Bachelor Recap: Week Nine

I have been sick all week with a fever so bad, I wasn’t sure if the animals in this episode of the Bachelor were real or in my head.  That said, I am not rewatching the episode to bring you this very late (almost like a failed pregnancy test) recap.  I am just going off of my fevered memory so we will frankly just see what happens.

Keeping in line with the World Cup and the film Invictus, the Bachelor took a huge donation from the tourism board of South Africa and decided to take it’s famous “sex dates” episode there.  Nothing against South Africa, who was my favorite character in District 9, but this didn’t seem like the ideal place to “find love”.  The wildlife preserve they vacationed on looked more like somewhere to find “exotic animal droppings”.  I’d totally go there to safari, but to “find love”, not sure.

First date, Chantal O. came running out in an awkwardly fitting safari outfit.  I hope she wins because if she ends up being the Bachelorette, they are going to have to go to extreme cocaine levels to make her body work in the outfits her stylists are committed to forcing her into.  Chantal is a pretty girl, I’m not dogging her.  Just saying, maybe let’s put her in adult clothes.  Also, she could not have felt sexy looking at a bunch of rhinos flopping around in a dirty river.  She was probably like, fuck you Chris fucking Harrison.  I know this season you’ve MIA on a coke binge, but that doesn’t mean the “let’s bone in Tahiti” date had to become the “watch a giraffe shit” date.  Harrison’s like, “can’t hear you, Chantal, the cocaine makes my ears ring” and also “why don’t you work out like your mother and father do”.  Chris Harrison is on another level this year, I’m just upset we aren’t seeing it.

At the end, Chantal was offered the “let’s have sex” suite which she was so stoked on she immediately forgo the rest of her dinner and basically said what happens in South Africa stays in South Africa… except when it is on national television.  Also, if she played harder to get, maybe she would have gotten hooked up with a suite with a roof.  Girls, did any of you think that was a romantic room?  When I think romance, I think expensive bath robes, lime verbena body lotion and horizon pools, not safari dumps, mosquito nets in a roofless treehouse.  Chris Harrison.  #winning

Date two.  Emily rides an elephant.  Only worthwhile note, when they start to make out and they cut to the elephants horsing around in the water and making loud noises.  Thought that was classy.

Brad continued to just hand it to Emily, telling her against protocol that he was in love with her.  Sweet.  Then she kind of cock-blocked him by accepting the over-night date but explaining it was to talk.  Knowing how bad Brad’s game is, I am pretty sure talking all night would have been an achievement.

Date three with “Ash” was a total trainwreck.  I don’t even want to talk about it.  First off, it was a helicopter.  I’ve hit my saturation point with helicopters this season.  If they go in one more, someone better jump out of it.  It’s weird.  In movies, anytime there is a helicopter, it does something cool like explode or explode other people with missiles.  All it does on this shoe is cue this line:  “we’re up in this amazing helicopter with a beautiful girl and the most perfect surroundings and I am so glad I am on this journey to find love and what better place to find love than in a helicopter.”  FML.

I won’t even go into the awkward balls date they had, where essentially all Scary Underwood had to do was say “I would consider being a dentist in Austin”.  She couldn’t figure it out.  When she is dry and sober, she is almost normal.  The minute she gets drunk or gets in a body of water, she goes to total shit.  It is uncanny.  I have nightmares about her laughing, crying, swimming and holding a green goblet of frozen mojito at the same time.

Apparently, so did Brad.  He gave her a band-aid.  Cuz she’s cut.

Next week is the BS let’s all talk episode.  I’ll cover it, but reluctantly.  I’m sorry this was so short (the post, not Scary Underwood).  I just was so sick at the time and watching it a second time would be worse than a voluntary prostate exam from Wolverine.

11 Comments

Filed under Rants and Musings

11 responses to “Bachelor Recap: Week Nine

  1. KG

    I loved your USC recaps and I told my husband that I have to watch the bachelor this season just so I can read your Bachelor recaps. Then you go and get the bubonic plague and let me down this week.😦 It’s OK, I’ll let it slide.

    To answer you question, NO, the treehouse was not romantic. I kept thinking about bugs, and lack of bathrooms, and lions attaking below, and that everyone would be able to hear you boning.
    Worst. “Sex date”. Location. EVER.

  2. Umm...

    First off, whoa. Your posts weren’t this bad when you were dealing with cancer. You are arrogant.

    Second. Agreed. If I was offered that treehouse, I would have laughed and said, “Guess again.” I’m just saying, if I’m in Africa, I sure as hell am not sleeping in anything that doesn’t have walls and a roof. Just what I want to do, wake up and walk downstairs to find a fucking lion.

    Third. I’m going to need you to make-up for your lack of real trash talking this week in next week’s post. You said the gloves were coming off this week. I think they still might be on… Just saying…

  3. Ricko

    The “Scary Underwood” train wreck was so epic & awesomely wonderful, you just might need to reconsider re-watching that portion of the episode. Luckily for us, it was the start to the arrogant 2nd hour of Bachelor goodness.

    Scary was so deflated, it almost made wasting 2 more hours of my life away bearable. The fact that the shrills, screams and jumping, mounted hugs took off like a fart in a wind storm and seeing ZERO game Brad bumbling, stumbling and FAILING at knowing what to do next was one of the best awkward moments of the year. That dude ran out of cliched sentiments and really just looked pissed that sex was not going to happen on this “fantasy suite” episode.

    Overall, I’m becoming more and more enthralled with the Chantal belly watch, to see how horrible a job the costume department does to hide that thing. I totally agree that in proper clothing, she’d be fine, but when you’re tying button down shirts 3 sizes to small to push up the bolt ons & expose the midriff, something’s got to give. Glad to see her emotion roller coastal has been on check the last 2 weeks.

    As for Emily, Brad’s ZERO game capability happens more often and naturally with her than anyone else, I actually feel bad that she has to sit down with him and wonder, “is this guy ever going to sack up?”. Granted, she’s a gorgeous blond with a banging lil bod, but YOU’RE THE FREAKIN’ BACHELOR! Act like it for once. I guess it might affect a guy when you’re getting to make your choice of a wife on a national t.v. show, but he’s proven time and again, that he’s a bag full of over used “nice guy” statements and long winded explanations that really just make me feel like Clark Griswold driving in circles in London saying, “Look kids! Big Ben & Parliament” over and over again.

    Anyways, thanks for the lol’s. You always bring it and it’s much appreciated!

  4. Mia

    I look forward to your recaps every week. Re: the elephant/makeout scene– there’s a hilarious outtake on Hulu where the elephants are gettin’ it on in the background during Brad and Emily’s date.

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