Let me first start out saying that I hate this episode. The last thing I need nine weeks of Bachelor is bringing all these women back. The whole point of the show is their systematic banishment from my television to some Judge Dredd-like badlands where they must walk the earth and fail in relationships until they are too old to remember they are on dates. This episode is ridiculous because it removes all the joy of having banished these women as they are now very much back and being ridiculous.
First things first. Best part of the episode? The crowd. It is always a group of depressing women with not a man amongst them. They provide the strangest soundtrack of gasps, head nods and random supportive clapping that it almost makes sense. This episode, some of my favorite parts of the menopausal crowd were when Scary Underwood (we’ll get to her in a minute) said brunettes have more fun, the cut to the blonde girl in crowd shaking her head “no”. Also, I liked the two super old women who must be married to ABC execs, hence they scored the ticket and took the mean age of the crowd into the Greatest Generation.
The next element of this hot episode is the set. They put all these candles everywhere. What the hell is that about? I just mean candles are for intimacy. I guess the “hot seat” is supposed to be intimate, if not for the thirty drunk parrots in party dresses who just keep saying “let me just interject here for a moment” before puking out some hate at a fourth grade speaking level. I don’t know. Next time I have a negative work meeting, I’ll just light some candles and put everyone in the mood.
So Chris Harrison was back finally with a spikier haircut and the same ridiculous power wedding ring he’s been sporting. He was on nitrous oxide and ecstasy the whole time. I know it. He had this shit-eating grin going the whole time and his tie was noticeably less paisley. It was also thinner, like his face, from the drugs. He was in a very sexual mood as well. Mainly, this was obvious as he defended Future Sex Tape from an onslaught and when he offered Scary Underwood a hug. Also, he was so excited about a new season of Bachelor Pad. I am starting to suspect he catches sexual favors on that set. He hasn’t been the same since that show.
I don’t want to spend too much time on this episode because I hated it so much. There was the Future Sex Tape portion of the show where Jackie and one of the girls I don’t remember just went after her. Jackie was totally bringing me down. We all know Michelle Money is a shit show, rubbing it in just makes you look insecure. Jackie was whining the whole time and pretty much I kept debating committing seppuku if she kept talking. It’s like all this time has passed and she is super pissed and this was her chance to get the lead out. I am SO glad I got to witness it.
Then there was the Nanny, who for some reason needed closure from being kicked off the Bachelor. He’s closure. It was THE BACHELOR. Every week, they kick people off. You were one of those people. The good news is, America knows how low your self-confidence is now so you should have no trouble attracting top talent looking to prey on your insecurity. Advice: don’t go to bars. Go to places nice people are. Like hospitals.
There was new look Scary Underwood (Christina Hagulera?). She is going to be the Bachelorette. That’s why that happened. The key clue? Extensions. We know from The Muppet last season that you can’t be the Bachelorette if your hair isn’t stapled into your new longer hair. I look forward to another season of rooting for no one to find love at all.
The real story last night was the wind storm in Beverly Hills. During the episode, we heard a wild splintering noise, followed by a crunch and a car alarm. We went down to the street to find a GIANT tree had literally uprooted itself and fallen on a Porsche.
There was a weird guy with a banana who was totally freaking out about the wind and the tree snapping at the root. I just couldn’t get over the fact he had to bring a banana outside. It was one of those things you never knew was creepy until you were talking to it.
A chainsaw crew came and got Charlie Sheen with the fallen tree. It was a long night. Next week Trust Fund picks a wife. I’ll be at SXSW, but I’ll probably figure out how to check it out. Actually, since I’ll be in Austin, I’ll find Trust Fund himself and insert myself into the story.