Due to the sexual nature of Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck and coach Jim Harbaugh, it was conceivable that when Luck announced he was staying at the Farm, so would his gentleman lover. Only when Harbaugh did not use the spotlight following the Orange Bowl to recruit for Stanford (by saying YES I am coming to the Farm, it’s so awesome there, our girls are… smart…), it became obvious that he was going to the NFL.
I think deep down Luck believed he was just too enticing for his coach to leave. The shock must have been palpable for him to find out that not only was his coach leaving, but he’d be sleeping alone again. This was a crazy depressing thought because for those of you who do not know, Andrew Luck is super weird looking:
Andrew Luck is a talent, to be sure, but many of my readers seemed to think Luck’s return meant 2011 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley would have some serious competition in his quest to be ultimate bear killer of the college football ranks. This is not true. Stanford is going to be such a dumpster fire next year that homeless people from all across the Bay Area are already heading to Palo Alto in hopes of using the burning mess as a means of surviving the winter.
Jim Harbaugh was the real deal. This guy was MY CHOICE to replace Uncle Pete (that was before Kiffin got rumored and he took me to Vegas and he literally give the maitre’d at Sushi Samba eight grand to follow us all night with a sushi chef. It was fucking crazy because everywhere we went, no matter how drunk we got, a Japanese guy would pop out of nowhere with a plate full of nigiri and Kiffin sometimes just slapped the plate into the air. It was so hardcore, he had me at Maki Roll). Realize what Harbaugh did at Stanford.
The dude coached at my wife’s alma mater USD and basically turned them into D1-AA monsters before taking the gig at Stanford. Stanford always sucks at football because they actually require you to be smart to get in. This usually is not the recipe for a winning program. Frankly, I usually think being good at sports is the requirement we’re looking for when fielding a football team.
All that said, Harbaugh somehow was able to psych these nerds up into overachieving. The reason they rush the field when they beat us (and I said this at the time) is that they know this is a blip on the radar. Harbaugh literally was given a lemon and he made it into Chateaubriand. I have news for any Stanford fan who thought this year was the start of something good. It’s not. It’s over. Get back in the toilet bowl squarely under the rest of our asses. You had an amazing coach who got you to overachieve. That’s over. Even worse, they all know it.
Believe me, Andrew Luck will air it out, but Stanford is about to sink back to the middle, then back to the bottom. By the time we are used to there being 12 teams in the Pac, we’ll have already forgotten about Stanford’s big bowl season. Kind of like we did with the Ryan Leaf WSU Cougars. Some places, college football is not sustainable. I am not one to say USC will win the most games next year (we’ll be the most arrogant team either way so I’m good), but I can promise you who won’t be winning the most games… You heard me disfigured and mentally unstable tree.
When I razzed Stanford fans for rushing the field when they beat us at home (we were big underdogs), I got a lot of Stanford hate mail that was too nerdy to waste your arrogant time on. This time around, I’ll say up front I am not going to respond. The best way at this juncture to defeat Stanford is simply to wait about two seasons until their back in their place. Enjoy the ride, don’t get tangled in the toilet paper.
A little more credit to Harbaugh, real quick. He was the only coach I ever witnessed totally headfuck Uncle Pete. It was arrogant.
He never lost to Pete. He took two of three from Pete. Who else beat him up like that besides Snyder’s KSU Wildcats? We must respect this man for now going to Pete’s division to give him MORE hell. I have to be honest, Harbaugh definitely knows how to kill a bear. He turned a bunch of losers into an Orange Bowl winner. He made a weird looking quarterback feel beautiful (that’s my tagline on the Luck/Harbaugh romantic comedy movie poster). Plus, if Kiffin peaces and SF doesn’t work out, this dude can come to SC anytime. editor’s note: at the moment I wrote that sentence, the sushi chef from Sushi Samba popped up with a philly roll and some gari. Kiffin is amazing
So, Andrew… I am coming for you. I am going to do everything in my power to thwart your Heisman campaign. I know you are scared. Right now, your coach is on the phone with a different quarterback telling him how great he is. And you are in Palo Alto.
Hey bro, if you like it shoulda put a ring on it. Now here’s a picture of you.