Bachelor Recap: Week Five

This week we finally hit the road, leaving the friendly confines of Snow White’s whorehouse (which I am pretty sure is in my hometown).  In a show about “taking a journey to find love”, no trip could better embody said mission than a 40 minute plane journey to find love in a city more known for sexually transmitted diseases.  That’s right, the girls are chasing the Trust Fund to Las Vegas, the only city in the world where a hammered gaggle of insecure women chasing a man with a giant cross tattooed on his back will completely blend in with their surroundings.

There was an ambiguous white dude who came out to welcome Trust Fund to the Aria hotel and said he was honored to have him there.  Really?  This guy must be honored every time his toilet successfully flushes.  Another thing, the Aria always looks like a ghost town.  Even when you are in Vegas.  It’s like partying in an office building after hours, which is still cool, as you know if you have every worked with me, but not exactly what I look for in Vegas.  What do I look for in Vegas?  Obviously a night at the Excalibur rooting on the Green Knight and spending my hard earned money on a rotisserie chicken I have to eat with my hands.  I feel like if you build a hotel that looks like a city, pyramid, or castle you are pretty much feeling like an asshole right now.

Anyway, the first date was with the Undertaker, who I can never fully commit to thinking is attractive just because I know if we hooked up she would know the eight places on my body where a quick incision would totally drain me of my essential fluids.  She could turn me into a popped water balloon anytime she wanted and can you really sleep next to a person like that?  She looked very nice after they gave her literally thousands of dollars worth of clothes, but somewhere under all that Prada was the knowledge of how long a dead human takes before it starts to smell rotten.  Who’s up for dinner?

They ate on the roof where Undertaker told Brad all about her job and did so in a really creepy way.  She also was so hammered that she ate the food with her hands, which was really hard to deal with during the whole embalming speech.  Like, there is a definite way to say that you stuff humans for a living that makes it seems like it is just a job.  She failed at that task.  I just keep having this vision of getting out of the shower and she is checking me out and thinking about how long it’d take her to embalm me.  Like if I came in at 5pm, would she be able to catch the 6:15 showing of “Black Swan” by herself during which she smuggles in an Icee and a hot dog on a stick.  Anyway, she got the rose out of pure fear and a hotness I don’t like admitting.

Group date was a trip to a NASCAR track which proves that the producers of the show are the biggest assholes on earth and will all suffer awful divorces in which their former spouses will take everything and then one day they will be begging to clean the star trailers for whatever the 2029 equivalent of Jersey Shore is.  HOW ON EARTH DO YOU MAKE EMILY GO TO A RACE TRACK?  Seriously, I don’t even care about this girl, but the producers are the biggest dickheads on the planet.  Don’t tell me there wasn’t another dangerous activity in Vegas.  It’d have been less messed up to make her strip at Sapphire.  Seriously.  I mean it’s Vegas.  They have helicopter tours there.  How did that not happen?  So confusing.

The rest of the girls tripped balls the whole time because Emily got all the attention.  Did any of them turn their anger to the producers?  No, they just kept drinking and putting on more blush, which is this season’s equivalent of the hot neon highlighter outfit.  The girls on this show literally get a can of hot pink Krylon and spray their face down.

Future Sex Tape was totally annoying on her time out with Trust Fund.  It’s so weird to me her game works on anyone.  Speaking of which, it worked on Carlos Boozer as we heard this week all over the news, which is funny because it is only a matter of time before the sex tape comes up, thus confirming I am either psychic or some people just seem like the kind of people who think making homemade sex tapes is a good idea.

Later on, there was the one on one elimination date between Scary Underwood and the other Ashley.  It was clear other Ashley didn’t have her A-Game and Scary Underwood had eaten enough Zanax to really pull it together.  Then they all went to see the Elvis Cirque Du Soleil show and even act in it.  I found it frightening the outfit they put on Trust Fund.  The fact that THAT is the French interpretation of a military uniform is the exact reason they have a hard time with things like “wars” and “accepting the quality of California wine”.   What the hell was going on there?

Either way, Trust Fund got harsh with Ashley when he cut her.  He was basically like, “while I like you as a person, I do not like you as a wife and could never see myself not rooting for death if married to you” after which she proceeded to cry and make all of us feel like shit for ten minutes.  Ladies, hook me up.  Do you all have friends that literally believe they are doomed to walk the earth alone like the Incredible Hulk?  Are they hot?  If so, as I told my wife, the new strategy for men should be wandering bars in the south saying “I think you are the best girl in the room and I am tired of you not being first”.  I’m pretty sure that will up the pregnancy rate rising.

The Gymnast was in full Beijing balance beams mode in her hot pink 1993 prom dress and her extra Krylon blush, but she managed to make her way through.  Good for her.  She seems like a nice person.  A nice person who can probably do triple axles off a pommel horse.

Future Sex Tape took Brad in a room and did some weird DON’T TALK JUST WATCH ME SIT ON YOU AND BLOW ALCOHOL BREATH IN YOUR FACE IN BETWEEN AWKWARD KISSES THAT TASTE OF CHEAP CHARDONNAY.  And she moved on, because we all know she is being kept around for Tahiti for physical purposes.  There’s my prediction, final three, just for the Fantasy Suite.

They got rid of Underage Frizzy Hair who probably is better off getting out of there and returning to her sorority to meet a human the normal way, drunk at a bar you will regret attending in five years.  Sports Girl tried a last ditch note which flopped hard, despite looking a lot like Princess Jasmine.

Mainly, I know now the show is about to improve because we only have so many contestants left.  It’s going to get much, much better (or worse, same thing).

7 Comments

Filed under Rants and Musings

7 responses to “Bachelor Recap: Week Five

  1. Tiffany JQ

    Nice Zack! I started watching this show at the prompting of my bf and so I can laugh along knowingly with your blogs.

    Speaking of production for this episode, what was up with the ten-minute farewell to Ashley, with scenes spliced between the longest walk ever to the limo, tragic confessional interview, and the bachelor and scary underwood twirling around in the air, all scored to “Are you Lonesome Tonight”?? That was even more heavy-handed than the racetrack move.

    And delusion runs wild with those women if they really think that it’s Emily’s “story” that is causing the Bachelor to pull her away for repeated one-on-one time. Really? Have they seen her? She’s not only hot, she’s NORMAL and classy. She’s the only chick who doesn’t make me want to curl up into a ball and renounce my sex when she opens her mouth.

  2. Ashley

    Cirque de Soleil isn’t French, it’s Canadian. Don’t you remember the Opening Ceremonies of the Vancouver Olympics? Pure Canadian glory right there.

  3. Katie

    Michelle doesn’t make it to the final 3, close enough, but no cigar. And yes, the Bachelor House and snow white’s whorehouse are both off of Kanan Rd. Not too far down Kanan at that.

    Love reading your recap and analysis of the show more than I do watching it.

  4. Jeremy

    HOW ON EARTH DO YOU MAKE EMILY GO TO A RACE TRACK?
    For one reason DRAMA it make good tv footage

    P.S. Cirque du soleil is a Québec (CANADA) compagny And yes we do speek french in Québec. Performer at the cirque come from all over the world… only the best.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s