Several of my readers suggested various Hey Bear drinking games this week, the two most predominant being “take a shot every time she says dot dot dot” and “take a shot every time she says Bentley”. In either event, every participant in the game would be dead of cirrosis or acting like Nick Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. Can I be the first to say it: This season of the Bachelorette has been one giant, sobbing insecure fest, and worse, it’s not about anything significant. It’s just the dissection of “that girl” falling for a dude in a week and wasting millions of dollars in television budget making us watch it.
And what better place to make us watch it than Hong Kong. I know Harrison is totally pumped up because illegal is a state-or-mind when the lights go out in Hong Kong. That said, the city looks like fucking Tron and I am pretty sure I’d be epileptic within a week of being there. Civic planners were like, “Hey, we’re so rich we’re putting laser turrets on all the sky scrapers because we totally dug that Pink Floyd thing at the planetarium when we visited Los Angeles”. That’s my thesis.
We were treated to Hey Bear doing an action movie pause-and-look-dumb-while-traffic-surrounds-you-at-high-speeds shot. It was like Forrest Gump got lost in China. Hey Bear, as she tried to prove she’s making a fresh start from Bentley and his dot dot dots (and what better place to make a fresh start than Hong Kong), stated that “she’s been dating”. Yeah, Fisherman. We know. You are the fucking Bachelorette. You are dating like seven people. Also, making a fresh start is when you stop talking about Bentley, which for everyone who watched last night knows we’ll have to wait at least until next week to experience. Dot dot dot, I guess.
Harrison sat down with her in a very casual boating shirt because he clearly agreed to use his celebrity to charter a yacht and avoid police interference while dragging waterproof bags of cocaine underwater behind the boat. I don’t know, he looked like he had a blue linen drug smuggling yachting ensemble going on. Where was Ames when you need him?
It seemed like Harrison was leading Hey Bear to disaster. Bentley is here, we gave him a free vacation to Hong Kong and I am almost positive he was smirking at the brick wall he’d sent her careening to. She was all “shut up, SHUT UP” and it was crazy because I was thinking the same thing, only about her. It made me wonder about how many times I maybe made a girl act ridiculous and super optimistic just so I didn’t have to be honest and say “out of all the girls in the world, you will not be the one I convince to let me get fat an procreate with”. When you put it that way, if there are any girls out there who feel that way, maybe they aren’t missing out.
Ashley definitely spent like 30 minutes figuring out if she should change outfits or maybe down a bottle of chardonnay, but ultimately realized she was already wearing a see-thru shirt and jeans so tight she walked like she was having a prostate exam despite having no prostate.
She gets to Bentley’s door and he totally takes 20 minutes to answer the door, she had to knock twice. Even better, she went in for the kiss and he was like the kid who had to kiss the fish at summer camp as a dare. Basically, not on the same page.
The conversation was totally pointless, although we slowly watched Hey Bear realize Bentley was a douchebag since she has no internal douche radar. At some point, she even stuck with the punctuation theme and said she finally had her period, not a dot dot dot. Wow, that sentence was disgusting. That said, I am pretty sure she left the room being like, “maybe there’s still a chance” until Harrison forced her eyeballs open Clockwork Orange style and made her watch the first five episodes of the season so she realized America is about ready to use a cheese grater on her face every time she talks about Bentley. I know I am being harsh, but I haven’t seen one fucking helicopter this season and it’s getting old.
My favorite parts of her time with Bentley as when she said she believes in fate and said their must be a reason she met him. Yes, Hey Bear. The reason is you both are on a game show about dating. That’s the factual answer as to why you met. Was it fate you both wanted to look like assholes on television? Maybe. Only the television gods know. Man, I turned on Hey Bear quickly… I hope I can rebound from it, she must be a good person inside.
The other best part was where she said “mission-a-fucking-ccomplished”, which made me like her more almost immediately, just because I like when things have the F word wedged in. Dot dot a-fucking dot! … Period. As I said to my wife and her attractive friends on the couch with me, Hey Bear was a deer in the Bent lights. Zing!
