I write to you from a room wallpapered with bearskin in a charge made of antique caviar tins; the den I hibernate in the offseason. This will be my last Arrogant Game post for quite some time. We can discuss what is next at the end. For now, allow me to help you bask in the glow of another year of owning the good city of Los Angeles.
I must just come out and say it. We didn’t play well. For a while, my stomach began to turn in the thought that we might be so arrogant, we’d just play backups and lose (which wouldn’t be a guarantee as UCLA’s starters appear worse than our back ups). Arrogant Nation’s thirst for bear blood was satiated though upon realizing the UCLA is the worst team I have ever seen play any sport. This includes the Mighty Ducks from the beginning of every Mighty Ducks movie. This includes the Cleveland Indians from the beginning of every Major League movie (and that team they were in that ghetto ass third Major League before Cerano got the gig with 24 and Allstate. They are worse than Rudy in the beginning of Rudy. They are worse that Neo before he learns about the Matrix. They are worse than an undercooked souffle or an overcooked Chateaubriand. They are worse than a head cold that turns into pneumonia that goes undiagnosed and you still have to go to school. They are worse than a prude girlfriend in the latter stages of high school. They are worse than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. They are worse than last year’s Bruins, which I know is a crazy low blow.
The most arrogant trick the Kiffin ever pulled was running up the score on UCLA without calling good plays, executing the bad plays well or even looking like we were trying that hard. Admittedly we all got a little nervous when UCLA beat Texas this year. Now I know how bad Texas really was. Texas was so bad at football our basketball team ended up beating their basketball team as part of the seismic ripple effect.
Incredible kudos to my man 2011 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley who hung in there and went 4-0 against bears in his career so far (I include Cal). He was limited with mobility and tossed a few picks, but there was a reason. Kiffin came up to Matt and was like, “dude, throw one away”, and Matt was like, “no way, Kiff, this is the UCLA game” and Kiff’s like, “dude, it’ll hurt way worse if they think they can win” and Matt’s like “how do we know they’ll even catch it, our defense is outscoring them and they don’t even start with the ball” and then Kiffin’s like, “do this for me and I’ll buy you a Bentley” and Matt just socked him in the face, after which Kiffin teared up and legally filed to adopt Barkley just as a gesture. The only way to Kiffin’s heart is extreme arrogance. And probably extreme hotness considering Layla.
One of the highlights of this game for me was watching how Noohisill kept trying to cover up his bald spot with his headset. Check it out:
I have never seen a less arrogant way to wear a headset. It’s almost like he didn’t want to hear what his coordinators had to say. Maybe he was listening to smooth jazz. Maybe he just didn’t want to hear Norm Chow call bad plays anymore. Maybe their offense is named “The Pistol” because anyone who watches UCLA play wants to shoot themselves in the face.
I wake up everyday and thank the football gods I don’t have a head coach and program that gives “we’ll do better next year” speeches. It is so depressing I bet. Kiffin could go 0-13 and still be arrogant. The real reason USC football will always return to greatness, even when we’re down (and can you imagine how stoked UCLA would be to have an 8-5 “down” year) is because we believe we will return. We don’t apologize. We just kill bears and drag them behind our Bentleys through Westwood on our way back to the Hills. I wear a sweater vest when I do this. Want proof? Here’s me when I stopped by Trojan Vision to talk a little sports. In a sweater vest/blazer/tie/jeans/chucktaylors configuration, which much like the city grid of Washington D.C., was designed to intimidate foreign dignitaries:
What am I staring at on the ground? My bearskin rug. I bring it everywhere. It comes in travel size.
I am not even getting into the stabbings in the the parking lot. I don’t tolerate that behavior and I know it wasn’t USC students (because we have to have clean records to run companies or be professional art thieves like Pierce Brosnan in that movie where Rene Russo shows the world her boobs) and I know it wasn’t UCLA students (because no one who eats ice cream sandwiches for kicks stabs people).
I’d rather focus on how bad UCLA was on the field than how bad the situation was outside the stadium. Just hoping it puts in perspective for UCLA fans that Westwood and Pasadena aren’t any less prone to violence than Downtown and at least when Laker fans riot it looks cool on TV.
