Like most of you, I turned this game off about halfway through. Unlike most of you, I turned it off because I uncovered a plot by local bears to toilet paper my house and burn the OSU logo into my lawn with lime. I spent most of the second half teaching them a valuable lesson, which was that when you toilet paper my house you leave your paw with me. It was some cold blooded shit, but then again so is TPing somebody’s house during an ugly football game, especially when they know MTV Cribs is showing up in the morning to do a feature on helipad (it’s also a five star restaurant that’s invisible, you totally have never tried toasted brioche in duck fat with caviar until you’ve tried the invisible version).
In all honestly, I had serious concerns we might lose the arrogance battle in this game. The Beavers were taking advantage of some awful mistakes on our part and despite the statistics being even at the end of the half, we were getting pants-ed on national television. Then it totally hit me. By “it”, I mean a bear that had been playing dead in my front yard for almost two hours. Don’t worry, I knocked him out and put him in a cab to Newport Beach and told the driver he’d pay for it on credit card. Enjoy THAT when you wake up, bear.
After all of that, I realized what was going on. 2011 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley got hurt. Marc Tyler got hurt. Our play calling was arrogant even for Lane Fucking Kiffin. There was more to the game than met the eye. So I started calling my friends in the entertainment biz (which is code for mobile barista at the will of a boss with bad taste) and asking them if Lane Fucking Kiffin had been shopping any scripts. Sure enough, he was. I asked my friend to read me the log line for the film. It was:
A team of unlikely football players lead by a Hobbit named Jacquizz defeat a visiting football team coached by a former male model with a total arrogant visor in the feel-good sports-comedy film of the holiday season.
I asked my friend the title. “Scrappy Beavers”. Kiffin had done it. Pete Rose may have bet on games he coached. That kid in Blue Chips may have shaved points and drove the real life Nick Nolte to get hammered and drive the PCH looking like a cave troll (in fairness, that was pretty awesome). But Lane Fucking Kiffin pulled the greatest stunt of all. He threw a game to the Oregon State Beavers so that he could sell his screenplay at “Based on a True Story”, which is quite possibly the most arrogant thing ever achieved in the history of organized or disorganized sport (except for the time my wife tore her ACL in a kickball game and was mostly just made because she was having a really good game, almost like a hot blonde Kirk Gibson). The craziest part of the script? Kiffin threatened to pull the script from the studio when he found out Brad Pitt was attached to play him in the film and in turn demanded they re-animate John Wayne (who played football for USC) to take the part. The best part was Kiffin said I could play myself in the film. Nails.
Just in case the arrogance battle was at all in doubt, Lane Fucking Kiffin switched from his traditional explosively white visor to a black beanie he totally stole from Al Davis during one of the owner’s “senior moments”. I almost wanted to know if he had Tennessee orange long johns on. That was pretty arrogant.
Finally, sealing out 11-0 record in arrogance were the Beaver faithful, who rushed the field despite beating USC in Scorevallis like 4 of the last 5 times. I’d look it up, but I am also diffusing a bomb right now for the city of Beverly Hills and it’s kind of hard to search the web and type simultaneously on my BlackBerry.
So, we survived a scare, but we in fact did survive (which is more than I can say for our team in the football battle). It doesn’t matter. We don’t play Oregon State again until 2013 so their punishment is that no one will see them on national television until the world has ended (according to John Cusack in the 2010 Academy Award winning drama 2012). Have fun in Scorevallis. Facebook me so I don’t forget you exist in the post Jacquizz era.
Our focus now must shift 143% to Notre Dame, who we simply must beat in both the arrogance and football battles this week. Our sloppy play versus the Beavers probably has our opponents feeling like for the first time in about a decade that they could win. I will literally kill a bear every hour until they have to take the bear off the California state flag if we lose this game (realistically, I’m too arrogant to research all the local bear hot spots and I really don’t want to go north of Santa Barbara for any reason pretty much ever so I hope you understand).
Let’s get after that and wish 2011 Heisman Trophy winner Matt Barkley back to health.
Oh yeah, side note. Anyone know Teague Egan? That’s the guy who gave Dillon Baxter a golf cart ride (seriously) that was treated as an improper benefit. I’d love to interview this kid. His Arizona State-like “entertainment company” 1st Round Entertainment is who is being blamed for the golf cart ride. While I agree with Egan’s statements made to ESPN (or maybe the AP, I don’t know) that a golf cart ride doesn’t seem like benefits, it hurts your case when your website (which is hilarious, click here to check it out) has you saying that you “befriended many USC football players”. I mean, if you are going to go around campus and give athletes rides in the middle of sanctions, maybe take that line off the website. That said, it is pretty arrogant for him to have a company that is essentially a record label, talent agency, film studio, event planning house and philanthropy at once, so in that sense, I kind of tip my arrogant hat (which has the feather of a phoenix in it).
Anyway, I would love to interview this Trojan in front of Arrogant Nation just to give us all the sniff test. Unless he is trying to extend sanctions because he is having as much fun as I am right now, I think we need to get to the bottom of things.
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(so I know I am bringing the lumber)