Last night deep in an undisclosed forest, the leaders of the most powerful bear clans met to eat salmon and discuss the greatest threat to the international bear community since the poison honey recall in late 1974. The threat that they discussed last night comes from Orange County and is the subject of all bedtime stories told to mischievous young cubs as a cautionary tale before they drift into uneasy sleep. This threat is Matt Barkley. And he’s crazy lethal to bears.
Matt Barkley knew he wanted to go to USC since he was still in his mother’s womb. Friends of the family discussed in great detail the fact that they could hear the muffled drumline from Conquest coming from his mother’s belly, not unlike the sensation of standing outside a nightclub and hearing Far East Movement’s “Like A G6” through the walls. From the moment Matt Barkley was born, he was going to be a Trojan.
As a child, he was banned from every zoo in Southern California because the bears would go into cardiac arrest when he walked by. His parents never let him throw out his own trash because he’d throw it so hard the garbage cans would explode and light on fire. As awesome as that sounds, Southern California is always in danger of brush fires and young Matt was just too dangerous a weapon.
After winning Gatorade High School Player of the year as a junior, he was benched his senior year for inventing a new offense where he could throw to himself. He wasn’t benched because his coach was mad. He was benched because the US Air Force stepped in, confiscated the playbook and now uses the core strategies within it to defend the skies above Washington D.C. from missiles and/or aliens. Will Smith AND Jeff Goldblum’s characters in Independence Day were both based on Matt Barkley. Side note, the dog in Independence Day that jumps over three cars to escape from a high speed, three story explosion that was chasing it was also based on a day when Matt was four years old and invented Parkour. I don’t care if you believe me.
When Matt got to USC, he immediately became our starting quarterback after winning the job and explaining to Pete Carroll the values of a diversified stock portfolio, which Matt knows a lot about as Boiler Room was based on a drawing he did as a child (left-handed, it was nuts, subtitles in French just to be arrogant). Barkley beat the Ohio State Buckeyes in the state of Ohio. He was the first true freshman ever to start at quarterback for USC. He beat Notre Dame and UCLA and even pretended it was difficult even though most of us in the know realize he played most of the game with his eyes closed after watching that scene in Star Wars where Luke had to block lazers from that floating ball wearing a blindfold. Why? Because he had taken a film class and thought that shit was totally doable. George Lucas later regrets not casting Barkley in all six films because he could have avoided the need for special effects because Barkley can do all that shit naturally. Side note, Matt Barkley’s ex girlfriends all got together and nicknamed him “The Force”. They all still call him on his birthday which each of their families now celebrate as a national holiday.
Then sanctions hit because Reggie Bush went amateur hour and wouldn’t pay off a guy he took money from. The school was penalized for lack of institutional control (which sounds more like a gastrointestinal problem than a violation of the fuzzy line between pro athlete making money for himself and NFL team and amateur athlete making money for school). USC players had the option to ditch the school and play right away at other schools. A guy like Matt Barkley could have gone anywhere. Instead, he did the most arrogant thing I have ever heard. He decided he’d stay even though he wouldn’t get a chance to play in a bowl game until his senior year. That is literally so arrogant I am going to set my clocks to London time and just drink for breakfast and sleep through important business meetings.
I have always felt a kinship with Matt Barkley, because like me, he is undefeated against bears (more specifically, teams with bear names, but the one time I ever saw him lose a fight to a real bear, it was due to a suckerpunch, an elaborate pizza delivery costume and an Ambien. Don’t worry, hours later he kidnapped the bear’s dog and sent it to Georgia to be the new UGa mascot. It was hilarious and the dog was totally unharmed). In fact, Barkley is 3-0 vs the Golden Bears and Bruins outscoring both sets of nerds 108-24. He also is 1-0 versus Notre Dame. And he is just getting started (hence the whole late night meeting of the bear chiefs-of-state).
That is why today, I am beginning my campaign for Matt Barkley for Heisman in 2011. Sure, I could go for 2012 and hope he sticks around for a non-sanctioned year, but the reality is, I want him to win during sanctions. In my mind, this is the ultimate jam. This is a bacon-wrapped hot dog when you are hammered. This is our manifest destiny.
