A rowdy crew gathered around my coffee table for the game this weekend. Guests included a Scottish cave monster, a British visitor who brought Balvenie and a love of the football club Doncaster, a tennis star repping the St. Mary’s Gaels (always found the use of “ae” next to each other in words arrogant) and of course, Morgan, my bearfighting business partner for Lane Fucking Kiffin. We got into several bottles of scotch, including but not limited to some 21 year old Macallan and by game time my face was comfortably hydroplaning on my skull and I was already screaming at the television for no particular reason.
Lane Fucking Kiffin came out straight nails for this game, combining his lucky grey windbreaker (which was galvanized to be harder than steel in our incredibly arrogant victory over ASU) with his incredibly regal and uber-traditional white visor. The combination of an undefeated (and bulletproof) windbreaker and the pure whiteness of the visor (which cannot be stared directly into not unlike an eclipse) was so potent even pre-game that I knew we were chalking up our seventh victory of the year. In arrogance, we had already won so we all shotgunned a beer in my private rose garden before the game to celebrate 10-0. Side note, Kiffin’s visor is now the only man-made object visible from space. It is so bright that you can no longer see the Great Wall of China, which is arrogant to rob them like that. Most weather satelittes had to be calibrated for game days as the visor (depending on time of day) usually registers as a tropical storm.
The saguaros posed little trouble for the Trojans in the hours before the game, so it was clear Mike Stoops was too busy eating bacon wrapped hot dogs and headbutting elderly transplanted senior citizens from the East Coast to realize a swift and arrogant death was coming. Hubris is a powerful weapon, but not everyone can wield it. There was a discussion thread on some Arizona Wildcat Football Forum (I know, I was surprised there were enough people that care about Zona football to have a forum too) where they were analyzing my blog and explaining that USC was no longer a big game. It was nice that we agreed on it, because even when we lost to Zona last year it wasn’t a big game.
A picture captured by an anonymous Arrogant Nation member close to the program really explains why this battle in arrogance was never really a battle at all:
First of all, BOWLS ARE FOR SALADS. Endzone, bitch.
Second, can you believe they actually put those banners up? We had to make a giant ass banner and just list all our ROSE BOWLS on it. If we were going to make banners for every bowl we’ve been to and put them around the field, we’d need a field the size of Delaware. If I were a student at Arizona, I would not sleep until we pulled those things down like we’d just won a big upset (which we wouldn’t know because we don’t rush the field and which they wouldn’t know because they never win football games). I mean, why put those up? That’s like listing the fact your mother put your Kindergarten finger painting pictures on the family refrigerator on your resume and giving it to a Fortune 500 company. There is nothing less arrogant than admitting you have been to an event called the Christmas Classic unless it was held at a country club in space and was just an excuse to drink egg nog and encourage girls to dress as the whole naughty Mrs. Claus thing. I mean, if that’s the Christmas Classic, I endorse. But it isn’t, so I don’t.
In the end, that space could be left blank or covered in dead coyote pelts or something desert tough. In fact, if any Zona kids steal that sign and prove it, I will personally recommend them for the grad school of their choice at USC. You’re welcome in advance.
As for the game itself, major arrogant props to Marc Tyler who ran for 237,000 yards on 97 carries. Marc, I know you got this power from going to high school in my home town, so you’re welcome. Also, good work. There is nothing more demoralizing than beating a team ranked above you by just running on them all day at will. It’s the college football equivalent of toilet-papering someone’s house, only by toilet paper I mean napalm and by house I mean dreams.
There were some nice arrogant touches to this game. There was a fake field goal successfully scripted by the most arrogant back-up quarterback of all time, Mitch Mustain. Mitch, if you see this, your quote about wishing we scored on the play made me so proud I immediately told the bear I had in a headlock at the time that you read the blog and learned arrogance from me directly. By the way, Mitch. If that bear’s family calls you looking for their kid, just tell them he went to Vegas. That part isn’t a lie and I really can’t be blamed for a faulty parachute and his insistence that he weighed less than 200 lbs.
I also enjoyed the time we ran back a blocked extra point and then it got called back for a neutral zone infraction. I like running 100 yards for no reason.
In the end, Lane Fucking Kiffin just watched Stanford muscle Zona all over the field and correctly (and arrogantly) guessed we’d do the exact same thing. Which we did. And it was totally hilarious.
As some of you have inquired, the UCLA T-Shirt contest has been postponed to next season. I can’t tell you specifically why (I’m arrogant), but with the grandiose plans we have for Arrogant Nation next season, we had to do the correct thing and focus our energy on fulfilling our hundreds and hundreds of orders and helping our team get to 10-3 on the field and 13-0 in Arrogance.
Next season we already 2 new designs, new materials and a content plan. The blog will return to regularly scheduled content starting in January (with of course occasional Arrogant Nation posts) which will include coverage of a certain terrible and arrogant reality show, the Lakers playoffs and the shit show we call the Dodgers.
I promise you, this is only the beginning for Arrogant Nation and I have to be honest, the correct answer for a UCLA shirt is going to come from the game on the field. Kiff is going to do something amazing. I simply can’t wait.
See you Thursday for what is sure to win the Academy Award for most uses for the word Beaver in a blog post.