After a great weekend at the Order of Omega retreat in Dana Point speaking to the gifted, arrogant and drunken future of my alma mater, I returned home for the most sacred of Bachelor rituals. I am, of course, speaking of the hometown dates episode. This is the chance for the girls to prove that inside every bat-shit crazy drunk reality show contestant is a small town girl with a family that actually admits to birthing her.
Let’s dive in and let’s do it sexy.
The first hometown was Seattle, which belongs to Chantal, who is going to great lengths to figure out every possible outfit that was designed to not fit her. The date started with her and Trust Fund kicking it in a park on a sunny day and him saying he could “see himself spending a lot a of time here”. Wait til it rains. If Chantal’s face after drinking, crying or swimming let’s you know her ability to deal with the aquatic element, you may want to move her to Death Valley. Just saying. In fairness, rain gear fits everyone the same way so she probably looks like she knows how to dress on those days. Kind of makes you think.
Anyway, Chantal had a house that totally intimidated Brad. Watching him look at her well put together house, her beer stocked fridge and dog wearing a t-shirt clearly reminded him he is a bar owner in Austin who owns a loft that probably has lost g-strings as ceiling decorations, like the skeezy old guy version of glow in the dark ceiling stars. I think Brad realized with Chantal, maybe he should move to Seattle.
Chantal’s family was epic. Her dad was an ex-NFL player and he has the wife and house to prove it. Chantal’s mother has the same plastic surgeon as her, although she seems to have thrown in some pilates. Her dad, despite a very flamboyant purple shirt, was in good shape. Brad had to feel good about that. That and the fact they are so rich they have the right to put every gaudy, tacky item in the Pacific Northwest in one house. There was a lamp with hawk feathers on the lampshade. Fuck, that’s arrogant.
The kicker though was the statue in the backyard of a man chiseling himself out of stone to represent “a self made man”. I think it actually represents having no taste and more money than you know what to do with. I thought about how awesome doing hardcore drugs at Christmas at their house might be. If Paul Rudd tripped on the five different kinds of chairs in the hotel in Knocked Up, what the hell would go on in that house? I have had dreams like that house where I woke up and made sure I wasn’t pregnant, despite being a man. So strange.
Next trip was to Madawadasawskasda, Maine where Scary Underwood made me totally positive that if she was my wife I’d drill into each of my eardrums and maybe blind myself to hide from her ridiculous, explosive bursts of manifesting acid flashbacks. She is literally a screaming cartoon character who fires herself fullspeed at anyone she hugs, screams at anyone she talks to… I mean, she is in dental school. Could there be a worse decision than letting her come near your mouth with a sharp object? It’s like asking a butcher to be your urologist.
I enjoyed Brad saying “si” when he meant to say “oui” to the offer of eating poutine, a Canadian mix-up between cheese fries and thanksgiving dinner. That said, I’d eat poutine after a night of drinking. That said again, I found myself praying she wouldn’t feed him the poutine, which she did. This represented the first of two gag inducing moments on the show (which is impressive considering the decor of Chantal’s parents’ home).
They picked out some lobsters and went over to Scary’s coked up family, who all seem like they adopted each other, especially her sister, some extreme Northeast version of Kat Von Di.
At one point, they all did ferret like barrel roles onto the carpet to listen more closely to Brad, which is insane, because I always pray I’ll have to listen to him less. All he says is “please” and “sit down” and “that means more to me than you know”, which is a weird thing to say because maybe people know exactly what it means to him. Stop being presumptuous, Trust Fund.
Side note. Pretty sure there was a lobster just hanging out in the garage when Scary’s dad was talking to Brad. That was the only dude in Maine that didn’t annoy me. I was baffled by why Brad likes this person. Not as a human, but I have NEVER been so off on someone making the top four. Ever. I mean, I’d have bet my 401K she was gone before Anguilla (and what better place to be gone than Anguilla).
Date three was to Chico, where the Undertaker totally got me. All episode, she was shady attractive and I felt bad for like two seconds about all the bad things I’ve said about her. Going in, I thought she was going home for sure, just cuz of her lifestyle. But somehow, despite the embalming demo (second gag moment) and the ridiculous cremation portion of the show (admit it, you thought maybe Chris Harrison was going to sneak up and into the kiln to beg for sweet death’s embrace), Undertaker came off great. Yeah, her folks were a little undertakerish if you will, but her role as a caregiver and businesswoman made her seem like a really good deal. Plus, she said she’d move for Brad. I remember thinking, this girl is kind of a good deal. Was I thinking this out loud? I checked and the girls next to me confirm I wasn’t. Of course, now I am blogging about it. Mindfuck.
Date four was with Emily. It was cute. Her kid was cute. She even opened up a lot. Brad just looked like a total puss when he didn’t kiss her at the end of the date until she made the move. It wasn’t a slow roll on his part. He just forgot to make the lady feel like a lady. In the end of the day, you gotta be there for the mom. You can’t shoplift the pooty. Cuba Gooding Jr. taught me that in Jerry Maguire. It rings poignant and true right now.
So, they go for the rose ceremony and Undertaker gets cut, even though she did great, was willing to move and looked the best at the ceremony. Scary Underwood made it to the South Africa trip. That means he wants to have sex with her. I am so lost. I mean, she’s cute enough, I am just trying to use rational thought here. I know it’s the Bachelor, but still. I always seem to understand the final three and the purpose of the sex trip. This one through me. The final trip is the sex trip with the lover’s suite keys and such. I mean, I know he wants Emily first case and Chantal second case, but if you are going for a third pick….
I’ll leave it alone. Next week, the gloves come off.