I embark now on my greatest challenge since inventing a special type of camouflage that makes me almost completely invisible to bears. That challenge is to write an Arrogant Game Preview for Oregon State that makes sense despite a high level of wildly sexual innuendos. As most of you know, Oregon State chose the “Beavers” as their mascot. Since that time, many Beaver jokes have been made. For me, I am just sorry the University of South Carolina isn’t the USC playing OSU this weekend. I mean, it’s low brow humor, but I am arrogant enough to state the jejune hilarity of Cocks vs Beavers. Winner plays Morehead State.
The Beavers are lead by running back Jacquizz Rodgers, and frankly, I can’t believe the best Beaver’s name is Jacquizz, which sounds more sexual than almost any proper noun I’ve come across. In fact, the fact Oregon State announcers frequently say, “Jacquizz rolls into the endzone and the Beavers take the lead” is possibly the most arrogant thing I have ever heard. Luckily, this fact is totally mitigated by the Beavers getting mauled by the Cougars of Washington State in a matchup between the two Pac-10 schools representing the two worst home towns in the conference.
Corvallis is so random it almost should be the subject of a horror film. After a night of getting drunk on campus at Oregon in a super arrogant Prefontaine shirt I wore to confuse coeds (which ended up being easy), I headed towards Seattle to eat cream cheese hot dogs and maybe have a scotch with Pete Carroll. On the way north, after a clearing in the vast evergreen forests (where nerdy Oregonians re-enact scenes from Lord of the Rings), I saw a sign on an empty off ramp reading “CORVALLIS” and like a billion miles. So, essentially, make a right at the kid from Deliverance who plays the banjo and head deep into the middle of nowhere. There, you will find Beaver.
Corvallis, besides sounding like the name of a drug for erectile dysfunction, should win a national poll for city “Most Likely to Be Overrun by Zombies”. I mean, look at it. This is where suddenly the barber, the mayor and the rest of the town turn into undead versions of themselves and try to eat as many Beavers as they can. I feel like the recruiting trips for the football team are so difficult. I feel like they bring the prospective Beavers to Corvallis and then just tell them all the roads are blocked and force them to spend enough time there that the local charm kicks in (sort of like in Groundhog Day without any of the awesome parts like when Bill Murray dresses like a rebelde and takes a hooker to the movies).
Let’s get into the Beaver. Look at this asshole. The artist was so cheap he didn’t even have enough ink to finish his retinas. He also has a sailor hat on, which leads me to believe he is part of some fraternal Beaver Navy that goes to war against the local otter population. I mean, that part is kind of arrogant. Also, his name is Benny Beaver, which I can only assume is short for Benjamin Beaver. Truth is, in the limited research I tasked my elite team of Swiss underwear models to do, I found that in 1999, they drew a meaner looking beaver, which they still use today and refer to as Angry Benny Beaver. I don’t know if I have ever seen an angry Beaver in person, but I am hoping to see many on television this weekend when 2011 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley throws for five touchdowns and gives Arrogant Nation the “bear claw chop” after at least 2 of them. You can’t sanction the endzone, but I think we all know you can sanction a beaver, even if it’s name is Jacquizz.
It will be cold and arrogantly, the Beavers might try to summon the forest demons to give them a cold fog like that time back in the day when no one could see a damn thing. That was the only game I ever had to stop drinking during because I needed every ounce of vision power I had to know what was going on. The air was so white it was like Rick James was emptying his pockets out in space. It was totally ridiculous.
The good news for us is that Robert Woods’ parents were both eagles and there is a good chance he will not be affected by any bullshit Beaver weather or their hideous fallout shelter orange jerseys. My two keys to victory are playing guys short enough on defense to be able to find Jacquizz because he disappears like your broke friend when the bill comes (I wouldn’t know, all my friends helped me invent the invention, so we are all fat on residuals) and Matt Barkley pretending he is playing a team named “the Bears’, to whom he hath never lost (and never will).
Lane Fucking Kiffin also should bust out a white fur coat for this game to match a white fur visor. If you want these things coach, I will hook it up. OK. Let’s predict some Beaver…
BEAVERS: 11 (I don’t know how they score eleven, I just know they will be low scored Beavers and after the game, Matt Barkley renames the town Scorevallis)
TWO PT CONVERSIONS:
??? (it will be too foggy to have any idea what we are doing)
All right. Time to buck the trend of losing football games in Scorevallis to Beavers. Me? I’m gonna go back and count the amount of times I said Beaver and maybe trap a whale in the ocean and force it to give me it’s caviar. After all, I have dinner plans tonight and store-bought caviar is more 1991 than Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead.