Recently, the city has been stating that there would be an impending crackdown on texting while driving, or the more PC “distracted driving”. First off, I don’t buy the term distracted driving because what if you hear a totally arrogant jam on your satellite radio and start singing along? That’s distracting. There’s no law against rocking the fuck out. Additionally, what if a man pops up in the backseat and you have to fight him fisticuffs style? That’s distracting. Let’s just keep it to no-texting.
I support NOT texting in a car mostly because there is nothing more annoying than seeing a car on autopilot on the 405 vaguely staying in the lane with the driver’s head moving up and down like he keeps checking to make sure his penis hasn’t vanished. It’s something specific that I do not support. It’s the copy the city is using on the Amber Alert signs to let you know not to text.
To begin, I sure hope there are no missing children right now. I thought that’s what these things were for. This is clearing the way for something awful like “Missing Child – last seen in stylish 2012 [insert car and model]”. Or worse, “no texting? have a pepsi instead”.
Anyway, I am anti false advertising. These signs say something to the effect of “don’t text and drive, $159+ ticket, it’s not worth it”.
It’s not worth it.
How on earth can they know that? Maybe it is totally fucking worth it. I am not suggesting you text while driving, but I think the “don’t kill someone and lose money” line might work better. Here’s why. I can think of a list of seven things off the top of my head that are worth it to get caught texting and pay 159+ dollars. And here they are, Los Angeles:
- You’re an “actor” heading to the restaurant where you are about to serve hamburgers in a Hawaiian shirt to a bad-tipping family in Beverly Hills when your agent in Sherman Oaks [that’s the kind of agent you probably have] texts you “Got you a speaking part in the new Drew Barrymore rom-com, need to know if you can make it in the next five minutes”. You’re stuck on the 405 and you are a waiter and don’t have bluetooth. Enjoy the burgers.
- The girl/guy you always wanted to sleep with texts you at 2am when you are heading home from the bar and they are suddenly lonely and available and calling them back is too eager and might blow the deal (like you’ve done 1,000 times already).
- You see a text to donate sign for something you want to donate to (Japan, Katrina, Haiti) and know that there is no way you will remember “text Japan to 6593583450394340” later, so now you feel like an asshole and will probably hang yourself.
- You are trying to text a radio station to win a prize at three am where you know you are competing with only other drivers also texting.
- A man climbs in your car and offers you 160 dollars to send a text in front of a cop. At least you’ll have a story.
- A man climbs in your car and offers not to kill you with the Luger he is pointing at you if you send a text.
- If I am the man that gets in your car. I’m the bearfighter. You do what I say.
So that’s my thesis. Comment thread is for Arrogant Nation to give me arrogant reasons where 159 dollars IS worth texting. Have at it, vandals.