Five weeks, no helicopters. It must be to do with The Fisherman’s severe self confidence issues. A season of Bachelorette without helicopters is like Chris Harrison not on extreme amounts of smuggled red rock opium. I mean to say, it feels weird.
That said, we sure got an old convention of the show back last night, which is where everyone repeats the name of the location where they are visiting. “We’re here in beautiful Chiang Mai (which I had never heard of until Chris Harrison made me go and score cocaine with him) and we’re here to find love, and what better place to find love than Chiang Mai?” Ames freaked me out a little again with his evaluation that this was the best place to find love in Thailand, and he’d know because he’s solo ventured here twice before to
meet guys find love. He literally said, “Chang Mai is the perfect place to fall in love with Ashley. It’s famous for having for thousands of monks in saffron robes wandering around.”
Ames. I have no problem if you are into guys, I think that’s awesome. I want everyone to be happy. The thing is you are on a show competing for an insecure woman who will probably kill herself by letting an elephant trample her if she finds out you don’t like girls, which she will blame on herself. I am going to suggest you don’t know things like that a Thailand city is famous for monks or describe their clothing color as saffron. The only time you should use the word saffron is when it’s on a menu in a risotto you are considering (just making sure the mushrooms are in season) or if you are in Iran looking for a good crop field to liberate slaves from. Shit, I know a lot about saffron. Sorry, Ames.
Hey Bear came in walking awkward-balls through a garden saying that she was over Bentley (spoiler alert, she isn’t) and that there was no better place to find love than Chiang Mai, which I don’t think is true. I am told for very little money or effort you can find all kinds of love in Amsterdam’s red light district. I’ve never visited for that reason. That and the wooden shoes.
Harrison comes out in his military green outfit that he never bothered to change after he raided a heroin camp deep in the jungle and explains the rules of the game to the boys. Basically, I was disappointed he didn’t say something awesome like, “hey bitches, Chiang Mai rules”. It’s fine. The gist was there’d be a two on one date, which is only cool because for the rest of the show you get lines like “Two guys, one girls, that’s a lot of pressure, but I am ready to get started”. And what better place to go two on one with a girl than Chiang Mai. (Seriously, no helicopter yet?)
Zach Braff on Wine got the first date and he remained committed to not looking like an asshole on television. While most of the guys do a decent job of not looking like douchebags (sorry Jake Gyllenerd), ZBOW has that French Open winning style that girls seem to like. He painted a face on an umbrella, which was pretty smooth, but not as smooth as the “we can’t make out infront of a temple” move, especially since I am pretty sure he doesn’t worship whatever deities kick it in that temple. I mean, Ames maybe. He loves saffron robes. ZBOW? No, just stone cold “I’m not gonna kiss you” game, which was the second best game I’ve seen so far. First? Bentley’s “I think you are ugly” game, which has been a traditional style since middle school.
BTW, the mental kiss reminded me of Demolition Man when Sly Stallone is cryogenically frozen because he is a fucking badass and unfrozen in the future because Wesley Snipes unfroze and is beating the shit out of all the pansies in the future and one night a still-hot Sandra Bullock offers Sly sex and he’s like taking his pants off and she comes out in a robe with two helmets and they use them to brain hump. Sly made faces in that scene that will eventually lead to thousands of cases of erectile dysfunction in people who loved action movies in the 90s.
Oh wait, here. XOXO, YouTube:
I’m not commenting on ZBOW’s heartfelt dinner conversation because I am pretty sure you don’t read this blog for that. I will simply say I would have a really hard time making out with a bunch of fire-breathing creepsters surrounding me. I feel like that happened in Apocalypse Now too. Basically, if ZBOW can get that done, I can totally see why he’s been so dominant in French Opens.
Next was the group date, which as a man, kind of bummed me out because it was a lot of half naked dude. I mean, so be it. Hey Bear came out in a midriff keeping her streak at 5 weeks. So people start working out like crazy except Ames, who got his ass kicked by a stationary punching bag.
Then when they find out (shocker) they are going to be fighting each other, Ames “get’s stuck” with the pink outfit. I mean, the dude went to an Ivy League school. He knew the best way to get pink without taking shit was to just wait until everyone picked NOT pink and just be polite and all “oh, I guess I need to wear pink, awww.”
So at the muy thai fight, there were two notable things that went on. Before I mention it, I give the dudes credit. With the exception of Ames, they tried to land some good shots. I was like, good work. Tough shit going on. OK. The first thing was that Secret Assassin was a good nickname, wasn’t it? Homeboy is way shorter than I thought he was, but suddenly he goes into recessive warrior mode and literally dismantles I think it was Mickey. I mean, he just flipped the kill switch and shit got nuclear. Everyone better watch out.
The second thing was of course, when Jake Gyllenerd knocked Ames the fuck out. And what better place to get knocked the fuck out than Chiang Mai? Ames was so punch drunk I felt bad for the guy. This is where all the kayaking and Thai cooking class fade away. The only pad thai in the area was the shit in his head that used to be his brains. Is there anything worse than going to a foreign hospital in pink shorts? It’s up there, but what better place to go to a hospital in pink shorts than Chiang Mai.
This date just got weird and I am pretty sure she started talking about Bentley again. Hey Bear looked so damn bored on the date with the guys. Like she looked miserable. Ames was an excuse to feel bad about Bentley and his evil sorcerer game. I hoped everyone got trampled by an elephant and Secret Assassin is behind it and he and ZBOW do a buddy action movie together. Didn’t happen. Drag.
Ames came back and couldn’t talk. Didn’t bother me.
I am skipping the majority of the two on one date. It was boring. I am sorry. Like, Umbrella Boy has turned into a douche (and to think I supported him for a hot second) and the other guy I already forgot his name. I am sure I can find it if I look it up on the dating sites he plans to join. BachGuy218 or something. Next.
I will say this, Umbrella Boy had a cryptic ass goodbye speech. I am pretty sure he said he would “crawl back into a dark space and pull the rock back over him” which was crazy scary. They used that creepy ass mystery music with it too. What’s crazy though is they are now using it when Hey Bear talks about Bentley…
Which brings me to the last point. I cannot take the Bentley talk anymore. I started out being cool with Ashley because she is clearly not a bad person, but this Bentley shit just has to go. I’ve only covered the show for a few seasons, but this is the first time we’ve had someone so insecure. It’s crazy.
When Harrison showed up to chat with her pre-rose ceremony, not even the incredible amount of barbiturates he was on could hide the fact he was annoyed. I was positive he was giving her a backhanded slap. And what better place to give a backhanded slap than Chiang Mai!
Harrison is only half a human being, so the part of him that isn’t soulless drug lord itching for a fix and a knife fight was ready to push Hey Bear down a flight of metal stairs. Hey Bear is that girl you know who falls in love with someone for seemingly no reason, only now she is on television and you are seeing it. I feel bad for her watching the show and knowing the world is watching her do “that thing” where someone takes ONE WEEK of interaction and uses alcohol, world-travel and bad logic to transform it into years of what-could-have-been relationship fodder. The fact that she keeps saying “dot dot dot” makes me wish the dots were three bullet holes in my television so I could stop listening to her talk Bentley.
Here’s hoping next week when he shows up he kicks her hard and sets her free. And what better place to be kicked hard and set free than Hong Kong.
AND CAN SOMEONE BRING ME A FUCKING HELICOPTER?!?!
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