I need to get real with you fine people out there. This season isn’t getting less boring. I wanted more from this episode, but frankly, for the most part, these were some likable families and some legit family tragedies that even I don’t want to make fun of.
That said, I’m gonna try.
No helicopters. No midriffs (front or back). What the hell was this episode going to tell us (other than Hey Bear only sluts it up when the parents aren’t around. Good for her).
First date was Constantine, which I knew immediately as she yelled “Haaaay Constantine” when they did an awkward run to each other, which is sort of the helicopter of the hometown date. It’s the reason Hollywood spends big money on jibs and dollies and such to make two people running to embrace each other not look so awkward that food loses its flavor and your sperm count goes back to pre-pubescent levels.
Hearing Hey Bear yell “Constantine” made me realize how we all need to prevent their romance, if possible. It reminded me of every girl that dated a surfer from my high school who was just obsessed with the fact they were banging a dude with a name more interesting than Ben or Frank or Jason. It was always like “I’m picking up Barton and Quimby from Zuma, they’re so ‘I don’t give a fuck'”. That’s what the rest of us had to compete with before we had things like college degrees and salaries to combat names given by hippie parents.
But Constantine didn’t get his name from surfing. He got it for being super fucking Greek. This shit was like My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and ABC really worked hard to make it feel that way, mostly because they are racist.
Constantine’s mom literally cooked an entire farm of animals. There were like ten fucking roasted chickens, a lamb and a neighbor on the kitchen table. What a way to impress a girl who hasn’t eaten since the Bellagio fountain date with that guy who’s probably killed himself by now. The mom wanted only one thing: to know Hey Bear would be a Greek dentist in Georgia. She’s like “as long as I don’t need to be insecure, I would move to Mordor.” The mom’s like, I like your lack of back bone. She’s all, “thayyynks. where’s CONSTANTINE?” Sorry, just booted in my mouth a lil. Lil bit.
Beyond the creepy undead poodle in a dress and the fact that Constantine constantly interacts with a father who barely speaks English, it seemed like a good time. Some old, fat dude even made it rain like a strip club, throwing money in the air when the got hammered on ouzo and danced like Joey Fatone. Good times, I’d kick it with these crazy bastards.
OK, look. I feel awful his Dad and his step-dad died, but I gotta be honest, his family creeped me the fuck out. First off, they are from Chadd’s Ford, which is a ridiculous name of a place to be from. What’s with the extra D in Chadd? If Ames’ name was Chadd, Hey Bear might dig that in a “Constantine” sort of way. I can picture her making a reservation at a bougie tapas place and being like “it’s under Chadd. With two D’s” and feeling all self-important. I know you feel me. Kisses.
Ames’ run up to Hey Bear wasn’t helping his “I like girls” case at all. Again, I don’t care if he likes girls or boys or robots, I am just saying…
Anyway, Ames literally said “this is like home for me”. Oh really? Isn’t that weird? It speaks to his secret life of travelling alone to Thailand to learn to cook and find love, losing a little piece of his reality each time, running from the truth…
Oh, fuck it. Let’s talk about his family. There was his crazy Republican political strategist sister with his same weird ass mouth, her husband who was made to wear the ridiculous shirt she bought him and deemed as “Hollywood”, the science experiment brother who was too inbred from years of protecting the Ames bloodline to even talk or execute a successful comb-over. How about the creepy thumbsucker baby?
Did you feel like the sister was probing Hey Bear to see if Ames was into girls? Cuz I did. Just saying. That said, you had to admire this family. They clearly fought the Redcoats. I mean, they just kept breeding inside the family and fighting the British until BOOM: America happened. We owe Ames a debt of gratitude. For real. Vive le America.
He took her out for some “romance” which included a “typical day” drinking white wine under a magnolia tree, which Ames could not imagine something more romantic. Yeah, bro. I saw Bridges of Madison County too, but it had the opposite effect on me. I was terrified. I knew Ames was toast, but that said, didn’t we all? He’s better off.
Ben’s date was slick because he has a winery. That usually works really, really well on girls. Like, a Beamer works pretty well, but a winery is like 30 Beamers that form a Transformer than compliments you and can fix your plumbing. It’s pretty good.
Ben had a good looking sister who seemed like she had her brother’s back. They went through some real family tragedy and ZBOW opened up. I’m not gonna keep talking about this. I hope he’s doing okay. Sorry, there’s not much negative to say about that situation.
Secret Assassin is apparently from my father’s hometown of Roslyn, New York. This only means that his terminator assassin programming happened near where my own roots are. It makes me wonder if somewhere in me I have a trigger than can be flipped and suddenly I go apeshit.
JP recreated the Endless Love scene from Happy Gilmore mostly because the disco ball is the only thing that calm his violent nightmares where he murders villages of innocent people. By the way, Hey Bear’s feet are the size of Dixie cups. She will be able to share shoes with her children. That’s economical.
JP drank MORE white wine. Also, red flag for him being way too good looking for his family. They years may not treat home boy well, especially with the stress of constantly being activated by the military to murder political figures from opposing nations. It’s a big burden to bear. Also, his Bar Mitzvah photo came out. That’s a standard move. Seemed to work.
Ames got cut and made some weird faces. Adios bro. Let’s get to fucking Fiji where I saw a helicopter. Fucking finally, Hey Bear.