Ask a Bearfighter.

We have a little downtime between our Sanctions Hearing and the beginning of new planned activities for Matt Barkley’s Heisman campaign.  We shipped out 97% of the t-shirts today, so that is pretty much done until next year (when we release new designs).  Frankly, I have a holiday party for my office tonight in Hollywood and I am looking for ways to hang with Arrogant Nation.  Sure, in a few weeks I will write recaps of The Bachelor, but that is not a time intensive experience.  I have some stuff planned for the Lakers and Dodgers later on (I will suggest one person a week who would be a better owner than the McCourts who are so garbage sale this offseason I feel like I am following ill-placed signs around a run down suburb).

So, what shall we do Arrogant Nation in our offseason?  I think I figured it out.  I am going to open up the blog for questions.  Think of it as an advice hotline only the advice usually will lead you to a river of scotch filled with boats made of giant bear skulls.  I am going to solve all your problems for the entertainment of others.  I am not a licensed or unlicensed psychotherapist, but you aren’t paying me for advice so I think we’re legally covered.  Even if I am not, I have a really awesome move to defend against lawsuits.  It’s called the Conejo Valley Headbutt.  It’s a headbutt from someone who is from the Conejo Valley.  It comes in five flavors, each one an animal.

Why am I qualified to solve all your life problems?  While I have survived cancer twice and formed Arrogant Nation, I don’t think they factor it in.  I am qualified to solve your problems because I don’t really believe in problems.  They are like ghosts and unicorns.  And ghost unicorns.  And sanctions.  Fictitious.

So, email the blog and ask your questions and title the email ASK A BEARFIGHTER.  If you have something good, I’ll post it and show you the light at the end of the tunnel.  That light is Rick Noohighsul’s Ford Fiesta and it’s glowing because I lit it on fire.  Like a Bruin, he did absolutely nothing to stop me.

Want an example of what I am looking for from you (and don’t be embarrassed, you are bearfighters)?  Here’s a letter I got from my boy Cam Newton and posted without his permission.


So I have this friend.  He’s pretty good at football science.  Anyway, when he was in high school someone offered him a lot of seashells to come do science in Florida.  He really loves seashells, but his father loves seashells more.  Like, so much.

He took the seashells and then got caught cheating on his classes.  It was only three times and my friend thought everyone was making a big deal about it.  Anyway, the head science professor tried to quite because of health problems (something to do with those seashells) and then my friend had to peace out.  Anyway, later he wanted to try being a scientist again and this school in Mississippi offered him some seashells to come do science there.  He really wanted to go there, but a school in Alabama was offering way more seashells and they were totally better at science.  In fact, Bo Jackson, one of the most famous scientists ever went there.  Most importantly, my friend’s dad demanded he go to the Alabama school because they had too many seashells to ignore.  You can make a lot of necklaces with that many seashells.

Anyway, my friend did a little too well at science and now everyone is accusing him of taking seashells.  What should my friend do?

And here is my response…


Stop being a bitch.  We all know you are your friend.  Did you have your friend ask your date for you to the prom?  Does your mother do your recruiting for you?  Oh wait, your dad does.

Cam, I think the best thing you could do for yourself, your team and the United States of America would be to throw seven interceptions at the BCS “title” game.  In your post-game interview, where you can do that really awesome “I’m guilty” smile (believe me, we know that smile from Reggie Bush) you just tell the media you aren’t upset.  They’ll ask why and you will say that you purposely threw 7 picks.  They will ask why and you will say you too the 200K Florida gave you, the 100K Urban Meyer gave you to not mention him paying you (should have paid me, Urban), the 100K you took from Mississippi State they couldn’t ask for back because they weren’t allowed to pay you in the first place, the 200K you got from Auburn and then the 500K the SEC paid you to keep denying you took money and bet the whole 1.1 million in Vegas on you throwing a ridiculously unlikely 7 interceptions.

Then, when the NFL bans you from playing, you can take the 200 million you will have made on that bet (giving 10 mill to Gene Chizik for keeping you in the game long enough to throw seven picks) and buy stock in the new NFL team coming to Los Angeles.  Then at owners meetings, you can just leave your headphones on and listen to Sinatra and order 20K worth of sushi to the conference room served on models.

That’s my opinion on how to be arrogant about the situation.  If you keep going down this course, you will just look like an asshole.  At least look like a cool asshole.  That’s always been my plan.

Get it?  Hook me up Arrogant Nation.  Anyway, was that email real or did I write it subconsciously in a dream and email it to myself?  By California state law my dreams are all catalogued and made into laws.  So, same difference.




Filed under Rants and Musings

3 responses to “Ask a Bearfighter.

  1. Pingback: Friday morning buffet | Get The Picture

  2. Pingback: Tweets that mention Ask a Bearfighter. | Lost Angeles --

  3. Katie

    2 thumbs-up for the Conejo Valley Headbutt!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s