Right now, Bruin fans are preparing to start taunting both academics and basketball. Unfortunately, last year, USC jumped UCLA in both of those things as well (arrogantly even though we were sanctioned). This year, they are off to a killer start at 3-4. While we are 5-4, at least we go to a better school, both at school and football and currently basketball. I encourage Bruin fans (those that admit they are in fact Bruin fans) to be proud and own a deep belief that your basketball team may someday return to greatness, just as we feel with football (although you guys are REALLY shitting the proverbial basketball bed right now). I say this because I work with a lot of you Bruins and you are so listless and boring these days. I need a little fire from you. Hunting bears is like sex. No one has fun when one of the parties just lays there. That’s kind of what last Saturday was like at the Rose Bowl…
A bear just laying there with a head coach who doesn’t know how to win or wear a headset.
Real quick, check out the minion in the bottom left. That is not a look of disgust at USC. There’s a guy wondering if he could steal an extra white track jacket and visor and hang with Kiffin. Or maybe he’s Coach O’s bastard child spying on the Bruins, but totally bored because he realized there’s nothing to spy on. The “Pistol” has never been loaded. I am starting to think Norm Chow still works for our Athletic Department.
So. 2010 is in the books. What does it mean? A lot.
We went undefeated in arrogance. The formation of Arrogant Nation ensured that sanctions were a blessing and not a curse. We rallied together behind the pure joy of being a Trojan and beating the enemy, and when a win on the field was not possible, we reveled in a win in arrogance, because as I like to say, “our shit is the shit”. 13-0 assholes. Scoreboard.
We sold hundreds and hundreds of shirts and our message made it onto ESPN and FSN. I got married. I got a serious health scare. I kicked it’s ass (the disease, not my wife). We started a campaign for 2011 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley, which is the next thing I am going to work on with all of you. We won 8 more glorious games. We could have easily won 3 more of them.
While 11-2 would have been sweeter, the point of Arrogant Nation is that there is no better feeling than having a cold beer in your hand on Trousdale and a half-dead bear’s face in the other as you sear it on a portable propane barbeque. There is no better feeling than kicking the flagpole and marching to the stadium knowing you love your team no matter what bullshit gets thrown your way.
Remember the five qualities every Trojan should embody. They should be faithful, scholarly, skillful, courageous, and ambitious. Fuckin’ check, check, check, check and check. That goes for all of you. And guess what, I am adding a sixth. We should be arrogant. And we are.
So, what’s next here on Lost Angeles?
Next August, I will resume my normal Arrogant Nation coverage as I just signed myself to a one-year deal with myself, so at least for another season, Lost Angeles will go totally Trojan from August until January.
In addition to the normal coverage, there will be new t-shirts (sorry, sales are closed and over the next two weeks all outstanding orders will be fulfilled so you can all look sexy on Christmas). There will be contests, giveaways, challenges. If you thought this year was arrogant, you need to start doing some arrogant stretching. 2011 is going to freak out the L.A. Basin.
In my custom of covering an awful reality television show for my wife and her friends, I will cover The Bachelor this January on ABC once I return from my honeymoon on an undisclosed island.
Coverage will entail a weekly recap the morning after the show. I must really recommend my Arrogant Nation followers read these posts as really, it’s as arrogant as everything else I do. If it’s not your thing, that’s cool also. Between covering USC and that stupid show, I have the best looking female followers of any blog on the planet, which is totally arrogant of me.
Also, tip for my Bro Montanas out there. If you read these posts and regurgitate lines from it to the hot account executive at your office, there’s a good chance she will invite you over, and being arrogant, you will get a positive result. I will, however own the naming rights to your first born son. Zack, Lane, Matt or Bearhunter are all acceptable.
I will be doing some light Dodger coverage both here and on my other home of LAist.com, which I have neglected for too long. Jimmy Bramlett, their sports editor, has not gotten rid of me yet. I am a season ticket holder for the Blue Crew, so whatever the hell happens to them this year, I’ll be there. Let’s have a drink at a game sometime.
I am going to do more of my old school weekend recaps so you can stay up on my arrogance. Please let me know what kind of arrogant shit you are doing. Just because it’s the offseason don’t mean we stop being Arrogant Nation. Also, save up 20-30 dollars for next season. There will be a MANDATORY shirt purchase. You won’t regret it.
Anyway, I am off for now. Tomorrow I’ll tell you more about what happened to me, but for today, I feel great to be alive and arrogant. Thank you all for this season, we’re just getting started.
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(so I know I am bringing the lumber)