Finally, we did what the Bachelor does best. Go tropical. I think this makes the show so successful because the more tropical the enviroment, the more tropical the drink, the more tropical the drink, the less you taste the alcohol, the less you taste the alcohol, the more spending your life with The Trust Fund seems like not there worst plan ever conceived by man. Hey, if you love guys who own bars, have giant cross tattoos (world’s biggest tramp stamp) and can never make eye contact, you are in luck. You can picture the gymnast thinking, “I don’t know if this is the right guy for me- Wow, this drink has pomegranate AND acai in it!”
We got a killer montage to begin this episode. Brad was all Indiana Jones (more like Austin Awkward) with crazy panoramic views of the rainforest. It made me want to go to Costa Rica and go on a scavenger hunt for all the broken souls of these women that were left in the darkest parts of the forest.
First solo date was Chantel, who Trust Fund needs to worry about a little bit. She kinda flaunts her body, but as bad as it sounds, I have serious doubts she will maintain it in the coming years. I don’t know. Trust Fund is definitely superficial at the core or he wouldn’t work out to the point he looks like he will fall over. He’s noticed. He’s concerned. I’m just saying.
I waited with total suspense to see what on earth the producers might have come up with to do in Costa Rica… oh. Another helicopter. I am opening this up to my readers. Has anyone ever used a helicopter ride to sleep with you? Did it work? Was I using the good old fashioned “I’m cooler than your boyfriend” approach for years when all I needed to do was take you on a helicopter? Just asking because it’d have saved me a lot of dinner buying. I love you, wife. Earmuffs.
They, of course, went zip lining. It started raining, which was only interesting because the krylon war paint blush they keep putting on these women still stays on in extreme weather conditions. Also, Chantel made a joke about “being wet”. God Bless America and same time, God help us. Just to make sure we knew she was hammered at noon ziplining, she made another comment about wrapping her legs around Trust Fund and then went to his room and put on his clothes.
Is it just me or are the producers doing a worse job of hiding all the things they do to try and psyche the girls out this season. It’s like, “Chantel is in Brad’s shirt!” or “Who was giving Brad grief?”. More on that later. The point is these producers must have turned to hard drugs to rationalize their involvement in this show. I mean, I know I need a lot of scotch to watch it. What must it be like for them?
Group date, only thing worth mentioning was the smart moves by Emily and Future Sex Tape in declining the giant blueberry garbage bags the rest of the women wore to repel down a waterfall. As cool as that is, again producers, can we come up with something cooler to piss of Future Sex Tape? “You said you would only repel off thing with me” she’d say. Think she’ll be repelling off lots of stuff in Austin when he is sleeping with every girl that comes in his bar? Maybe off a cliff minus the rope. Also, I hate how she says “he’s miyyyne”. I keep hoping that monkey from Outbreak jumps out and bites her in the face.
The girls were all so annoying on the group date, that Brad postponed his “journey” to “find love” and refused to give out a rose. Also, notice how after every line, he was forced to say “and what better way to do that than here in Costa Rica”. Can you imagine the meeting between the Costa Rican tourism board and the producers of this show requiring that line nine times in the episode to accommodate the filming? What better place to accommodate the filming than here in Costa Rica (they said I only needed to do it twice in this post, and where better to post than here in Costa Rica). Ok, it was three times.
The producers sent Future Sex Tape to Brad’s room later where she proved she was crazy because when she ranked the girls in the order she thought they should go home she had Scary Underwood in the final two. Dude. They probably kicked her out of the airplane at cruising altitude on their way to Anguilla.
Solo date two was with what’s her face with the genetically enhanced frame. She seems nice, but when two boring people try to climb in a cave and discuss their dinner (she asks what is this, he says “chicken”), it’s painful. Hopefully she finds love… and what better place than here in Costa Rica. Can’t help it, sorry.
During the cocktail party, there were only two significant details. The first was Chantal’s outfit. Holy shit. She looked like an over-ripe banana. Who the hell is letting her dress that way? I am a boy and I still was like, did you make that in the jungle and the humidity is making it rot before the rose ceremony. It’s like she climbed out of a daquiri. She also told Brad she was in love with him. Brad used the opportunity to stare at the ground and say thank you. He was like “good, if Emily doesn’t say it, you will be the winner, but I am signing you up for pilates and that dress is going in the compost heap”.
The other thing going on was everyone being egged on to have a confrontation with Future Sex Tape about her going to Brad’s room. Didn’t matter anyway. No one on this show can act and it just sort of fell flat. Also, everyone was shitfaced. I did enjoy Future Sex Tape and Brad arguing out front where he would try to tell her off and she basically bitchslapped him. And where better to be bitchslapped than here in Costa Rica.
Just give her and Brad a reality show a la Jessica Simpson’s and just watch those two go at it all day. We could witness the systematic dismantling of a human soul by the hands of a woman with the last name Money. Just call it “Brad on the Run” Tuesdays on ABC after a very special St. Patrick’s day edition of Mr. Sunshine starring a coked out Matthew Perry who we just let off the treadmill after six years.
He kicked off Jackie. That’s that. Off to Anguilla. And where better to go to Anguilla than here in Costa Rica.