2011 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley is Off to An Arrogant Start and Yes I’m Volunteering a Beard.

I tried to send Matt some pictures from New Orleans this weekend to show him how hard I was training for his Heisman campaign, but somehow hand grenades, big brass bands and white linen parties make it hard to operate a BlackBerry (or in my case, ZackBerry).  Yes, I’m too arrogant to use a phone with “apps”.  I have a bear that I made a wi-fi helmet for and he just carries my laptop around and googles things for me as I need them.  He’s lucky I put him to work and didn’t put him down.

Then I remembered this video of Matt from media day and realized he is now starting to bring in his own brand of arrogance. I just want him to keep pushing this exact envelope.  After a day of dealing with Pac 12 media questions that were probably pointless like “how do you get up for games with sanctions” (what, our answers last year didn’t cover it?), Matt just decided it was time to rock an Irish accent that also had some Braveheart in it, a positive thing.  Peep this:

It’s all happening Arrogant Nation.  Our quarterback has begun doing accents.  It’s my dream he takes this further than Clinton Portis did with Southeast Jerome:

Honestly, Matt, I should say this to you in private but I think you should see how much Arrogant Nation is into the idea of you being the bearfighter in your postgame interviews.  I think this leads to NFL dollars (in two years bro.  two years) as it shows that basically you are showing them you have what it takes.  This video was a great first step.

Imagine it.  You go to South Bend and remind Notre Dame one win doesn’t change their decade long downfall and then in your post game, you bring in a stuffed bear head and just rest your arm on it drinking some muscle milk and answering every question in an Irish accent.  I’d say use a real bear head, I just don’t want you to be negatively impacted by PETA’s reaction to that.  I’ll take the fall for it, not you man.

You mention that you’d grow an Andrew Luck beard if it was red.  For no reason at all, if my beard grows long enough, I get some reddish hue to it.  So hear’s what I am going to do.

One thing the haters like to say is you need to limit your interceptions to win the Heisman.  I am going to commit to not shaving between interceptions.  I know this could have adverse consequences at my office as if you got ten weeks without a pick, I will most likely look homeless and lose my job or look really Brooklyn/Silverlake and be irresistible to the women in my ad agency.  Both are huge sacrifices, naturally.

If you throw a pick (like if you get bored of scoring touchdowns and just try knocking Kiffin’s visor off with a pass and some cornerback gets lucky charms on you, I am shaving.  I will be crying bear blood tears when I shave.  I’ll be like Natalie Portman getting her head shaved in V for Vendetta if this happens, but I am going to shave.  I shave and we start over until the next pick.  I will give you a beard to counteract Andrew Luck’s attempt to tip the scales (and hide his ridiculous face, not working, it’s making more people look at it).

Side note, arrogant how NP looks good when she’s getting her head shaved, when she’s freaking out in a psychedelic ballet experience or wearing a seizure-protection helmet on the back of scooter in New Jersey with the dude from Scrubs.  I mean, that’s pretty good.

So Matt.  Keep the ball in Robert Woods’ hands (this year and next year, I need you to put a plaque on the wall of the Rose Bowl) and I shall provide you with the beard you require.

DO WE HAVE AN ACCORD?

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8 Comments

Filed under Rants and Musings

8 responses to “2011 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley is Off to An Arrogant Start and Yes I’m Volunteering a Beard.

  1. Am I the only one here noticing that he was doing a SCOTTISH accent. Not Irish, not English.

  2. Epic arrogance. Accents and beards. Dig that.

  3. Oh good. Yes, Zack, please volunteer your face instead of Matt’s. USC QBs can NOT, I repeat, can NOT grow facial hair during the season. There is a curse since Palmer I have noticed. http://www.oakmonster.com/2008/10/05/shave-that-sanchez/

  4. tgmbithotu

    When are the new t-shirts available?? Can’t wait!!

  5. kg23

    i hereby link this video, that you’ve probably already seen, to point out the amazingness that is 0:32-0:35 seconds https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHQOFwcubqk&feature=player_embedded#at=119

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