So, date one with Lucas (who seems nice, but definitely has latent Texas racism and woman hatred) was in a market. Ashley must love markets. In fact, she loves markets so much that markets are the new helicopter this year just like Thursdays used to be the new Fridays. Later on the date, they were on some boat and it looked pretty choppy. I got dizzy watching it. Eating questionable foreign street food and taking a bumpy boat ride sounds really romantic to the tune of mouth to mouth barfing.
Also, what was up with his backstory? He was so vague. Like, I got divorced, it was hard, anyway… I had a lot of questions for Lucas. Like did you kill her? Did you beat her? Are you poorly endowed? Did she hate Odessa, Texas like the quarterback in Friday Night Lights (movie, not TV show)?
Hey Bear, in an effort to make everyone as insecure as she is, did her thirtieth I’m not giving you the rose, just kidding, I’m giving you the rose fake out. I am so tired of it. She’s actually making me miss the Muppet. You heard me Ali.
Group date, meh. Hey Bear came out in a midriff, surprise, and like, flash dance dance pants (also the name of my new indie electronica side project). She told everyone they had to recruit people for an arbitrary dragon boat race which was not at all a factor in her decision of who to give a rose to. One of my Twitter followers asked me mid show if dragon boat racing is like pick-up softball leagues in the US. Hilarious.
I dug how ZBOW and Celebrity Apprentice bought outfits. Know who didn’t dig that move? Ames. He was so pissed he didn’t get to go shopping for fine Chinese silks. Unlike Hey Bear who pretends she has been to Hong Kong a bunch, Ames definitely has been. Notice Harrison didn’t show up for this, mostly because racing dragon boats is only exciting to him if the loser has to cut off a finger.
The awkward part was Mickey’s sex noises at the end of the boat race. I blocked out his exact words, but I am pretty sure I got to know him better than I wanted to. Ames was stoked.
Speaking of Ames, he showed up at the after party wearing a collared polo under a collared dress shirt like he was an Abercrombie mannequin that fell off the truck on the way to the airport to be shipped to the US (notice my political commentary on outsourcing of work for cheap foreign wares, damn I’m smart, you all must really like me, yes I will come over for dinner, no, just one ice cube in that bourbon, I’m sorry, I’m married but I am suuuuper flattered, can I have a ride home, I took a cab over).
Ames kissing Ashley was disgusting. It was hard to understand. He was closing his eyes and pretending it was Mickey. If Ames is, in fact, into Ashley, the only possibility is that he is a virgin. I have never seen such an awkward performance since I woke up in the middle of the night at a middle school sleep over and saw my friend making out with his arm.
JP’s date was boring. He was understanding when Hey Bear talked about FUCKING Bentley again. I mean, in fairness to us, we’ve heard it a lot more than he has. Also, what was with the awkward Chinese violin? One string? What’s that about? Are we against chords over there? I don’t know which was worse, that song or Ashley’s super fake tan. It was like someone hit her in the face with an RPG filled with self-tanner.
The rest of the show was everyone getting pissed at Ashley for admitting the Bentley thing to everyone else. It’s amazing. Ashley needed Bentley to fly to effing HK to figure out something so obvious it took the guys less than 30 seconds to realize. Bentley was a douche from the get go. Big ups to Mickey for peacing. If I knew a girl was debating me and someone 99% of guys know is a certifiable ass-bag, that girl is not an option. How can I trust she likes me if she doesn’t know the difference between eating haute cuisine and hot pockets? You can’t. Big ups, Mickey!
The dentist was all hard about it until she cried with him, then he had her back, but then she cut him. Point? Don’t sell out. Women hate sell outs, especially insecure ones. If dentist had said, “you are nothing”, she’d have kept him. ZBOW was money, he just kept his mouth shut. Lucas got into wifebeater mode, so at least we learned about the divorce.
I’ll end with an Ames’ quote, because he is my favorite character in this play. When Hey Bear asked his thoughts on the Bentley thing and how it complicates their situation, he said,”I think we prefer our fairy tales to be simple”.
Priceless. I’m spent. See you in Taiwan.
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