Hello lady and man friends. Last night was my favorite night of the non-football year. Last night was second Christmas and Thanksgiving combined set in a tropical location where Chris Harrison acts as some kind of Santa Claus-slash-pimp (literally). I am talking about the mofuckin’ fantasy suite date episode. Fantaaasssyyyy daaaaaate. I know it’s my fantasy to sleep with three people on national television and later have my fiancee watch it on national television and have that destroy my new life I utilized a complicated “process” to “find love” and create.
So, how do you really feel?
We started off with Hey Bear doing some random beach wandering and there was a super pornographic geyser that just like exploded for no reason. It was a preview of all the dirty things Hey Bear was planning to do. As I will prove in this post, she is one of the horniest bachelors/bachelorettes in while. I’ll come back to that. That’s what she said.
Anyway, before we get into the “orange themed date” with ZBOW, fresh off another 8 French open titles and an Armani white jeans ad, we need to cover the pointless return of Jake Gyllenerd. The dude every other guy in the house hated, but couldn’t believe it decided he couldn’t believe Hey Bear, in fact, also hated him. He shows up and gets a room at the hotel where Hey Bear is being insecure and even better, tells Hey Bear he called up Chris Harrison and asked if he could come back. Don’t blame Chris. He feeds off human pain, it’s his mother’s milk. He probably was deep into a 12 hour red rock opium smoking session when he got the call from Nerd and some of the people he was doing drugs with said that they’d forgive his sizeable cockfighting debts if he sent the Nerd on an emotional suicide mission. Harrison said “I was gonna do that anyway” and shot two of the three people in the room in the leg. There was an awkward pause and then they all started laughing. Drugs are cool.
So Nerd is basically like, blah blah blah “how can you not like me I know about tankless water heaters and a vaguely look like a bleached tips version of the guy from Source Code, maybe it’s not you or me, it’s you needing more time to figure out if you love me” while America was all busy setting up hangman’s nooses in their closets to kill themselves if he didn’t shut up.
Hey Bear sat there like… Um. Lip bite. Vapid nod. Lip Bite. Think about sex with Constantine. Lip Bite. Then right before she could tell him to sod off back to Corona Del Mar, he’s like “don’t tell me the answer yet, think about it”. Yeah, Nerd. Because kicking you off THE BACHELORETTE for a guy who still hasn’t admitted he even likes her meant you had a chance. It made me want to go back in time and kill the 7th grade version of myself that thought this way depending on the laws of time travel and how regressive chrono self-murder would affect the current me (which is awesome and has won the Oscar for “coolest shit ever” like eight times).
Anyway, as Nerd looked for shells on the beach, Ben and Ashley got in all their orange clothes and headed out to a boat with a lot of orange in it. I really love how Ben never gets too stoked on anything. It proves he has killed a lot of ladies in the past. I say that because Hey Bear is like “check out this huge yacht” and he’s like, “that’s a cool boat”. I love that he just rolls with shit. An A-Bomb could explode in the distance and he’d be like “wow, that’s a trippy explosion”. He’s a master of repeating what Hey Bear says. I really like the steeze. A+. Cue the sexy Enya music, which they did. It’s like Enya meets Coldplay’s “Clocks” meets that time you found out you ate mushrooms by mistake (they said it was just trail mix, wait that didn’t happen to you?).
So there was the lotion scene where Hey Bear first revealed as a seasoned Fantasy Suite episode enthusiast that she was here for sex. Sorry to my more prude readers (if there are any), this episode is about selecting three people you want to have sex with and throwing down in paradise. Hey Bear let Ben put lotion on her and ABC let us see him put it on her boobs. YOU KNOW YOU SAW IT.
Looking at the scenery, it was obvious that a person could fall in love with a tube sock in Fiji. And what better place to fall in love with a tube sock than Fiji. Somewhere in Chaddddddd’s Ford or wherever, Ames was crying. Not over Ashley, but over the cabana boy he found love with as they listened to “Corcovado” and swam in the ocean. I miss you Ames. I’d rather you came back than Ryan, who just makes me want to burn my face with a bic lighter. Slowly. That’s you Nerd.
The dinner date was kind of awkward because Tennisless Rafael Nadal did not land the match point ace he needed like it was the French Open final. With a woman so insecure, saying I love you would have sealed the deal. Only he only said something about “the whole I love you thing”, which is just saying “I love you”. Anyway, it was a money move. That and the translucent v-neck sweater, which in Fiji is a powerful aphrodisiac. In the end of the day, she was all in for the fantasy suite (faaaaaantasssssy suiiiiittttteeeeeee) and I’m pretty sure both parties got what they came for. That’s what she said.
Onto Constantine. Ash had that “I got sex last night” glow as she walked to meet Constantine and let him know that finally, FUCKING FINALLY, after 9 dreadful weeks of vague Asian market dates and dinners in random Asian candle fields, we would finally get… dot dot dot… A HELICOPTER!!!!!!!!!
