I write to you from an undisclosed location where I am recovering from surgery and awaiting results. It’s been one of the longest weeks of my life (including the time I married the Bear King’s daughter in order to infiltrate their lair, learn their secrets and bring them down from the inside). I am heavily under the influence of pain medication so we may reach new levels of arrogance (or I may fall asleep at the keyboard, which is pretty arrogant too). I will explain to Arrogant Nation what’s been up when I know more next week, but rest assured, the only thing on my mind right now is how badly we plan to kick the shit out of UCLA.
For the arrogance battle, it’s over. We went 13-0. Congratulations Arrogant Nation. We did it. Why is it over before it began? Because UCLA is nerdy and no longer ranked higher than USC in academics, at least according to the U.S. News & World Report rankings, which they certainly used to hold above our heads when they were above us. What we are left with is a school that is nerdy and ranked lower than us. What is the point of being a nerd if you aren’t actually smarter? I don’t think I could explain the situation any more cogently than that.
Also, Rick Noohighsul (I don’t see any need to spell a coach who can’t win a game’s name correctly) has had plenty of time to start making moves. He has. To the cellar of the Pac-10. Here is a picture of him leading the Bruins into the toilet and looking really not attractive in the process:
USC has been handed out sanctions that are now completely pointless. With the NCAA basically telling the world that a parent is allowed to do whatever he wants (Rev. Cecil Newton) and the child is not held responsible, it leaves Arrogant Nation to wonder what exactly was different when it was Reggie’s parents? You know my vote. I don’t care. Until there is a playoff, until the NCAA is not in control of things, there will be no college football champion. Oregon and Auburn are playing for nothing but pride. It means nothing other than that two schools are going head to head.
That’s why our game Saturday is the motherfucking Super Bowl.
Even if we could win a title, it wouldn’t be a title. Even if we could go to a bowl, it’d be just another game. If we had one game to make a statement of who we are, of what Arrogant Nation is, what team would you want to play? UCLA. And where would you want to play that game? At the fucking Rose Bowl, their “home” stadium in which we have all the memorable history. Our band leader will walk to the fifty yard line and stab the big giant UCLA cursive logo (which is spanish for “bad at football”) and we will take it to their face like a big poisonous Diddy Riese Ice Cream Nerdwich.
I have had two weeks of personal hell. I am stranded without scotch or a bear to fight. I had to turn down a chance to speak to you all at Conquest tonight, something I hated having to do. I had to do it because I need to be at full-strength Saturday when the ultimate bear fight begins. I had to do it because I need to get back on my feet as soon as possible. All that said, there was no way I was letting you all down and not posting, even if I am medicated to the point that my hands appear to be two peach-colored tarantulas dancing on the keyboard. Let’s hope they know English.
2011 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley, I know you read this blog. If Kiffin tries to keep you out of the game, hit him in the face. Tell RoJo we have his back. Last week was an awful loss, but this week we are not losing to UCLA. It simply isn’t happening. We have won the arrogance battle, but this week we need to win on the field. This week we need to smack that group of cheerleaders dressed as athletes in the mouth. We need to get that towel-waving nerd they use to pump their fans up to flush his own head down the toilet. We need to remind them that the 8-clap is the single dorkiest thing anyone has ever done to celebrate anything. They actually make Cal fans look cool. It is so not sexy, the 8-clap is what teenage boys think about during their first time so they last longer.
Time out. Real quick, Rick. How big is it?
To further our arrogant success, our fans, even before the formalization of Arrogant Nation (you’re welcome), we have always lead the way by pranking the nerds. As recently as a few days ago we dumped red dye in 3 fountains at UCLA, the retaliation from UCLA being nothing, as usual.
Last year, we ripped open their tarmac, which was unguarded, and put our colors all over their statue. Check this out:
Of course, this is all we had to break through to do this:
That is why if you need an engineer, stick to Trojans. The copy on their tent is misleading also. Their entire football team hibernates in there too. Know the best way to protect your home statue? Check it out:
See, it’s really hard to paint through duct tape. Also, having guards shows you care. The Bruin response is always that they don’t care or
that they are a better school. I would just simply say you only care when things go your way, and in fairness, it’s been a while. I loved the LA Times article that pretty much admitted Noohicell had squandered his chance to capitalize on USC’s sanctions. When USC can’t go to a bowl and is still the only football team anyone in town cares about. The war is over. I don’t even know if UCLA wins anyone will really care. That said, we’re not letting it happen. I don’t care if I have to go out there myself, stitches and all.
Enough forplay, Bruins. Here is the word of the bearhunter:
UCLA -3 (fuck you)
TWO POINT CONVERSIONS:
N/A (every point against the Bruins counts for two)
T-shirt sales end Saturday at 11:59pm. A lot of you got in at the last minute. We got a few more days. We’ll be back with more next year, but who knows what. Good luck tonight at Conquest, enjoy, my deepest regrets I could not be there. Bring me home some bear meat. I’ll be better soon enough.
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(so I know I am bringing the lumber)