Oh, week three. Fuck it, let’s just start.
Chris Harrison really, really, really returned to form this week. I guess he could not wait for the drugs in Shanghai or Thailand. Ultimately, I think about 3 weeks into someone’s “journey” to “find love” he just has to turn to serious, hardcore narcotics to keep him engaged in asking questions he already knows the answer to. Given the success record of winners of this show, Harrison functions as some sort of time-share salesman on the Titanic post iceberg collision. It takes a lot of level four red rock opium to keep smiling through that.
Harrison showed up in casual attire, which is the first clue he’s falling off the wagon early on. His hair was kind of fucked up. He was kind of hungover. Basically, he was in a workout outfit, only most likely working out meant being able to run unrestricted at full tilt in case the heroin deal went bad and he had to jump a fence covered in bougainvillea.
Hey Bear had her first date with the not interesting Ben (the interesting one is Zach Braff on Wine, which I may change to No Tennis Rafael Nadal, or NTN for short). Keeping with the theme of making us watch Hey Bear dance constantly, Ben (or Leg Humper) prepped for a flash mob, which I am pretty sure Disney invented, which is convenient that this show is on ABC. Just like Modern Family, which had a flash mob. In fact, I am pretty sure the Mickey Mouse Club itself was a flash mob, just one on a television set.
What was I talking about?
Oh yeah. The flash mob at the Americana (what Disney? couldn’t afford to huff it to the Grove?). So they start dancing and suddenly, a huge flash mob came running out. Here’s a fact that is directly related. Unemployment numbers in California are at record highs. This is how they were able to find hundreds of people willing to learn a dance midday (probably just for the right to eat craft services) for THE BACHELORETTE. They dance to the ultra family friendly “Like a G6” by Far East Movement, which I only admit to enjoying in Las Vegas along with the other 30 things I only admit to enjoying in Vegas. Like putting dead bodies in dumpsters and not feeling guilty.
Hey Bear was NOT into Leg Humper, who was trying to dance white boy sexy while she was trying to keep her private parts on both hemispheres of her body pointed away from his crotch while also avoiding eye contact. I’ll give it to Hey Bear. She is flexible. That wasn’t easy to do. Then they kissed and while I don’t have a sister, I’m pretty sure if I did we’d be allowed to kiss that way in public without our parents getting in trouble with the state.
Their night date was just a creepy ass rant about how he wants to live on a rainbow, make kids, worship her, feed her chocolate and tell her she’s skinny and then burn photos of Hot Emily from last season. She’s like “I WANT ALL THAT, BUT NOT WITH YOU LEG HUMPER”. He got the rose just because Hey Bear is a nice girl, no matter what I say. She tries to make the move the audience understands. This may be because she is insecure and worried about what everyone thinks, but I’ll just go with nice. Plenty of time for insecurity later in the episode…
Side note. Thank GOD the Mask got booted. If I had to hear the organ music one more time, I was going to kill myself by eating a piece of drywall. Finally, this dude decides to reveal his face and when he does, it’s like, okay… He’s kind of old and Hey Bear knew it. Big ups to ABC for the awesome cut away shots of the squirrel and hawk though. I laughed pretty hard at that. Glad to know one of the producers loves smoking weed when they edit.
So the group date is at the Comedy Store, where yes, one time I did stand up comedy. It was mostly penis jokes laced with mild sexism. You didn’t need to be there. It’s kind of like these recaps. Anyway, one of my favorite conventions of the Bachelorette is when the suitors pretend to get excited over whatever half-assed celebrity they get to be on the show. Let’s be honest, Johnny Depp is not going to be on this show. I remember when they had Barenaked Ladies on and everyone pretended this was so fucking cool. Apparently, Harrison slipped them a drug that makes people think it’s 1997.
So today, they have Jeffrey Ross come out to host a roast of Hey Bear and naturally the suitors pretend to care, although I was like, aren’t you that guy from, wait from, I am so confused as to why I should give a shit. Ames made it out like he was scared, but I know it’s always been his dream to be on Broadway. Drama King. The Mask was pretty confident he was going to be awesome out there and with his Backstreet Boys joke, I was pretty confident he would get more laughs covering his junk in honey and sticking it down a red ant hill. Harrison must have slipped him the 1997 Juice.
The dudes went up there. Tennisless Rafa told a hilarious small boobs joke, which having observed enough serious relationships in my life, is the exact kind of joke you can get away with as long as you are smiling and possibly paying for dinner. Hey Bear didn’t mind the plethora of small boobs jokes either, she seems like a good sport.
Umbrella Boy went up there are was just super mean and hit Hey Bear right in her Achilles’ Heel. He mentioned Hot Emily and how everyone wished she was the Bachelorette. Hey Bear did not dig this at all and soon enough, she was crying hysterically, which I found hysterical. Come on, Hey Bear. Maybe if you looked like the Manscaper from last season I’d get it. You are skinny, have cool bunny teeth, are a dentist (which means the guy who dates you doesn’t need to work possibly), you are hotter than my dentist and you seem pretty nice. Also, you find it acceptable to eat french fries with gravy so your man won’t be embarrassed when he’s drunk and you catch him raiding the fridge late at night for cheese sticks, gatorade and probably week old Thai food. Hell, your Dad even drinks a lot, which while it is a sore subject, confirms the fact that if the holidays in Maine suck, there will be plenty of booze to drink. I mean look, I rarely say this about anyone on this show, but you are a pretty good catch Hey Bear. Don’t be so damn insecure.
