Before I get started, I suspect the stylist on the show caught onto my critiques of Hey Bear’s steady stream of midriffs and decided to change her outfits up this week in a drastic, mind-blowing way. This week, Hey Bear wore exclusively REVERSE MIDRIFFS. I know a lot of you ladies probably call them “backless dresses” or something I’ve never heard of (in fairness, can you explain to me the West Coast Offense?), but let’s call a taco a taco here. She was wearing reverse midriffs. Period. Dot Dot Dot.
Also, real quick… Never thought I’d be saying this, but can we get a fucking helicopter on this show? Hey Bear is boring me to death with the “let’s go to another vague Asian market” or “let’s go eat in a vaguely Asian garden”. I was wrong about the helicopters. We need them for context and for the sweeping douche soundtrack they play to make sense. It was written for helicopter footage. It’s like hearing the theme from Jurassic Park while watching a man take a dump. Bad example, that sounds hilarious.
Hey Bear starts the date by telling us Taiwan is the “hidden jewel” of Asia and that “not a lot of people know about it”. I’d buy that if every toy I ever bought during my childhood didn’t say “made in Taiwan” on it. Chris Harrison pointed out it was the 100 year anniversary of Taiwan. In those 100 years, they have definitely made 94 percent of the toys I have ever played with and I thank them for that, even if there’s some detrimental outsourcing issue associated with it. Look, I fucking love toys, guys. So did you. Don’t sell out your bros in Taiwan.
Lucas made a comment about being in three countries in a short amount of time, which was Southern racist for “I need a super size drink and some white folks”. I can’t be alone in my feeling this guy beat his wife or something. I just know it. I like the guy fine to golf with or maybe say inappropriate things to a waitress with, but I know he is up to no good and I want divorce details. Actually, I don’t care enough for that, but you get it. He punches his wife like a time card.
When the boys arrived to meet Chris Harrison, he seemed to insist to stand awkwardly far away. The reason being, of course, fear that any of them were wearing a wire. It’s customary for Harrison to ask contestants on the show “Are you a cop? You know you need to tell me if you’re a cop.” Side note, I am pretty sure Ames continued to confuse us as he was possible wearing Shape Ups just to get a little glut workout in.
Celebrity Apprentice (Constantine) had the first date and he was pretending to be Chris Klein in American Pie this week. Hey Bear took him on a train and said there was something romantic about train rides because he was holding her had. I just want to point out you can hold someone’s hand while your are getting your prostate checked, that doesn’t make it a romantic location. Stop needing so much assurance, Hey Bear. You are the only girl they are competing for (except on this episode where people were just waiting to see Emily cry about Brad at the end).
Anyone notice Hey Bear say some sexual innuendo and then the producers did the totally tasteful shot of a train going in and out of a tunnel spewing steam everywhere? Well, I did.
Anyway, this douchey ass date was in a market and they made a “love kite” which Hey Bear loved Constantine for taking so seriously. I am pretty sure he drew a scene from Shrek on the back. The Fisherman had all her lines in the love ocean on this date because Celeb Apprentice is working the most effective Hey Bear angle: don’t commit to liking her. If you tell her she is great, she starts chewing her lip and kicks you off the show. What can I say? I’m getting real in the Whole Foods parking lot with ya’ll right now.
While the lanterns were pretty cool at dinner (which was the same dinner she’s taken every dude to so far in the absence of FUCKING HELICOPTERS), I felt weird that Constantine could use chopsticks and Hey Bear couldn’t. I feel like a dentist should be able to handle that shit. It’s not a tooth drill or an extender or something. It’s two pieces of wood that every asshole at Geisha House can figure out. It’s a big deal to me. How the hell do you go to Asia for four weeks and not pick it up? Maybe ask for the the rubber band version.
ZBOW’s date was hilarious because it was like an Asian version of Garden State. He was looking like Zach Braff with a few French Open wins to his name, riding on a moped with a girl in a helmet. I just needed some Shins music and maybe an existential crisis and I was there.
At dinner, she again told ZBOW the wine they were drinking reminded her of the wine he brought. This time he was like, “Bitch this is nothing like the wine I brought you are lucky we are on TV right now. This is cheap wine Harrison stole when he was robbing a blind fortune teller back in Taipei in a coke fit.” I mean, at least that’s how it went down in my brain.
Kudos to Ben for referring to love as the “L Bomb” and not coming home on their date. This is the second time there’s been proof ZBOW has been getting some action on the side and I like that he embraces Harrison’s “there are no rules” approach.
To that point, Secret Assassin was PISSED about ZBOW getting some dental work done after hours. He was literally meditating on the couch trying not to go into kill mode. He looked like Van Damme in Bloodspoort before a fight.
The group date was the second time insecure ass Hey Bear did wedding shit. STOP. GET IN A FUCKING HELICOPTER AND ZIPLINE. This show dies hard when we pull BS like this. I gotta be honest though, Ames’ outfit made my night. He looked more feminine in that than Lucas did in a full on dress, which by the way was probably against his religion to wear. That religion? Wifebeating.
Secret Assassin was losing it when Lucas was getting some kisses. I was way more pissed off than he was. I had to watch a SECOND date about Hey Bear trying on wedding gear. Also, how ghetto was that background they took pics on? I could see the creases in the vinyl. Come on Taiwan.
The dudes hated this date. Ames showed up to the night portion in red pants like Andy Bernard from The Office and for some reason had baby photos on him. Who does that?
Ryan’s date started with an awkward run across a big square in a pink linen shirt. It was over from there. He was a douche every chance he got. At the temple he did some sort of namaste bow that made me want to drown him in a bowl of wheatgrass. His game is just pure douche and worse, I know it works on some people. He literally said “there’s water in the background, fish all around” and that was supposed to pump Hey Bear up, who instead looked like she would rather share dim sum with an axe murderer than Gyllenerd here. Honestly, his water heater explanation made me hate the concept of showering.
She dumped his eco-friendly ass and I thought he was gonna puke. I tried my best to feel no sympathy for him as he cried and watched his world crumble down. I succeeded. I was never so happy to see him hail a cab off the show. Let’s be honest, they made him take a cab because he was so annoying, the PAs were tired of driving his ass around. NOW GIVE ME A FUCKING HELICOPTER.
Hey Bear skipped the rose ceremony and her pregame pep talk with Harrison was only cool because he was so fucking stoned it was hilarious. Later, Lucas. Off to hometowns and if we got to four markets I am not writing any more of these recaps. We need a drug addict Bachelorette to make up for all the boring dates Hey Bear likes.
See you next week when we’re all cats. Fan me on Facebook for updates as the season continues….