Don’t get me wrong. Matt should stay all four years. It’s not because he shouldn’t take the NFL money after next season, which will be arrogant and sizable. It’s not because he won’t be ready to compete at that level, he was ready in 1984 and I am pretty sure he wasn’t even born yet. The reason he should stay is to break every record we have at USC, put his jersey in the spot where Reggie’s was and stand atop the mountain as the greatest USC player of all time. By the way, there are tons of hot chicks on top of the mountain and a stream that flows with Veuve Cliquot. I know because I own a time-share up there. Best part is, I own all the shares, I just hate the word condo. Matt is invited once he graduates because the whole thing screams improper benefits. Robert Woods can come too.
Frankly, this blog is so arrogant it should be considered improper benefits for all of Arrogant Nation. Write my name in the endzone in bear meat.
As a potential four year starter, Matt will break all records (sorry Carson, but you were a garbage sandwich before you were filet mignon, but big ups that time at a house party in Agoura Hills you were a homie to me despite the fact I was in high school, albeit in high school my shit was still the shit).
The real advantage Barkley has is that he stayed when he could have left. He never abandoned his teammates or the fans and that is why I call upon Arrogant Nation to join forces with me immediately to bombard the universe with cosmic Barkley promotional energy. I formed Arrogant Nation for the same reason Matt stayed. Both of us arrogantly had sexy other options (mine was caviar, a trained hummingbird that can counterfeit money and a house insulated with foie gras), but we chose to celebrate the glory of our school and battle through a tough time brought on us by some asshole who used to be cool, but now hangs out with Drew Brees.
ESPN asks Matt a lot of horseshit questions. I remember sitting in bed on my wedding day eating bacon in my tuxedo with a glass of Maker’s Mark in my hand (it was 6:30 am) and listening to Erin Andrews ask Matt about why he stayed. While part of his answer was about extended NFL training, I know he was thinking, “why explain the truth to a woman who went to Florida, clearly she won’t get it anyway”.
Whatever the reasons are, Matt stayed and Arrogant Nation needs to let Matt know he is our guy. From there, we need to let the world know. If Reggie lost his Heisman for being selfish and they are afraid to give it to Cam Newton for fear of him being dirty, shouldn’t the world be thinking about giving it to someone who paid the price for a crime he didn’t commit?
Matt is going to get us a 10 win season. He is going to remind the world that you can’t sanction the endzone. He’s going to be the Trojan remembered for smacking the doubters in the face and steering the ship through the fog. That’s on the field. I’ll handle everything off the field.
So Matt, I assume you are reading this because arrogantly, I already know everyone reads this, even Bruins (and actual bears). Don’t sweat ESPN or anyone else. You have Lost Angeles and Arrogant Nation to make sure the word gets out. So here’s my arrogant request to you…
Next time you throw a touchdown, give Arrogant Nation a sign. Throw up a bear claw (and then do a chop like that time I saw you cut off a bear’s hand because he tried to cheat at cards). Throw a football at the other team’s mascot (pull a James Van Der Beek if you will). When you get interviewed, tell them bowls are for salad or that they can’t sanction the endzone. Send Arrogant Nation into a frenzy. Honestly, you pick. Just make sure Kiff’s visor isn’t in the way because it reflects so much sunlight all our retinas will burn and we’ll whatever you did.
In the coming months, I will lay out our plan to get Matt a Heisman trophy right here on the blog. It is going to take courage and frankly those of you who don’t like the taste of bear meat might want to sit this one out. No one is more arrogant than we are. Matt will throw the 45 TDs. Lane Fucking Kiffin will call the plays we need. Pretty sure Robert Woods is going to catch all 45 of them. We will do the rest (including but not limited to writing congressmen and former Heisman winners). Every letter I write will be mailed and also posted on the blog. If you are familiar with me, you understand the kind of letters I plan to send (once I know the USPS’s policies on sending people freeze-dried bear steaks).
So for now, it begins. I am calling on my homie (and touchdown machine) Alex Holmes (@Trojan81 on Twitter) to help out, and by help out I mean roll with my bear killers to Vegas with us and start the revolution. Matt, clear it with Kiffin (invite him if you want, someone needs to pay for the limo, legal fees and dry cleaning), but you and your crew are invited as well. We’re taking matters into our own hands now Arrogant Nation.
I’m very arrogant and very motivated. Who is with me?