A seaplane, the return of neon hi-lighter clothing, Fiji… This episode started off with a bang and no joke, Hey Bear even went so far as to say that Fiji was the perfect location to end this journey. I was in Bachelorette heaven minus two important elements: Chris Harrison blowing lines off a dead woman and a helicopter.
Immediately, we got a reminder of how much I didn’t like Hey Bear’s family last year, particularly her sister, who is like Kat Von D’s hit-in-the-face doppleganger. Besides looking like a 90’s porn star who gave up on plastic surgery about halfway through a planned transformation, she never shuts up and clearly contributed to Hey Bear’s extreme self-doubt and insecurity. I kept wishing the silent military hair cut brother would flush Kat Von Douche’s head down the toilet. Harrison would dig that. Of course, Chris probably got her into heroin in the first place last season. I love Chris Harrison. He talked her into the chest tattoos, which we all know are totally socially acceptable, nay, welcomed! They looks so good at 80 years old.
Side note, the Dad got the hi-lighter t-shirt memo. Jaysus.
Hey Bear’s reaction to the “does JP make you laugh” line was pretty much the first sign of a future divorce. I loved Hey Bear thinking she’s funny. Maybe, she got confused and thought they asked “does JP make you insecure” and she said “I make myself insecure”. I don’t know. That was some awkward television. But it was only an awkward appetizer to what was the real awkwardness.
Kat Von Douche just goes in and says JP is old balls, too much man for her, trying to say that Hey Bear is too fun for him (she doesn’t know her sister as well as we do. How fun do you need to be to avoid helicopters and constantly hang out in vague Asian markets). The Fisherman didn’t even fight back in a traditional sense, she just basically rolled over into an insecure zone, cried hysterically, and pretty much made me happy this was the last episode. I just hope when she gets divorced they don’t bring her ass back out to cry. Or the sister, who violated the golden rule: don’t give advice when you have tattoos on your boobs and are divorced. Don’t just not give relationship advice, don’t give any advice. Don’t even direct people to where the nearest bathroom is. Just be quiet and enjoy the fact you live in a country where you got to be on television despite being pointless. Also, Chanel earrings don’t make sense with your general bartender at the Viper Room get up. They look like a rich dude got them for you to keep you from slashing his tires.
I will say that the US Government needed to do a better job in their Black Ops programming of Secret Assassin. I have no idea how he didn’t activate and slice her head off by throwing a ballistic pineapple at her dome. Maybe they did a good job. Death by pineapple would have blown his cover.
That said, JP showed his age. He hung in there. Like George Washington at Valley Forge or the guy who married that girl that was hot in high school and she’s been going downhill this decade like Bode Miller in the Alps.
When Hey Bear sat down with her sister, I realized how little this made sense. Then I figured it out. Ash has been calling Kat Von Douche the whole time saying JP was old balls and her sister being a miserable divorced tattoo gallery was reminding her about that. Her point about Bentley was true. Ashley just loves whatever the fuck she wants and in the end of the day, Kat Von Douche knows Hey Bear doesn’t trust anything she says.
ZBOW rolled in next, did some dog talking and we found out exactly what Kat Von Douche wanted. She wants Hey Bear acting stupid, dancing and looking like a dumb person. She’s not interested in an older guy who won’t fuck up a marriage like her ex. Not to say Ben wouldn’t totally rock a marriage, but JP was on some mission to be super husband. Didn’t fly. Ben? Smooth. I think in the end of the day, the insecurity in the family runs so deep that his nonchalant steez of not trying to get anyone to like him worked perfectly. In the Hey Bear clan, the key is just saying “fuck off, here’s where I am at” and letting them self destruct.
Side note, I’d pay to see the whole real of Ben talking to her dad. I know that shit was epic. I can picture Constantine just showing up and getting shit faced. Rather have that than fucking “Take The Money And Run”. Get on it Harrison.
Ben rocked an AMAZING outfit to their date and was rewarded with a helicopter. YES! Even better, Ben felt the way I have, like maybe we need some more fucking helicopters this year. He’s like “I was hoping to see helicopters” and what better place to see helicopters than Fiji. I was just glad she didn’t take him to see where they bottle Fiji Water. That seems like on par for what Hey Bear calls a great little Saturday. Bed Bath and Beyond. If there’s time.
Then there was the mud bath. It got extra sexual. It was a sex burger with a side of sex fries… Actually, can I substitute those for sweet potato fries (waitress walks away) Wait! Ranch on the side, thayyyynks.