Which brings me to Fratchton Kutcher, the Bentley, who is the best character ever put on this show. The man is fucking hilarious and only because he isn’t screwing up my daughter. He basically says the whole time what he is going to do (lie) and then executes it and we see Hey Bear fall for it on cue. When he went to console her after Umbrella-ella hurt her feelings, his line about “he knows 24 of the 25 suitors are glad it’s her” was so damn funny I was going to die. It was cruel, but who in America didn’t laugh. It was that complicated humor where you knew Hey Bear thought he was cockblocking Umbrella, but in reality, he was being very honest and telling her that it was he who did not give a flying fuck about her. And she fell in love with him for it.
I just hope female America is learning from this. When you are in high school and your close guy friend is trying to explain politely to you why Johnny America isn’t right for you and you don’t believe your friend, realize he also knows Johnny America and the fact that he has told everyone how little he gives a shit. This show has shown the world both sides of that story now. We’ll see if there are changes or if Darwinism hath taken its toll already.
Real quick, what’s up with all the Red Bull Vodkas this episode? Here’s another tip Lady America. Date scotch or whiskey drinkers. Yeah, maybe we get a little extra weight on the ribs in the winter, but at least our drinks don’t glow in the dark.
At the after party, Umbrella decides he has to get out of there and takes to the streets. The were at The Kress, which was hilarious because if you’ve been to that part of Hollywood, running will only get you raped in a dark alley, especially when you have fifty grand in camera equipment following you around. The Bachelor Pad is in the mountains near like, Calabasas. Was he planning to trek on foot 40 miles like a fucking hobbit? Oh no, he just came back like a bitch. Sigh.
In the morning, Bentley basically said he was going to make it rain (and later it literally did). After Michelle Money warned Hey Bear about him, after she confronted him about it, he still tricked her and she basically said she was in love with him. Three weeks in. I feel bad for the winner of the show because now he knows what went down. Your fiancee fell in love in 3 weeks with a guy who could only form complete sentences off camera in the form of insults to your fiancee. Therapy is a good call.
So Bentley says he is gonna use the daughter excuse (Cozy is a lucky girl…) and he totally does. Hey Bear feels like shit about it and even allows him to pull some high school BS by saying he wants to leave a “dot dot dot” on the end of their relationship. Then she repeats “dot dot dot” and even though she looked pissed, I knew she immediately held out hope. So confused. He even pulled off getting her to walk him out, saying the line “I’ve had the same tears” and then caused it to actually rain. Bentley is a supervillain. Imma miss the guy.
Side note, anyone notice the work out equipment all over the front room? This is how they kept the Muppet in check. They’d have had to tie Chantal to it with all the stress drinking she was doing. Anyway.
Secret Assassin got the lucky assignment of being the date on the eve of Bentley leaving a flaming bag of dog shit on the front door of Hey Bear’s heart. He did a nice job and even got to make out with her. I want to say Hey Bear looked cute in her glasses and sweatpants. It was a good preview of what she would look like normally after a day of crying and hating herself. Compare that to the hair extensions and highlighter top mess the Muppet was after the crew spent hours getting her ass camera ready and you gotta figure Hey Bear is going to hold up well.
Only there was one problem. Secret Assassin is still, well, a secret fucking assassin. Isn’t it POSSIBLE that he paid Bentley to be an asshole so she would be vulnerable and allow him into her home when no one could hear her scream? Oh, she lives. Nevermind. I kind of like Secret Assassin. So do my readers apparently. I guess smiley murderer is in this summer.
Before the cocktail party, Harrison came out with bags under his eyes and what looked like a knife scratch on his cheek. He was clearly hungover and blinded by the tin man Halloween costume Hey Bear was wearing. Annoyed by her sparkliness and also by the fact she was ruining the episode being torn up over Bentley (who he warned her about), he was looking like drug sauce. I mean, Harrison was the friend who warned girls in high school, and now he gets to do the finest blow Disney will buy him and act high (literally) and mighty in front of these lost lovers. What a trip.
When Hey Bear said “dot dot dot” to Harrison, he jumped down her throat and basically told her she was an idiot, to which she still was like, maybe I believe Bentley. Hey Bear is a smart person in real life, I just want all women to pay attention. You have friends out there right now with dudes who are Bentley-saucing it up and you need to be Harrison and tell them, not be Drew Barrymore in He’s Just Not That Into You. Wow. My man card just flew out the window. I’m going to drink some bourbon right now while I finish this up. That’s what she said.
Finally, the Mask is kicked off and he put the Mask in the fireplace and watched it burn. Then in the credits, they had a scene where he was dumping out reading auto trader while Bentley did his hair. I am convinced Mask is an actor. Can we get to some fun?
Phuket, Thailand next week and there will be a lot of jokes about the name of that city. Also, I bet we see our first helicopter of the season, our first gratuitous pool nudity and our first drunk ass Hey Bear. Ash, you got through a tough episode and we’re all rooting for you at this point. Now kick Ames off so I don’t need to look at him anymore.
Side note to the story, one Arrogant Nation reader is apparently on The Voice on NBC and her friend asked if I’d give a shout out for everyone to vote for her tonight after the episode when the polls close. So here it is. I don’t watch the show, but I always like to see Trojans win. So Lost Angeles endorses Lily Elise for The Voice without ever hearing her sing. ARROGANT.