The first thing I noticed this episode was the house seemed to be painted with a distinctly Asian flair, a subtle allusion that we might be headed to find love in… well, Asia. And boy was I right.
A very casual, possibly on Zanax, Chris Harrison came rolling in and told everyone they’d be heading to Phuket, Thailand, which made me laugh because they all called it “Poo Kit”, because someone clearly gave them a crash course on pronouncing it right and I generally enjoy watching dumb people try to sound cultured.
Harrison let on that he was on something, as usual, by saying this would be the “mother of all road trips”, which I immediately believed because if he knows of some road that leads from Malibu to Thailand, that would be impressive. He’s smuggled a lot of smack in his day, so I bet he knows where it’s at. After the guys got all excited and fist-pumpy, Harrison said “wheels up in 2 hours” which fucking put me on the highway to the danger zone immediately. He was so excited to buy cheap Asian cocaine and eat exotic street food.
Hey Bear (who is getting a new nickname later in this post) clearly took a flight that had a spray tanning machine on it. Just saying. She also wore no less than three midriffs in the first ten minutes of the show as her head combatted the unfortunate situation of humidity verses bangs.
She was already talking about Bentley, which after last week, made me want to kill myself. Literally, every time she did a confessional on camera it was like, “I’m really feeling a connection to the guys… Bentley”. Sigh. At least I got to really enjoy watching her pretend to plan an itinerary with a semi-english-speaking concierge at the resort. Yeah right. The show needs to book the helicopters months in advance, we don’t believe you.
Side note, anyone else freaked out there hasn’t been one helicopter yet? Is Hey Bear afraid of them?
Ames made me laugh so hard I shot pho out my nose when he said “there’s no better place to start over than Thailand”. Everything this guy says has a homoerotic double meaning. It is the most entertaining part of the show now that Bentley is gone. What are you starting over from, Ames?
Constantine got his first date and I finally realized I am calling him Celebrity Apprentice now, because he actually looks like every celebrity at the same time. Think about it. Josh Groban, Ryan Gosling, Nick Cage, Chris Klein, Sly Stallone. Try it yourself. It’s fucking uncanny. He looks like every celebrity if they just had unsuccessful botox and looked a little bit not like themselves. It’s proof though that the love child of every male celebrity would be awkward looking. Sorry for those of you that think he is cute. I’m not sorry for saying what I just said about him, I’m just sorry that’s what you’re into. I bet you like Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum.
Celebrity Apprentice’s date with Hey Bear was so boring I actually painted a wall in my living room and watched it dry. When it started to rain (and did the whole damn time), they needed a new game plan for a date at which point Celebrity Apprentice suggested shopping for “Hawaiian Shirts”. Those are huge in Poo Kit.
On said shopping date, Celeb Apprentice tried to be worldly and suggest “asking a local” what they should do, as if that move was clever. Unfortunately, the guy he asked spoke zero English and something tells me Celeb doesn’t speak the local tongue. The best part was he found another local to translate, but then didn’t think just to ask “that” local what to do. I mean, you’ve got two locals. One to translate, one to smile blankly and say random shit. Why not ask the one that speaks your language and is in your age vicinity? Hey Bear. Imagine asking this guy to order a pizza. He’d drive to Domino’s and then ask them to deliver a pizza to his house.
Hey Bear later felt the need to tell Celeb Apprentice about Bentley, because guys really love hearing about another guy you like better. This began her incessant compliment fishing, earning her the new nickname “The Fisherman”. She made Celeb Apprentice tell her he was into her so she could feel not insecure about Bentley. And then she talked about Bentley for at least another 10 minutes. I hate it.
There was a compelling conversation between Zach Braff on Wine – slash – Tennisless Rafael Nadal and Secret Assassin back at the crib. The dentist was there too, but I am just waiting for him to get sent home (although I loved watching him tell off Jake Gyllenerd for being a total douchebag sunshine delight. I don’t even know what that is, but I know that’s what he is). ZBOW told Secret Assassin he’d gotten some facesucking time (off camera it would seem) with The Fisherman. Now, we don’t know if that is true, but I believe it was all a part of a larger plot to activate Secret Assassin’s violence trigger and launch him into a Thailand killing spree. Can’t wait. Caaaaan’t wait.
So group date was a touching “let’s rebuild an orphanage tsunami exploitation” and I couldn’t help but wonder if this was an itinerary item the concierge gave Hey Bear. “We have three pools, there are elephant tours and lots of our guest enjoy refurbishing orphanages”.
The guys took this really seriously, which was cool. ZBOW had the smart idea of painting an elephant, which definitely went a long way with The Fisherman because Bentley got way in there just smiling and having aggressive hair. ZBOW can paint. This didn’t stop The Fisherman from passive aggressively complaining about not getting enough attention. Yeah, Fisherman. Let’s spend less time on tsunami orphans and more time helping you get over Bentley. I’ve been saying you are nice all season, and you still are, but you are falling into that category of “girl who doesn’t know better and tries to explain to everyone the asshole they are dating isn’t really an asshole”. It makes you wish more of your friends were on reality TV so you could point out how ass backwards they are in certain relationships, right?
Chris Harrison was gone a long time. I felt like he was in the jungle raiding the poppy fields or something making homemade heroin and opium.
ZBOW kept using the word “buzzin'” about Hey Bear and it made me realize he is probably a really, really strong contender. Between his sense of humor, knowledge of pop culture, ownage of a winery and French Open titles, I think he could win it all.
Real quick, during the Gyllenerd mutiny, anyone notice Secret Assassin drinking white wine when there was a full bar? Whiskey probably triggers the violence. I only drink white wine when eating fish or when it’s the only thing they are passing around at wedding cocktail hours. It’s cathartic. Sorry Grigio lovers.
Finally, let’s talk Ames date. Holy shit, so double meaningish. I am convinced Ames is just on this show to audition for Glee, which is totally fine for me, I’m just suggesting he start singing more. I mean, the dude has been to Thailand by himself ALONE more than one time. And came to take a cooking class. I want Ames to just let it rip, because he could be amazing. He is holding back.
At one point the Fisherman got on the front of a boat and was about to do the Titanic thing, but it was clear Ames wanted to do the same thing, so it failed. Weak. It also didn’t help that he said the sea kayak could “barely afford the width” of the cavern. Sorry, maybe that’s just how Ivy Leaguers talk, but admit it. You laughed. The whole thing was like the SNL sketch with Ace and Gary. He wore white pants the entire time and admitted he met a girl in a shoe store. Come on, Ames!
In fairness, Hey Bear could totally talk to Ames about Bentley because he probably felt the same way. I’ll be honest, Ames is probably one of my favorites on the show. I can’t wait to see what happens next.
I forget who they kicked off. Do you even care? Oh yeah, West. Meh. See you next week when Ames Thai kickboxes. I bet he beats the shit out of everyone.