Ask a Bearfighter: Finding a Mate as Arrogant as You

This most recent Ask a Bearfighter comes from a woman who definitely must be attractive (because she reads this blog).  She is having a problem with her love life.  Read here story while I make some bear tartar (a natural aphrodisiac) and maybe light a candle or two for my response:

I’m an proud member of Arrogant Nation, I have an awesome job, I’m actively involved in an alumni group, and I enjoy the much finer things in life.  My question for you is, where can I meet someone just as arrogant as me?  My friends keep trying to set me up, but each set up ends the same way – my friends getting frustrated with me when I say “thanks for thinking of me, but I’m way too good for that guy” (they didn’t go to USC so they don’t understand my need for someone who can keep up with my champagne-sipping, and jetting-setting way of life).  What are your thoughts?  Am I wrong in setting such a “high bar” according to my friends?  Where are all the other arrogant singles in this city?

A Trojan Who Doesn’t Want to Settle

You should never ever settle.  I think Uncle Pete said it best with “Always Compete” and “Win Forever”.  While you are not wrong to set such high standards, I do want to point out that there are many ways to be arrogant.  While I am known to enjoy a caviar sandwich on my bearskin rug, I am also known to attend dive bars and put upbeat 80s music on the jukebox just to make the lonely drinkers get lonelier.  The reality is, arrogance comes in many forms.  Anyone can have money, not anyone knows how to be arrogant.  For instance, I just saw a house the other day that had two lions out in front of it.  Giant marble lions guarding the door.  I don’t know what’s more arrogant than that besides having giant marble people in their mouths.

While you should completely keep a high bar, I would take great caution not to forget to open your eyes to the arrogance around you.  While I was always totally arrogant, I was not always the founder of Arrogant Nation.  How lucky for me that my wife could see that my habit of chasing bears on camping trips and drinking Jack from the bottle would turn into becoming the leader of a movement, a seasoned libations imbiber and a federally celebrated bear killer.  My point is, there is nothing more arrogant than finding the arrogance in another.  Perhaps it needs a kickstart.  Perhaps it’s a Beautiful Mind situation where the dude is so arrogant no one else even knows what the fuck he is talking about.  That concept is so arrogant I can’t believe I wrote it.

Speaking of which, I had a dream recently that I was doing some serious training in the mountains and I actually taught myself how to perceive the tastes of food differently.  Like, I could eat anything and it still tasted like a porterhouse au poivre.  That was an arrogant dream.

I think the real issue is your friends arrogantly refusing to refer you to someone that makes sense for you.  I’d sit them all down, teach them to drink bourbon and basically explain exactly what you want and maybe offer a reward for the winner (Marc Jacobs handbags filled with bear meat, just a suggestion).  Another good strategy is learning to smoke cigars and then getting in arguments with men at cigar lounges about sports.  I feel like that just has to work.  I recommend the V Cut on Melrose, not because they have the best looking guys, but just that I might be there to see it.  It’s a hell of a place to waste two hours.



Filed under Rants and Musings

7 responses to “Ask a Bearfighter: Finding a Mate as Arrogant as You

  1. I’d suggest myself as a possibility for this girl, but I’m too good for her.

  2. Josh M

    Tell her to call me.

  3. Rick

    I have the same problem. Thanks for the suggestions.

  4. Marsella

    Sorry Zack but looking hot & arguing with men about football doesn’t work. It starts off with fun & flirting but in the end someone always gets hurt. And it’s not me. Perhaps this is because I argue about football with non-Trojans but seriously, what would I have to argue about with a fellow Arrogant National? Appreciate your advice though.

  5. ldytrjn

    It’s very good advice. The only problem about arguing with dudes about football is that most don’t respond well to you dominating them. And by “only a problem” I mean “only a problem to them”. I simply leave them to their delusions (or huddled in a ball, whatever) and order another whiskey. But it’s a good weeding process – if they can’t handle you trumping them in sports debates/video games/Formula 1 races/et cetera, you can quickly move to the next one. And with all that time you save you can finish building that grand piano made out of bear bones.

    It’s hard out there for a lady-pimp.

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