Happy Birthday Lane Fucking Kiffin

Lane.  I want to use Arrogant Nation and her glorious public forum Lost Angeles to wish you the happiest of birthdays.  I apologize that our gifts have no arrived.  Apparently, many of the items we purchased for you are unable to be sent via US Mail and so it may take some time for you to get them.  Don’t worry, here is the list of what we got you:

  1. a kevlar visor
  2. one hundred beluga sturgeon in a champagne river we terraformed into your backyard so you will have an endless supply of champagne-flavored beluga caviar
  3. ten hot people to farm the eggs for you (men and women because I know you just want to be surrounded by good looking people)
  4. the dude who played Thor just to walk around the sidelines with a giant hammer to head fuck Chip Kelly
  5. a bunch of food in a trough to put on the sideline to head fuck Chip Kelly
  6. a non-lethal backhand slapping ninja we sent to Washington to slap Sark in the face and remind him who big brother is
  7. 200 dead bears from a summer of Arrogant Nation hunting trips (impressive since they sent me over 1000, so you are pretty much high on that list, bro)
  8. a plane ticket to Indy so when our appeal is denied (or approved!) you can piss on it on the steps of the NCAA
  9. a really tasteful Coach wallet
  10. Kinect.  I mean, I know you wanted one so we made it rain.  Neuhisel plays Wii because the games are equally non-violent to UCLA football games.
For the homage we have paid, we just ask you for another season of arrogance, white visors and windbreakers, 2 point conversions, having a hot wife, letting Matt throw enough to win the Heisman and victory in the Pac 12 south so we may decline to play in the championship and prove the Pac 12 is soft for adding that game to the sanctions even though it is not the post season.
In Lane we trust, with arrogance and visor for all.

1 Comment

Filed under Rants and Musings

One response to “Happy Birthday Lane Fucking Kiffin

  1. Keeley

    God bless Lanemerica.

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