Arrogantly, I decided to unveil (arrogant word) this week’s Arrogant Game Preview a day late, because Thanksgiving is a very busy day for all of us. For you, you are busy with family eating turkey. For me, I am busy doing extensive amounts of trade with China, who feel that Thanksgiving is a strategic advantage for them as America does not work that day. Ironically, bulk amounts of live turkeys are what I am trading to them because, even more ironically, they are attempting to learn how to celebrate their own version of Thanksgiving and I must capitalize because my personal life coach Michael Douglas informed us that “money never sleeps”. Neither does Arrogant Nation. Or bears.
So this is a huge week for us. Notre Dame comes to town. Our non-conference rivalry continues and USC will look to win a very arrogant 9th game in a row against the Fighting Irish, who are pretty arrogant in their own right. This rivalry only exists because the wife of a former Notre Dame coach wanted to go to California once a year. So while it was arrogant to schedule a game because a fat lady wanted to shop in Beverly Hills, it’s arrogant that Southern California has that kind of power over fat people from the midwest. Such is this storied rivalry.
This is the first matchup of Lane Fucking Kiffin and Brian Kelly, who has possibly the perfect name for a Notre Dame coach. Brian Kelly used to coach Cincinnati, so it was not a hard sell to bring him to an equally cold, equally filled with unattractive people city. Last time I went to Notre Dame, it was for the Bush Push game and while there was certainly some picturesque qualities to South Bend, one could not ignore the fact that everyone was pale and Chicago was the closest place that might have more than a novice selection of Russian caviar.
USC should be well prepared for the game having already faced an overweight coach with the last name Kelly. This one seems to be angrier at his players on a consistent level. I recall the media getting all over Kelly for screaming at now-injured and well-named for Notre Dame QB Dayne Crist for basically the entire game. I watched that game while getting hammered before dinner at my bachelor party and almost canceled the whole thing due to the amount of snot coming out of Kelly’s nose, which still haunts my dreams (even in my dream-proof hyperbaric chamber, it’s weird).
Another thing about Brian Kelly. He looks like the hybrid animal created from the DNA of William Shatner and a pre-turducken, post-P90X John Madden. Seriously, check it out:
With Crist out, the Domers turn to young Justin Bieber stunt double Tommy Rees to break the 8 game losing streak. While Rees is a scrappy young kid looking to make a name for himself in Notre Dame lore by attacking the challenges on the field, he is often stifled by Kelly’s frequent and often nonsensical breast examinations:
Really, the season boils down to the next two weeks. While I have found year one of sanctions to be hilarious, joyous and entertaining, I recognize some of you have felt frustrated at times with our inconsistency. Two more wins and we match Uncle Pete’s 2009 record and move on from there. The thing is, any great season can be measured by how you fared against your rivals. Notre Dame and then UCLA need to be dispatched arrogantly like filet mignon that is even slightly overcooked. By that, I mean you throw the plate of filet against a clean white wall, convince the chef to cut his own pinkie off in shame with a paring knife and then sleep with every female on the entire waiting staff until they rename the restaurant after you. That’s what we need to do to Notre Dame.
I know 2011 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley may not play this week. I know Mitch Mustain appears to have a slow release and a weaker arm (in fairness most demigods you read about in Greek mythology had weaker arms than 2011 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley). I know Mitch wears an old school football helmet with no cool aerodynamic holes and grooves in it. It looks like it fell out of the equipment shed at Calabasas High School in 1992. All this seems like a lot to overcome. Only it isn’t. It isn’t because I found a picture of Mitch with a mustache and it is spectacular. It grows in naturally like that of a French cheese critic, which is an excellent sign that he will tap into the arrogance needed to win this battle:
For those of you still nervous, let me remind you of what happened to me once at Notre Dame. After admiring a morning of picturesque boringness twinged with slight religious fanaticism, I listened to a man gush as the Irish went to chapel to pray before the game. In my Matt Leinart jersey I told him that in a few hours we’d find out if it worked.
It has long been my belief that whatever your vision of God is, he probably doesn’t watch football (and if he does, it’s just to avoid his other duties for a little bit like the rest of us). Notre Dame goes to a creepy place of not recognizing the separation of church and endzone. I support all religions, frankly I don’t care what you believe. I’m too arrogant to care what you think about most things, let alone touchy subjects like religion and politics. I prefer to talk bear fighting and sanctions.
That said, there is something disconcerting about listening to the Notre Dame student section singing Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer” and taking the meaning as religious, as opposed to taking it as the coked up gospel of a man who has lady hair and way to much pride for New Jersey. They are so emphatic. Once at the Coliseum in a rainy game, my father and I witness a woman who prayed the entire game (very audibly) and when Ty Willingham’s Irish were losing at the half, she told us (unprovoked) that she was going to call her priest and ask him to have Willingham removed immediately. I have always felt this was an outlier fan of Notre Dame, just like OJ is an outlier for us, but that said, it also haunts my dreams. I don’t think it is a higher power that has caused Notre Dame to drop 8 in a row to us. More likely, it’s that they aren’t good at football anymore.
During that 2005 Bush Push game when all appeared lost for us, a couple guys in front of me who probably worked in a factory or something told me that Notre Dame had Touchdown Jesus. Touchdown Jesus of course is the not-at-all-sacrilegious painting of Jesus throwing up the touchdown signal conveniently high enough that it can be seen from within the stadium. After Notre Dame rushed the field and then was sent off as there was more time on the clock, after Matt Leinart was arrogantly shoved into the endzone by he-who-shall-not-be-named, as the entire stadium went silent, I leaned over an tapped the man who bragged about Touchdown Jesus. Calmly, I told him that, “you might have Touchdown Jesus, but we have his Father”.
Needless to say, this pissed him off and I spent the next hour using all my clandestine training to sneak back to my car to drive to Chicago where there are things like nightclubs, ceviche and hot people.
All of that said Notre Dame has their own television network who broadcasts their games even though they are awful. That means we better be really arrogant if we plan to win the arrogance battle. I want to see a new visor from Lane Fucking Kiffin. I want to see Mitch wear an even bigger helmet. I want to see chaos. Hell, Song Girls you better make everyone from Indiana feel awful about their mating selections. We’ll need it all. Tell them Zack sent you.
ND 21 (one field goal blocked by an errant pigeon that ND fans claim is a sign)
TWO PT CONVERSIONS:
ZERO – after making ND game plan it, Kiff is too arrogant to let them see something so arrogant.
FINALLY, some housekeeping. The day after the UCLA game will be the FINAL DAY TO BUY this year’s t-shirts. We are shutting down our operation in time for bear hunting season. Don’t worry, we’ll be back open next year with a crazy amount of cool stuff, but some of our designs may go away, some may not. That part is uncertain. So if you want in and don’t want to buy knockoffs from Bruins that pose as members of Arrogant Nation, you better get down with us now at the links below. As for the blog, it will continue as it always has in the offseason with other arrogant content. Then in August, Arrogant Nation returns in force. Matt Barkley’s Heisman campaign will continue all winter, spring and summer…