Where did I just go? Oh, I was avoiding this:
I’m not shy, but there was too much talk of mud and lube and eroticism for ABC, especially knowing that Harrison was smoking a J in the background behind a palm frond staring creepily. NEXT. Good for ZBOW though, he slow rolled her right into a sexual mud adventure, and how many of us can say that?
When Ben was about to tell her he loved her, I feel like the producers decided to use double sided tape inside Hey Bears mouth to lock her lips to her teeth so she wouldn’t chew her face off like she always does. Probably a defense mechanism against having her heart broken. Not sure how chewing the lower half of your face off protects you from anything other than dental bills, but anyway. Good for Ben. He said I love you. That’s the relationship endzone. All he had to do is see if the score held up.
Secret Assassin did a great job starting what would be the key operation of their possible marriage: Cutting Kat Von Douche out of their life, which is probably wise because she will def be begging JP for money in 7 years after her 3rd failed marriage. I hope he Tivo’d this shit so when she comes over begging for help with the mortgage he just cues the season finally. Or send her to this blog. Boom.
When Hey Bear drops the super insecure “will we start a new life or will I move to NYC and be your trophy prize (4th place or so)”, JP answered with a simple look built through years of CIA training. And here it is:
BOOM. You’re mine, woman. It was like watching Oprah say “bitch, please” and then giving her a new caaaAAAaaaaarrrrr! All in one look. The Assassin within has been activated. Ben, let’s drink wine together. The scales got tipped. JP found a way to make her insecure and secure at the same time. It’s like seeing the Matrix the first time. Boom.
That said, as I sensed Ben’s demise, I couldn’t help but think how much wine he’d sell and what an amazing choice of Nor Cal women he will now have. If it went down like it looked like it might, it was going to be the beginning of Ben’s reign of terror over the Bay Area with Constantine riding in the side car of their two person motorcycle.
I’m not commenting on JP’s love letter and her photo album. Guys do this shit, let’s not talk about it. That said, he referred to themselves in the 3rd person. Sorry. Just puked in my mouth a little.
Neil Lane showed up to do the wedding ring thing. Let’s just get it clear, this guy just fronts as a ringmaker. This is Harrison’s right hand man, he steals these rings off dead wedding parties he killed. Look at him.
Never, ever trust a well-tanned, sharp dressed rich old guy who leaves more than one button undone under his blazer. It’s a recipe for disaster and I think you know I know these things. The man has eyes like a shark. He says nice things, but I know the truth. Harrison got someone preggers and he calls Neil Lane to make them “go away”.
They put these brusiers in suits, they got on a neon seaplane and we went into the familiar here comes the boom finale…
First off, holy shit what a silly ass dress they had Hey Bear in. It looked like she had a nice dress and then ran through that mud bath again and collected hay and seaweed at the bottom. I honestly think the wardrobe people on this show like to fuck with the people on it.
Hey Bear let Ben propose, which was fucked up. Luckily, ZBOW is no fucking joke and he gave Hey Bear a celestial gut kick I wish more contestants on this show did. He didn’t sit around letting her “sugarcoat it”, instead, he peaced out, said “I went for it, you blew it” and politely got out. He denied her the “I’m so happy for you” speech and acted like a real man. She’ll always have to wonder about that. He was pretty clear and said probably the only soulful or intelligent line I’ve ever heard on this show. He said “good things don’t end unless they end badly”. It’s so true. I was like, damn. For two seconds I felt bad for a man who in the end, doesn’t have to spend his life reassuring Hey Bear she isn’t a total headcase. Instead, he can do his thing, maybe be the next Bachelor and drop his game on the universe. I am just so refreshed to see a contestant be polite and leave without the whole drawn out thing. He’s a real man. A real man that looks like he’s won several French Opens.
JP’s proposal was good, they seem happy and then I turned off the tv somewhere in the middle of their montage (I don’t need to see them in more vague Asian markets, I got it already), realizing I had become the big winner. No more boring Hey Bear dates. There will be a new season with repelling off buildings and helicopters and drama. We can do better than this.
I head into my offseason now (which is my on season really, for USC football and Arrogant Nation). Thanks for taking “this journey” with me this season. For my Arrogant Nation readers who told me in dozens of emails they only watched the show to read the blog, thank you so much. For you people out there who only read this during Bachelor season, take it from my football fans. If you watch football, the weekly recaps work the same way. I hope you all stick around.
I will not be covering Bachelor Pad (maybe a post if I sneak in an episode), so for most of you, this is good bye until 2012. Please keep me on your blog rolls, RSSs and FB feeds. I’d give you all a rose if I could.
Oh shit, my helicopter is here. I’m out for now.
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