Sorry for the day long delay. I have to take notes on the early episodes of the season because there are just so many dudes it is hard to keep track. Case and point, in the rose ceremony there is ALWAYS that person who gets picked and the whole room exclaims in unison, “who the fuck is THAT guy?” and you can’t answer the question. I want to get the raw dailies from this show sometimes so I can just watch the cocktail party in full, but then I realize I am describing a situation where I seek out ten hours of bachelorette footage by my own will and feel so bad I consider telling my wife I don’t want children out of a deep personal shame, not unlike when you wake up hungover and see you have made and eaten three different varietals of frozen Trader Joe’s cuisine (orange chicken was a bad decision).
Damn, that was a fucking sentence! Let’s go!
We were treated with Hey Bear’s signature montage move, the “look at the ground and think”, or LATGAT, if you will. Then she got in her Maserati (and by her I mean one Chris Harrison won in a high stakes game of Russian Roulette). It’s so funny because she can barely see over the steering wheel. Every wide angle of her driving is awkward because she is flying blind. It’s like a forehead poking out.
Also, this week provided two exposures of Hey Bear’s stomach, which kept my prediction of midriffs being this year’s highlighter yellow alive. Two weeks and counting. I bet we get midriff in 75% of episodes. I’ll keep score. I know you totally can’t wait. I’m so good to you. You complete me.
As I was debating who had a weirder face between the Mask and Ames, Hey Bear gave Umbrella Boy a one on one date. He was flying off to Vegas for what had to be the most awkward date I’ve seen on this show (including the olive oil wrestling for the hand of the Muppet). Umbrella-ella shows up and proceeds to take a very insecure Hey Bear to try wedding cake, try on wedding rings (she liked the 20 carat option, durr) and then actually go through a wedding ceremony. While Umbrella did a nice job saying yes when a priest tried to marry him, she shot him down in what was the most predictable stunt of all time. Imagine if she says yes and Chris Harrison shows up with a bag of coke and says “show’s fucking over, we’re going to Bangkok!” That’s the world I want to live in.
It was clear with Hey Bear’s insecurities (I only know about them because she keeps talking about them) that this was just a test exercise to prove a man would say “I do”. For Umbrella, this was a severe case of emotional blue balls, which I haven’t seen since high school, which might have been the last time I saw the other kind of blue balls either. Fuck, high school, man. Right? Right? Shit, I was actually ROOTING for a helicopter to show up and make some moves. Also, this is like the 300th time they did not use a helicopter in a city filled with helicopters. I normally think taking a girl in a helicopter for romance is the equivalent of paying for sex with a freshman in college, but compared to watching a fake marriage to a guy with a dead father, I’d welcome it.
Hey Bear exposed one huge flaw of the public school system in the United States when she did what so many people on this show have done before: say a phrase in a situation where it makes no sense. While trying to explain that Umbrella could lighten the mood in any situation, she said he could “make light” of any situation, which to me means he could not take something seriously that he should take seriously. Kind of like making a man try wedding cake, pick out a ring and say I do to you only to tell him surprise we’re not getting married. Cough, cough.
She made up for it by making out with him in the middle of the Bellagio fountains, which was cool until Umbrella kept taking about it for the next 2 hours. Come on, man. That’s a cool place to kiss someone, but whether you end up winning or not, I know you watched the show the other night and saw the Bentley situation and realized all the fountains in the world can’t substitute for raw, brutal player instincts praying on deep seated insecurity. It also didn’t help when he said his heart was “soaring higher than the fountains”. Don’t worry, Umbrella. Hey Bear said she’s keeping it in her “memory box”, which apparently is separate from her memory. Maybe they give it to you in dental school.
So the bros roll to Vegas and walk into the JabbaWockeeZ theatre and watch the JabbaWockeeZ do a bunch of robot dancing like “that kid” at your high school prom. As the guys are mesmerized, Hey Bear sneaks off and pops out on stage in a mask like she is about to dance her ass off. Only she just kind of poses and I get artistically blue balled, which I didn’t know was possible. What is with this? Who gets blue balls in Vegas? SO CONFUSED.
Anyway, what proceeds is a forgettable segment of two groups of dudes competing to be in tonight’s JabbaWockeeZ show. They did this with the Elvis show, the fucking Lion King, they just keep doing it. Maybe my years in a band jaded me about the thrill of being in front of people, but everyone seems to think this experience is the illest shit since the black plague. I don’t know. I’m not a girl, but somehow I suspect her dream is not to meet a guy who dances or Broadway acts for a living. I am just saying.
Credit to Hey Bear though, she danced pretty damn well once they gave her the chance. She shouldn’t be so insecure, she hasn’t been annoying this season (most of the time), which is hard on a show like this. As long as she doesn’t get drunk (see all of last season), she’s a catch for one of these dudes I think.
They send half the dudes home, all I wanted to mention was the awkward plane landing. Anyone else see that?
So, after the JabbaWockeeZ, they get together for drinking and incessant stealing Hey Bear away from each other. The crazy one was when West took her away and they magically teleported to a theatre. I was pretty tripped out. Chris Harrison definitely controls space and time, so I shouldn’t be so surprised. The sad part was that she didn’t seem to care much about West’s story. I don’t mean like she has no heart, but it was different than how she felt about Umbrella’s story, who got to make out afterwards. West is in the friend zone, his enjoyment of grind dancing with her and ensuing comment only sealed it. The last time I was excited about dancing with a woman like it was getting to second base was at a Bar Mitzvah in 7th grade. West, love you bro, but you may be heading home soon-ish. I just hope you outlast the Mask for the hope you can look yourself in the mirror.
Bentley solidified himself as my favorite Bachelorette contestant of all time. The dude is like Kobe. Hey Bear was tipped off he wouldn’t give a shit, he said he doesn’t give a shit, he barely tries to seduce Hey Bear and it works. Basically, he said he is driving the lane and dunking and he does. He literally said he hoped to get a “pickle tickle”, which was so Fratchton Kutcher I couldn’t take it. To get a network to bleep out the world pickle makes you a fucking legend. He has sinister headfucking game and I hope my lady readers out there see what this looks like from the outside. Hey Bear went in knowing he was bad news and fueling her obsession with him based purely on her knowledge of his badnewesedness. Classic. He pulls some game that only vaguely makes sense, like “I don’t know I am should be insecure or not” and that immediately triggers Hey Bear’s “hey, we’re both insecure, let’s live in a cave together and swim with dolphins and eat tapas” gene, at which point she reverts to the blonde, drunk person she was in hot tubs with Brad last season saying “please, please, please, please, please” to him about something or other. Later she makes out with him and he I think described it as good at first but then boring.
Guy is an asshole, but he is taking the United States to school.
She took Mickey on a date, who in continuing with my Tom Hanks with a snaggletooth references, I am going to call That Thing You Douche! They played the “flip a coin” game a little too much for me and probably Chris Harrison, who as I mentioned only play Russian Roulette for games of chance. Then Hey Bear pretended not to give him the rose, which was kind of fun, but also intended to make him insecure. It’s weird, she’s bringing everyone nice down to her level and celebrating the one dude who wants to make her MORE insecure, which he does soon according to NEXTWEEKONTHEBACHELORETTE. Caaaaan’t wait. Fish in a barrel.
The Mask almost took his mask off, but then didn’t, which was great because his montage during the credits was amazeballs. Like, how much did the producers tip him to get him to vacuum in his boxers? I’ll tell you. The exact amount it would cost to get you to give up sex for a decade until people shook the image from their heads.
They sent home Jason Schwartzman. Other than that, who cares. Let’s all just dig in and wait for Bentley to wreak havoc.
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