The only person more excited than me was Constantine, who’s “you are crossing things off my bucket list” comment really began to explain what I’ve felt all along, this guy is really good at staying on the Bachelorette without the burden of winning it and getting stuck with an insecure dentist who probably kills you in your sleep when she suspects you love someone else, which could be anyone since she is pretty insecure. Can’t you picture her husband on the lawn talking to the mailman for too long and she’s like “who the FUCK was that?” he’s all “the mailman” and she’s like “sleep with one eye open I am onto you” and then you think back to Fiji and somehow can’t remember it. You die alone a librarian in the midwest.
I laughed when Hey Bear was like “I can’t believe you’ve never been on a helicopter!” I was thinking, “yeah dude, not all of us are chronically addicted to being on a reality television show. Of course I was on an episode of MTV’s Dismissed my freshman year in college. Yes, I won. No, I don’t have a copy. If you work at MTV, feel free to dig it up and embarrass me. I have nothing to hide… Except my embarrassing episode of Dismissed I filmed drunk at USC. The contestant was a Hooter’s waitress. I’m sorry, Mom. Pretty sure I also tried on a women’s sweatsuit at Guess at Hollywood and Highland. Yeah.
So, what was with Ryan being on the beach stalking the helicopter. In fairness, if I had heard a big Greek guy giggling flying overhead in a helicopter, I prolly come outside to check it out. Anyway, my dream of Ryan eating sand and crying didn’t happen, so whatever.
So there’s a waterfall and Constantine’s like a labrador retriever when you let it out of a car in place filled with new smells. He’s all “oh my god, a waterfall, are we jumping off it, probably not, oh we are?” Then they do jump off it and they do like a hardcore looking POWER SWIM to the shore to some intense Avatar music. It really pumped me up, but I had already worked out and was already shame eating because I was watching this show.
She starts grilling Constantine about if he is into her and why it takes him forever to commit to little things like “houses”. It’s like, dude, a wife is a bigger commitment than a house. When you sell a house, they pay you for it. When you sell a wife, she gets half of you. Just because Hey Bear is insecure doesn’t mean Constantine needs to rush in and he knows it. Although I enjoyed his defense which was that he knew “people are more dynamic than houses”. I don’t know. We stayed in a really trippy house in Palm Springs once and I know some people less dynamic than that place.
Hey Bear gave up on Constantine being the one, but she did NOT give up on trying to get Constantine to sleep with her. Constantine let his total bromance with Ben come out when they tried some white wine and he said it was grapefruity and then giggled like a school girl saying “Ben taught me that”. Pretty sure he’d have accepted the fantasy suite with Ben. Constantine’s intentions of seeing the world, hanging with his best friend Ben and doing it on Harrison’s dime are proven with his epic silence. Even after he was trying to politely not take advantage of her (kudos, bro), she was like, yeah, but do you want to go to the fantasy suite? He’s like “thanks for the helicopters”.
By the way, my wife pointed out something hilarious. They always make the date read the fantasy suite card (faaaaantassssy suite caaaard). It’s literally the Bachelor Literacy Test. This is when we find out they can read. Constantine ditched it, possibly just in time. I love that dude. He worked the “process” to perfection.
The Ryan adios was pointless. The only funny part was how he’d be all smiley than cut to an INTENSE FACE. This was an acting audition, but I think it backfired on him. I never want to see this asshole again, unless he’s putting in a tankless water heater to save me money.
We got some more gratuitous frog shots before the JP date, which bored me to death. I did appreciate Secret Assassin saying he was “going to find love and what better place to find love than Fiji”. I appreciate the years of buried military training manifesting itself as unquestioned loyalty to repeating what Harrison’s cronies tell him to say. Anyway, she had a midriff, they made out on a beach, JP got insecure about other dudes, but did a good job of being the old guy on the show and hiding it. He knows how to handle it. He had a leaf on his head later on when she was telling him about Ryan. I laughed at his comment thinking it was Bentley. I fell asleep for a few minutes. Woke up to Harrison…
Harrison was wearing his stylish tie made of Komodo Dragon skin which he won in a sword fight outside a bar in Hong Kong. He looked like he was going to kill Ashley at her JP beach metaphor. She was saying their relationship always moves forward on beaches. Hey Bear, you are the Bachelorette. You are always on a fucking beach. Even if that wasn’t true, what’s your plan? You going to live on a beach and drink coconut water for the rest of your life having the runs with a construction manager? I got that reaction through Harrison’s steely eyes that burned a hole right through her into his soon to be future where he gets to do drugs at the Bachelor Pad because no one there notices shit.
He wanted to know why she needed a rose ceremony even though there were only two dudes. She’s like, “I’m insecure”.
We’re in the homestretch friends. Don’t fail me now. Like Harrison, I can see my offseason approaching.
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