Awkward Timing of Bruin Hate Mail

Happy Monday, Arrogant Nation!  I got a present today and I decided to regift this shit to you via zeros and ones.  I wrote a post September 28th of LAST YEAR for a contest I was having to let you all come up with a shirt to make fun of UCLA.  While I arrogantly decided not to produce a UCLA shirt, that didn’t stop a random Bruin from JUST NOW discovering it and sending a hate mail (in comment form).

reggie bush or this moron?

Well, you know what the bearhunter does with these things.  As always, her post in its entirety, followed by a version with my notes in red.

Happy Friday, bitches.

You all are pathetic. Your feeble attempts at making UCLA look bad are all in vain. You want to make fun of us for eating ice cream sandwiches? Really, that’s the best you got? You should be digging your head in the dirt from the shame of your football team. If you want to call us squares that’s fine with me. UCLA students are far more intelligent so naturally you feel threatened. If you had half a brain you would attend our public school at half the cost and in the best part of L.A. (Beverly Hills). Instead you pay twice the amount to worry about getting shot at school in the middle of the ghetto. Pathetic.

…And here we go…

You all are pathetic. Are we pathetic today or a year ago when this post I wrote this post you are just now reading?  Your feeble attempts at making UCLA look bad are all in vain. While I disagree my attempts to make you look bad are feeble, I totally agree they are in vain.  You clowns do a fine job making yourselves look bad all by yourself.  Essentially, what I do is like stopping at Yogurtland even though we just had dessert at dinner just because sometimes you want more dessert.  Or having that extra glass of scotch.  Look, basically, you guys have PhD’s in making yourselves look like assholes, but don’t expect us to miss out on the fun you’re having.  Want to hear a joke?  Rick Noohighsul.  (I don’t learn to spell your name until you are bowl eligible) You want to make fun of us for eating ice cream sandwiches?  Yes. I do frequently.  Also, you do not deny your love of ice cream sandwiches, validating my proof that is truly what gets Bruins off. Really, that’s the best you got?  Well, no.  You are also terrible at football, ranked lower than us in US News & World Report (completing your ten year slide into the toilet under our collective asshole and depend on state funding to survive… Good luck with that.  Oh yeah, you wear powder blue jerseys.  You should be digging your head in the dirt from the shame of your football team. I have UCLA grads to dig any holes I need.  I was thinking of putting some planters in my backyard.  Also, I think it’s awesome we were banned from a bowl when you didn’t qualify.  I mean, you could get caught for sanctions and no one would notice.  That’s depressing.  If they could prove you guys paid a player (no one looks closely if your team can’t win), they’d have to sanction your women’s softball team or something.  If you want to call us squares that’s fine with me.  SQUARE!  UCLA students are far more intelligent so naturally you feel threatened. I’m not threatened by people who wear powder blue and don’t have a handle on “the comma”. If you had half a brain you would attend our public school at half the cost and in the best part of L.A. (Beverly Hills).  Yes, if I had HALF a brain, I probably would have gone to UCLA. Fortunately for me, I have a whole brain and a wall full of mounted bear skulls next to my USC diploma.  Also, if you had a whole brain, you’d know UCLA is not in Beverly Hills.  It’s in Westwood.  That’s why your douchey fight song is called “Sons of Westwood”.  Crazy, right? Also, in your alternate universe where UCLA is located in Beverly Hills, it still would not be the in “best part of LA”, because Beverly Hills is its own city.  I’d know, I live there.  Instead you pay twice the amount to worry about getting shot at school in the middle of the ghetto. Pathetic.  Since I don’t want anyone as geographically challenged (and possibly racist?) visiting my alma mater, I’ll let you perpetuate the myth that USC is somehow in the ghetto.  That said, even in its sketchiest days before the downtown developers came in an made the area a glowing disco rage fest, I never feared for getting shot.  That’s because I was a Trojan.  I understand your trepidation, though.  People hate squares, especially in the “ghetto”.  

NEXT.

8 Comments

Filed under Rants and Musings

8 responses to “Awkward Timing of Bruin Hate Mail

  1. Jeff

    I believe you should change “was a Trojan” to “am a Trojan”.

  2. The shame of OUR football team? Those bruins are delusional. Also – LOL at “our school is in Beverly Hills.” See – bruins are taught early to choose a nice place nearby when explaining where they live. This skill will suit them well during a lifetime of living in shitty areas. So – Culver City becomes the “Westside,” Santa Ana is “South Coast Metro,” or they are “on holiday in the Bay Area” while serving time at San Quentin.

  3. It sucks. I can never be impressed by this kind of thing because bruins make it way too easy. It can’t even be described as easy as “shooting fish in a barrel.” It’s really more like easy as… well, telling a Bruin that UCLA is not in Beverly Hills. That’s insulting to the intelligence of the barrel-dwelling aquatic community.

  4. SithTrojan

    Actually, their fees are about HALF of ONE SEMESTER for us.
    Apparently, they do not teach math at fucla either.

  5. You killed that bruin with the “half a brain” line. That was great! Personally, it boils down to them wearing powder blue…… I mean, I don’t know what else to say, that should speak for it self. All bruins think they look cool flying their colors, frankly, it’s quite embarrassing.

  6. SithTrojan

    Actually, they can’t decide which shade of blue to wear. They wear powder blue while in their rented home of the Rose Bowl, I say rented since WE own it. Yet they wear navy blue on their white away uniforms. Even the logo on their helmets is a different color.
    Even their “band” cannot decide which blue to wear, as their uniform has navy and powder blue.

  7. USC2000

    You inspired me…up here in the northern part of the state, I yelled “SQUARE” as I drove past a bRuinmobile on my way home last night. It works well as a “clean” replacement for what I usually yell as I drive past them. Now I know what to do when I have my mom in the car with me. Thanks!

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