Fellow Arrogant Handsome People,
I write to you on this incredibly ordinary Thursday to outline briefly our extraordinary mission for this coming season. Last season, our goal was to celebrate our unlikeable coach by bringing his bold fashion choices and refusal to not “go for two” into the limelight. It was also to celebrate that NCAA sanctions are not a death sentence, rather a vacation from having to care about a broken (and now caught on fire) system. In essence, we proved that visors make girls excited (especially combined with a glove to help grip the offense play sheet) and that they may take our lives, but they will never sanction our endzone.
This season, we have loftier goals.
First and foremost, we need to punk Larry Scott in every way possible. The man is getting far to much credit for getting us a lot of money as a conference. I am sure the beavers and other assorted woodland creatures in the Pacific Northwest are thrilled that they will now be getting paid for sports, but really as I said yesterday, Larry Scott got us paid based on having Los Angeles, San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Denver and Phoenix as television markets. Praising this guy so much is like praising a dude with hot twins for sisters on finding them dates for prom. It’s like praising a guy for not missing the toilet bowl when he takes a dump. You are SUPPOSED to do this.
Larry Scott for Arrogant Nation is more famous for being the guy who said USC couldn’t play in the Pac 11 (it’s not 12 til we can play for the title) Championship if they were still under a bowl ban. The Pac 11 title isn’t a bowl game. We could play in it. This chicken shit just is afraid if we won it and the LOSER went to a BCS game, it would make the conference look even dumber than it did when he told us Oklahoma and Texas were coming and we got the Buffs and Utes. You’re amazing Larry!
Maybe there is some bylaw he is using to stop USC from playing in the title game should (and when) we qualify for it, but let’s be honest. If the NCAA and the other BCS conference presidents have proven anything this last year, there are no rules against lying, cheating or ignoring rules to benefit your conference. The Big Ten lobbied for Pryor and Co to get to play in their BCS game and won. The SEC kills people to get the job done. Larry, you may have gotten us a big television deal, but you are still perpetuating the idea that the Pac 11 is a bunch of pussies. And we are, except for USC, who instead of pushing to the front, you are stepping on our head.
What will you do when Andrew Luck takes his awkward face to the NFL? What will you do when Chip Kelly gets “sanctioned”? Come begging to USC to have some marquee players. Quick, name 3 players on Colorado’s team! See.
So, our first mission is to win the Pac 11 South, which was designed for us to win every year (basketball, not so much). Then, we will decline our invitation to the Pac 11 title game (which will be arrogant since we won’t be invited) via a post game press conference when The Visored One will be asked about not getting to go to the title and will respond with, “We wouldn’t have accepted the offer anyway, it’s Shark Week on Discovery and also my wife is hot”.
Mission two is to bring 2011 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley the Heisman I have promised him via text message. He is a humble guy and will always say the right thing to the media. That’s what the bearfighter is for. I (and you my Arrogant Nation) will tell the nation that Andrew Luck is crossbred with an unidentifiable farm animal and will not be a quality QB without his gentleman lover Coach Harbaugh. Kiff will do his part and let Barkley throw for 8 touchdowns a game because he believes in corporal punishment. We will need to do some big things together. It will be fun. And arrogant.
Finally, as was suggested to me by a forum member on The Peristyle, we need to abandon our singing of “UCLA SUCKS” during Tusk for just this season. This year, we’re singing “NCAA SUCKS” and getting that heard on every telecast. We’re going to make the news. I want you to film yourselves singing it, I’ll put it on the blog. I want it to catch fire. I will tell my homies at the Daily Trojan we’re doing this (although they already know). My boys at Neon Tommy will get the word out. Pedro Moura will pimp it on ESPN (even if he has to blame me for it because it’s the mothership and homie has a good gig, Trojans getting paid). My brother on the row will make the pledges learn it and go to sororities and teach our beautiful women. Film school students will make public service announcements. If Pat Haden won’t sue, we’ll get our point across. Fuck you, NCAA and you double standards and complete pointlessness. I’m calling you out for lack of institutional control. If USC can get smacked for “not knowing” about Reggie Bush, you should get smaked for “not knowing” anything, ever. You must have gone to business school with Frank McCourt, NCAA.
We’re not doing the NCAA SUCKS revision because we want a bowl game. We are doing it because sanctions are ruining the game and when other schools get punked, we can’t expect them to know how to party through it like Southern Californians. If this happens to an SEC team, suicide rates go up. We need to prevent that. Let’s use Larry Scott’s big new TV deal to let the world hear us ignore our rival for a season and instead, punk the NCAA like the part in Braveheart when they are getting shot with arrows and they moon the British even though some people get shot in the ass with arrows. That’s commitment to arrogance. Especially the thought of fighting without underwear on.
RETWEET THIS. SEND IT AROUND. I’VE SET THE BAR. IT’S YOUR TURN TO BE ARROGANT AND I WANT DETAILS OF YOUR PROGRESS.
Now here’s a picture of me drinking from a wizard staff at a Malibu beach home at sunset. You’re welcome.