Welcome back to my 3rd season of coverage of the Bachelorette franchise. By sporting standards, I am soon to come into my prime. That said, I am going to make an arrogantly bold prediction and say that this will be the MOST CONTROVERSIAL SEASON OF LOST ANGELES BACHELORETTE COVERAGE EVER (insert ABC voice over guy).
Why? Well, there has never been a season where I have been so closely attached to the competition. You will not know when to trust me or when not to. I have inside sources this year and frankly, I am planning on being knee deep in the situation (not the dude from Jersey Shore, that would be crazy gross).
Are you ready? Let’s make fun of people.
We were first treated to an amazing intro of Ashley Herbert (pronounced Hey Bear) where she revealed her new forehead covering bangs and brown hair (I’m going to go out on a limb and say huge improvement, good work). She showed a lot of sexual dance moves including one ballet crotch shot that made me uncomfortable to watch next to my wife as I am pretty sure I cheated on her in that moment. Like, I really got to know Ashley right there.
This montage also showed us what will no doubt become the new fashion trend of the year. The Muppet had the highlighter colored clothes and extensions. This season, it’s all about midriff exposure. I’ve dated girls for a month and seen less of their stomachs than I saw of Hey Bear in the first 3 minutes of the season. She’s ready to find love. It’s clear. So clear she ran up the steps in Philly just like Rocky and danced around a little bit. I’ll admit, she doesn’t annoy me as much this season, but in fairness, Hey Bear is definitely someone who is only annoying when she is hammered (see last season).
Chris Harrison looked surprisingly sober in the debut. There was no sense of desperation or cocaine twitching, but the reality is he probably got a severe talking to by the network because it was obvious last year. Dude would literally do the creep out of the bushes. God knows what was in the bushes. My gut though is he is simply preparing himself for the trip to Hong Kong they teased in the trailer. Let’s be honest. Chris Harrison coked out in Hong Kong is a series in and of itself. Can’t wait.
Let’s discuss some of the dudes and d-bags we’ll be spending the summer with until I can write about football again.
First, there was Jake Gyllenerd. The dude is nice, he’s had sex at least twice, he owns a solar panel company that he started in college that now has 600 employees, but given his excitement over repeating the 600 employees line a few times, part of me thinks he is counting some 300 illegal workers he hires to install the panels and then all the factory workers where he’s outsourced the labor. Look, Gyllenerd, I know you look like Jake Gyllenhaal in a movie where he dies his hair blonde and takes a job as a weatherman, but I am onto you. You are outsourcing labor and maybe have killed a man.
Speaking of killing a man, there’s JP, who I dub Secret Assassin. And let me tell you why. Remember the host of Fun House, JD Roth? He later created biggest loser? This guy:
The US Government thought he was getting too powerful so they drugged him in 2008. They drugged him, gave him a meth addiction to hide his past. He lost 20 pounds he didn’t have to lose. He lost his ginger hair. He woke up a construction worker with the codename Cupcake with no memories and a lean body capable of running at full speed for over a half a mile at a time. They gave him the name JP, similar to JD, and a new job where he waits to be “activated” by a signal which will turn him into a Manchurian Candidate assassin. Is he there to kill Chris Harrison? Hey Bear? I have no idea. All I know is I dig Secret Assassin and I think he’s going to make it rain… blood maybe.
Then there’s Bentley, who the moment I saw knew was like a hobbit version of Ashton Kutcher who was in a frat in Middle Earth and got smacked in the face by a 2×4. So yeah, Fratchton Kutcher. First off, he named his kid Cozy. Give it 14 years, go to Salt Lake City, find her in local strip club. She can thank her dad for being on reality television and naming her cozy. To make things worse, you know he doesn’t give a shit about Hey Bear from the previews and you know she might just be female enough to go for a man that she has already been warned is bad news. Side note for men everywhere. Best way to get a girl you don’t know? Have her friends tell her you are “bad news”. Note to self, crack this code, prevent my daughter from having this defect.
There was the butcher, who while hilarious and nice with his family, looked like he just walked out of a racist towards Italians production of Lost in Yonkers. I am pretty sure this guy is just playing a fourth generation butcher. He is so dramatic. Homeboy got cut, so I am bummed I won’t be getting to use his nickname all year, which was going to be Westside Story Ben Affleck. Think about it.
Then there was Ben from Sonoma (and San Diego) who was pretty hilarious for most of the episode. I’d keep an eye on him because being a winemaker typically works on women, who in my experience, love wine second to only chocolate (these recaps are a close third). He has a nice backstory (so does West, who due to having his wife tragically drown gets a reprieve until he does something crazy this season). I also think the way Ben hung back when things got weird at the house was strategically strong. That and making your own wine. He looks like Zach Braff if Zach Braff wanted to bulk up and look good. So, I give you one of my frontrunners: Zach Braff on Wine, or ZBOW.
We met more people after we arrived at the mansion where Hey Bear told Chris Harrison she was so secure and ready to find love only to say her biggest fear was that no one would be excited it was her when they got out of the limo. Hey Bear, you are looking good this year. Bit of advice, don’t say it if you don’t mean it. I can call myself an Air Force Pilot, but it doesn’t make me one. Next time you say you are going to be secure, don’t immediately shit the confidence bed. That said, I would feel insecure too if they put me in a deconstructed disco ball as a dress that found a way to make a good body look confusing. Hey Bear, hit the wardrobe lady in the face. Now.
There was Umbrella Boy, who I think may be a sentimental favorite. Not because he had trouble with his umbrella or because he is “just in sales” or even because his watch stopped when his dad died, but because he is the guy in your fraternity who is good at impressions and can never, ever, ever, ever close a girl no matter how much it makes sense on paper. Dude has dudes lining up to watch football with him, can’t find someone to bring him nachos when he watches.
There was Ricky, the guy who tried to kiss her who looked like Tom Hanks Playing a Douchebag in a Movie. There was Jason Schwartzman (I’d say more, but I am pretty sure he is actually Schwartzman doing method acting for a part he took in a later film). There’s the Canadian dude with the fangs who could not speak English. Sad to see him go, he was gonna be like having Sloth from Goonies on the show. How did they not let him do an exit speech? Come on, Harrison!
There was Facebook, the guy who snapped pics of Hey Bear and asked to take one with Harrison later. There was Steroids Josh Groban.
And that brings me to the final three worth mentioning at length. First was Ames, who runs a ton of marathons and seems to have had botox already. It’s cliche to say that people may not be on the show for the right reasons, but does anyone believe Ames is into girls? It doesn’t matter to me personally, I just felt like he may be looking in the wrong place to find love. Either that or he is secretly from a yachting society deep beneath Yale in a secret river. I have never seen a man in khakis and a purple tie in such peak condition before. The dude looked like he was dressed to ride a horse. Also, I know he was totally intrigued by the next person I plan to bring up………
WHATTHEFUCKWASUPWITHTHEGUYINTHEMASK? Dude, how much did the producers pay Hey Bear to keep the masked guy. When he was saying that only a confident person could show up with a mask, I thought, this is false. There are several other reasons a man could wear a mask. Here are some of them:
- He was really there to intrigue Ames
- He loves Phantom of the Opera too much
- He is butt ugly
- Chris Harrison gave him mescaline and set him loose on the set
- He is butt ugly