Ask a Bearfighter: Dating a Bruin

It is now 2011.  That means we have a little under two years before the prophecies set forth in Roland Emmerich’s “2012” become true, which means if you are not John Cusack or someone currently fathered by or having sex with John Cusack, you are dead.  That is why it more important than ever that I solve your problems now, because time is precious.  Just ask Woody Harrelson (of 2012 fame).

So today’s question comes from a USC girl (who is probably hot) who has fallen for a Bruin apparently.  I will answer this query under the assumption that this relationship survived winter break, which may not be a guarantee with a Bruin, but I am choosing to start 2011 off on a positive note, mostly because Matt Barkley is less than a year from winning the Heisman.  Let’s solves some fucking problems.


My propensity to whiskey had me read her comment about being able to vote as being able to drink.  This is clearly about Ohio State (although NooHighSul wears a nerdy sweater vest too).  That said, I think it is completely safe to say my advice works for Buckeyes too, only I should have used smaller words given their academic ability.  Also, even if unintentional, it was pretty arrogant just to talk shit about UCLA anyway, not unlike how our glorious marching band plays UCLA SUCKS no matter who we play.  Side note, when do I get to run on the field with the band?

Dear Zack,

I’m seeing a guy who is great, we get along really well and see eye-to-eye on most things.  The problem is that it’s a mixed-relationship.  By mixed, of course, I mean he’s not a member of Arrogant Nation.  I won’t be too specific, but let’s just say he supports a school that 2011 Heisman Trophy Winner Matt Barkley destroyed a week after becoming old enough to vote.  I worry that a relationship may be impossible because such mixed marriages are too confusing to children….imagine if my child thinks a sweater-vest is a viable fashion choice.  Is it even worth trying to make things work or are the differences irreconcilable?

-A Conflicted Trojan

Hi Conflicted,

Let me be honest first before I attempt to help.  The only time a Bruin and Trojan naturally make sense is when you date both of them at the same time in some sort of Big Love-slash-Hugh Hefner-slash-that scene in Mrs. Doubtfire where he keeps changing costumes and eventually saves Pierce Brosnon from a really spicy shrimp-hybrd dating scenario.  Basically, in my case, it’d be dating these two people at the same exact time:

In truth, Bruins are a natural component of the Los Angeles environment.  If you are to continue dating this one, you will just need to prepare yourself for some of the things you will have to do that traditionally your partner might do.  Remember, in any relationship there will be compromise and no one is perfect (although I am really freakishly close, I can’t even give blood without the needle exploding).

Your Bruin may be able to support you (assuming he is a scientist, doctor or lawyer), but know in advance he will require you to do things around the house like “kill spiders” and “check to see if the sink is clogged” and “plunge the toilet”.  Also, do not be surprised if you hear a noise in the middle of the night and he hands you the crowbar you keep under the bed and gives you a sheepish smile asking if you could “check it out because he thinks he heard something”.

Additionally, ground rules will need to be set immediately regarding your possible children.  They are baby Trojans.  If he could choose to go to UCLA, it shouldn’t be hard for him to give his kids a better life.  Sweater vests, to answer your question, are only acceptable on you on Halloween when you dress up as a sexy nerd.  Put a visor on your boyfriend and make him look in the mirror.  Tell him that’s what a man looks like then push him down the stairs.  If he gets up and loves you for it, he can party with me anytime.  If not, at least he is closer to the front door.

That said, far be it from me to stand in the way of love.  The fact is, he is really lucky to have you.  He is clearly overachieving.  Since that is the case, he better provide for you.  Make him kill a bear as a pledge of allegiance to you.  Teach him to drink whiskey.  If he is worth it, you are making the world a better place.

Above all, the good news is you will rarely need to take shit in your home from losing a rivalry game.  So that’s good.



Filed under Rants and Musings

12 responses to “Ask a Bearfighter: Dating a Bruin

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Ask a Bearfighter: Dating a Bruin | Lost Angeles --

  2. While this is hilarious and all of your advice still applies to dating a bruin, she is talking about dating a Buckeye.

  3. kg23

    nice… So how confused is our relationship? (If at all)… Im currently a UCLA student (nicely worded ;)) That chose UCLA over USC because i got a full ride to UCLA (and am unable to afford USC). My fav school is USC. Its my dream school, and im hoping to get in for grad school (which I just applied to). I simply had to make the best financial decision (not the best BEST decision) for myself considering im a kid from the projects.

    Anyway. I still root hard here for the Trojans (much to my fraternity bro’s delight). And my girlfriend is a Trojan in grad school..booyah!

    Confusing? Lets hope we are on the same page by next fall

    • Zack

      the good news is it was totally arrogant to just go to our rival because it was less expensive, steal their knowledge with no intention of contributing to their society. I am proud of you and will not reveal your identity to any bruins, of course, if i did what would they do anyway?

      • ldytrjn

        “I am proud of you and will not reveal your identity to any bruins, of course, if i did what would they do anyway?”

        Just look at you and blink as they try to comprehend the words you used that had more than 2 syllables?

  4. Trojan Bandsmen

    Zack, if you want to be on the field with the band, you just let me know. I will arrogantly get you there.

  5. ldytrjn

    Speaking of the band, a contingent of alums make up the Laker Band which is awesome because now Frankenstein STILL has to sit through repeated playings of Tusk (aka “ucla Sucks”). Sweet delicious arrogance.

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