Killing Lobsters: A Study in Extremes

A buddy of mine had a freshly steamed lobster picture on his facebook wall today and it got me thinking about how humans love killing lobsters.  A lot of people make a big deal about what is the most humane way to do it.  I’ve heard “just throw the fucker in the pot of boiling water” and let the bug scream.  I’ve heard you numb them in the freezer.  I have heard you knife them in their bug face.

Food Network programs always make a big deal of this on shows like Iron Chef because when time is of the essence, an all-star chef will tear the bug apart with his (or her) bare hands with no thought to humanity.

The perverse side of my brain was compelled to find a video explaining the best way to kill a lobster with the dignity a bottom-feeding bug from the depths of the sea deserves.  What was shocking was that the video I found from Fine Cooking starring a nice-looking lady chef (sorry if I am supposed to know her name) was the exact line where super human meets cold-blooded assassin.

Here is the video below.  If you are squeamish about lobster murder, perhaps skip it.  If you are ready to learn one of the bearhunter’s deepest life philosophies, probably endure this Stepford Wife murdering a frozen lobster and read on.

HOW HARDCORE WAS THIS WOMAN?  She sort of smiled and sort of didn’t.  She moved deliberately.  She was totally reassuring about the totally normal ghost leg movements of the beheaded lobster.  The loud crunch of death didn’t phase her even a little bit.  It was a decisive strike, like the one Michael Douglas made against the Libyans in the American President (which was a drag for him because he was about to get with Annette Benning in the China Room of the White House and that totally would have punked Warren Beatty).

Anyway, my point is about the misconception that there are opposites in this world.  I think it’s all on a circle. You notice that scene in movies where a couple argues for five minutes and then suddenly hook up?  That’s not because of polar opposites.  That’s the circle at work.  RESPECT THE CIRCLE.

This woman in killing a lobster was so calm, assuring and human that she actually bordered on being a methodical serial killer.  It’s like when people are so nice they are creepy or when a girl seems to hate you, but then you realize that’s just fear you don’t like her back (or likewise regardless of sex, you get my point).  You ever see someone laugh a little too hard and then start crying?  It’s the circle.

In this video, we see the circle at work.  Now I suspect you will always see and respect the circle.

Tangental as this may be, you’re welcome.  Watch the video one more time now and embrace the creepiness before ditching it for the weekend.

Tampico Beverages has decided to send me a gift package of their new line of fruit drinks (not seen since that random high school party you went to with friends) and I am going to take it near the ocean and craft summer beverages and report my findings on their behalf.  What can I say?  I am a sucker for beverage challenges.

You heard me, Red Bull.  Hit me up.  I’ll scare you.












Filed under Rants and Musings

5 responses to “Killing Lobsters: A Study in Extremes

  1. Confused Bearhunter

    I don’t get it. Wouldn’t freezing a lobster cause it pain too? Sure it will numb it down but frostbite hurts too. Besides…it tastes better when you boil it live.

  2. Confused Bearhunter

    That’s so arrogant of her telling people how to kill lobsters humanely yet toying with it anyway.

  3. AusDawg85

    Hot chick slices lobster…not sure who is more arrogant, the chick or you for showing this! Send her a t-shirt.

  4. ldytrjn

    I like how she said “liquid” would run out. I get it though. Saying “I put the pan here to catch all the lobster blood from when I knife it through the head” probably isn’t very appetizing…

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