempt, but in an effort to not piss off the desert, they award half a point for effort as it was clear the saguaro made a mistake and was rooting for the Wildcats)
TWO POINT CONVERSIONS:
1 for 4 (it’s arrogant that we lead the nation in successful attempts, we’ll look to build on that lead)
You are running out of time to order a shirt. We’ll be closing down the shop in the offseason (or maybe switching over into Laker/Dodger gear) so if you want to wear it in the offseason, hook it up. For those that ordered, 90 percent will be shipped in the next few days. So, keep an eye out. Other than that, good luck getting to the weekend and stay away from the saguaros.