Happy Monday, Arrogant Nation! I got a present today and I decided to regift this shit to you via zeros and ones. I wrote a post September 28th of LAST YEAR for a contest I was having to let you all come up with a shirt to make fun of UCLA. While I arrogantly decided not to produce a UCLA shirt, that didn’t stop a random Bruin from JUST NOW discovering it and sending a hate mail (in comment form).
Well, you know what the bearhunter does with these things. As always, her post in its entirety, followed by a version with my notes in red.
Happy Friday, bitches.
You all are pathetic. Your feeble attempts at making UCLA look bad are all in vain. You want to make fun of us for eating ice cream sandwiches? Really, that’s the best you got? You should be digging your head in the dirt from the shame of your football team. If you want to call us squares that’s fine with me. UCLA students are far more intelligent so naturally you feel threatened. If you had half a brain you would attend our public school at half the cost and in the best part of L.A. (Beverly Hills). Instead you pay twice the amount to worry about getting shot at school in the middle of the ghetto. Pathetic.
…And here we go…
You all are pathetic. Are we pathetic today or a year ago when this post I wrote this post you are just now reading? Your feeble attempts at making UCLA look bad are all in vain. While I disagree my attempts to make you look bad are feeble, I totally agree they are in vain. You clowns do a fine job making yourselves look bad all by yourself. Essentially, what I do is like stopping at Yogurtland even though we just had dessert at dinner just because sometimes you want more dessert. Or having that extra glass of scotch. Look, basically, you guys have PhD’s in making yourselves look like assholes, but don’t expect us to miss out on the fun you’re having. Want to hear a joke? Rick Noohighsul. (I don’t learn to spell your name until you are bowl eligible) You want to make fun of us for eating ice cream sandwiches? Yes. I do frequently. Also, you do not deny your love of ice cream sandwiches, validating my proof that is truly what gets Bruins off. Really, that’s the best you got? Well, no. You are also terrible at football, ranked lower than us in US News & World Report (completing your ten year slide into the toilet under our collective asshole and depend on state funding to survive… Good luck with that. Oh yeah, you wear powder blue jerseys. You should be digging your head in the dirt from the shame of your football team. I have UCLA grads to dig any holes I need. I was thinking of putting some planters in my backyard. Also, I think it’s awesome we were banned from a bowl when you didn’t qualify. I mean, you could get caught for sanctions and no one would notice. That’s depressing. If they could prove you guys paid a player (no one looks closely if your team can’t win), they’d have to sanction your women’s softball team or something. If you want to call us squares that’s fine with me. SQUARE! UCLA students are far more intelligent so naturally you feel threatened. I’m not threatened by people who wear powder blue and don’t have a handle on “the comma”. If you had half a brain you would attend our public school at half the cost and in the best part of L.A. (Beverly Hills). Yes, if I had HALF a brain, I probably would have gone to UCLA. Fortunately for me, I have a whole brain and a wall full of mounted bear skulls next to my USC diploma. Also, if you had a whole brain, you’d know UCLA is not in Beverly Hills. It’s in Westwood. That’s why your douchey fight song is called “Sons of Westwood”. Crazy, right? Also, in your alternate universe where UCLA is located in Beverly Hills, it still would not be the in “best part of LA”, because Beverly Hills is its own city. I’d know, I live there. Instead you pay twice the amount to worry about getting shot at school in the middle of the ghetto. Pathetic. Since I don’t want anyone as geographically challenged (and possibly racist?) visiting my alma mater, I’ll let you perpetuate the myth that USC is somehow in the ghetto. That said, even in its sketchiest days before the downtown developers came in an made the area a glowing disco rage fest, I never feared for getting shot. That’s because I was a Trojan. I understand your trepidation, though. People hate squares, especially in the “ghetto”.