You knew it was coming. At some point in every Bachelor season the producers have to bring in the one item in the world that guarantees sex. They need to bring in the one thing guaranteed to make woman (and men) say things like “Oh my God!” and “This is so cool” while providing visuals worthy of voice overs like “Being up here, I can see myself spending the rest of my life with this woman” and “Being up here, I am ready to take that journey”.
I’m talking about fucking helicopters people. After not seeing one for three weeks, the producers gave us the ultimate money shot with two helicopters in one episode. That is literally one helicopter per hour. While I have never known a quality girl be won over by a helicopter ride, I do know that the combination of alcohol and helicopters equals falling in love. So ladies, if a guy you are on the fence about picks you up in a helicopter and you are not currently fighting in a war, you should probably really consider whether or not you want to get pregnant. It’s just science, Bachelor style.
Trust Fund took Chantel out on the first date. I kind of dig this girl, but she is confusing in the sense that she cannot consistently look good. You get the sense that Emily will never allow herself not to be perfect, while Chantel has the power to magically frizz her hair, gain ten pounds and change into poverty clothes the moment she finds out water is involved on a date. That said, I do dig her. I think she is a real contender.
You know what is the opposite of a helicopter? The deep sea dive date Trust Fund took her on. Besides wearing the most awkward helmet I have ever seen (I felt like I was watching Ed Harris in The Abyss), the water was murky and disgusting. I was 90% sure they were scuba diving in a toilet in a public restroom at Wrigley Field in the 1920’s. Nothing helps you “find love” like a toilet bowl and there is no journey more breathtaking than swimming in it.
Meanwhile back at the cathouse, Future Sex Tape got a black eye for no apparent reason. She either punched herself in the face or hasn’t mastered the concept of the sliding glass door. What’s worse about Future Sex Tape is how she will repeat the same thing over and over and over again. Whether it’s her birthday or the fact that she got magically smacked in the face with a tack hammer, she will let you know about it, then make a hand motion to describe it. Fireworks. Cue the awkward hand explosions. Watching her and Emily talk was amazing. Emily is like, I hate you, but I will never say any of that to anyone. Future Sex Tape is like “I can’t tell if I want to make out with her or kill her in her sleep”. Toss up.
The group date was almost unwatchable as they brought the horde of bachelorettes to meet Dr. Drew, who said absolutely nothing the entire time. It looked like one of those career moments where he realized his life was not important and that some day, the poor bastard would die a statistic, another man with a doctorate teaching people how not to ruin their lives and then watching them do it anyway. Drag.
What was more disturbing though was that Brad just cannot get enough of therapy. He is really making the fucking Fighter Pilot seem interesting. Brad, crush someone already. Kim Kardashian is famous for having sex with a guy that no one can name a song by. No one cares what you did last time on the Bachelor. Be a dick. We’re with you now, dude. Let’s go.
The only part of the group date I feel worth mentioning is what Fucked Up Carrie Underwood was getting into. I’m going to change her name to Scary Underwood. Boom. Done. How she survived this episode baffles me, although my strategic mind suggests the producers are like “are you really going to get with Gingerpants, Bartender or Beat Up Lauren Graham?” and Trust Fund is like “come to me” they are like “stop, that’s creepy, just tell me if any of them are candidates” and he’s like “will America hate me if I say no?” and they are like “keep Scary Underwood for one more week and let us break her for the amusement of society”. It’s all very Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator.
Brit finally spoke up and now is dubbed Pommel Horse, because she wears make up and jewelery like one of the US Olympic Team’s gymnasts. She paints on make up that can be seen by East German judges far, far away. She wears heart earrings. She is going for the gold. I liked her as a person, just maybe dial down the My Little Pony quotient.
Future Sex Tape’s group date was another “let’s slide down a building” date. I don’t care. The formula is to just scare two people and let the adrenaline turn to sex. Michelle is crazy effective with Trust Fund, because when she is with him, she doesn’t act crazy. She acts like that crazy girlfriend you had, which is a lesser degree of crazy. She got in a bathing suit, Brad dug it, that’s all.
Chris Harrison finally bothered to show up for the rose ceremony. I feel like he’s drunk this year and they can’t get him camera ready. The part worth mentioning during this portion was the sick head game the producers made by having Brad take Emily outside for a “planned” 2 minute picnic. This literally was just to scare the shit out of every girl in the room because they are all totally afraid of Emily. I liked that move. Only the strong survive. Or the ones dumb enough to just go with the flow (Vienna Sausage).
We’re trimming the fat now. Soon, these recaps will pop because they will start to travel and we’ll really get to know exactly what brand of maniacs we’re dealing with. Deep down, I am waiting for Emily to snap. She’s too good to be true. Future Sex Tape will try to capitalize, then Chanel O kills her in the broom closet with the candlestick. Shawntell will be there to embalm her.