From the deck of my yacht that doubles as an island (see below), I find myself throwing empty champagne bottles at the Captain (is he dead?) to wake him up. We are under 48 hours away from the beginning of the Trojan football season. This guy needs to wake up, I don’t care if he is buried under a pile of Spanish underwear models. It was his fault for claiming to be able to bench press them after drinking so much on basically an empty stomach (he had some caviar). Look, things get weird on an island-shaped yacht in the Dutch Antilles when you thought you were in Cuba. I had never heard of an everclear and motor oil mojito, but I assure you it is possible. A motojito, if you will.
As we race back in time for me to host tonight’s Fall Sports Rally as the Galen Center (7pm, see you there), I am having a hard time enjoying the warm air and sunshine. That’s because I keep having a vision of the overweight, frozen horde descending down from the midwest to watch their football team lose on Saturday. I speak of the Minnesota Golden Gophers, a bad football team that fired their coach last year for being bad at coaching football.
When I think of Minnesota, all I can really think of are the following things: snow, not working out because it’s snowing, paleness, weird food influenced by Canada, the Mall of America, the Mighty Ducks, the scene in Mighty Ducks where they rollerblade through the Mall of America, the second weirdest accent in the US (you win Boston, keep trying New Orleans), frightening and uncalled-for friendliness and this strange vision of a moose drinking from a pond (potentially an acid flashback).
Come to think of it, the Mighty Ducks were pretty amazing. That said, you know they filmed 90% of it in California because seriously, fuck Minnesota and the moose you rode in on. It takes a special arrogance to be so cruel to such a naturally kind people, but I am the bearfighter and I know my friends from Minnesota are too nice to say anything mean to me. Most likely, worst case, they bake me some lemon bars and use icing to make frowny faces on them. I can handle it, although I probably throw the bars in the toilet when they leave, flush them and then never return the tupperware, even when they remind me to bring it to their Christmas party, which I don’t plan to attend.
The Gophers have hired a new coach and his name is pretty arrogant, it’s Jerry Kill, which sounds like a malicious World War II nickname for a dude that kept shooting when his unit’s Tom Hanks was all “cease fire, cease fire” and Kill is just still pumping the flamethrower into the bunker screaming something about his ex wife and taxes. That said, the coach’s name is pretty much the only thing Minnesota has going for them, including their ridiculous logo:
Let’s be honest, this logo is the second most likely logo to try and sexually accost you behind Sparky, the Arizona State pedophile. Not even their ugly uniform change will hide the fact that they have a Disney-designed sex offender on the back of his helmet. More on this later this year. A lot more. With a lot of “experts” picking ASU to win the Pac 11 South, I am going to be giving them hell all year. I’m re-enacting an Aspen Extreme training montage in my suburban palace right now, that’s how excited I am for the ASU Arrogant Game Preview. (side note, the cokehead from that movie is Peter Berg and he created the Friday Night Lights TV series. CLEAR EYES, FULL HEARTS, CAN’T LOSE – unless you are Minnesota). Watch this, it will make your Thursday and piss you off if you were born after 1987 and don’t remember this.
Real quick, check out Jerry Kill and picture my WWII story. You know I’m on point. Put down the flamethrower, Jerry:
Look into his eyes. What did you do in ‘Nam, Jerry? Let it out, you need to let it out. It was war, Jerry. It was hell. It’s in the past. Jerry put down that knife you ordered from QVC drunk at 3am crying…
You see my point. Those are serial killer teeth. I know Minnesota isn’t a big paying job, but it’s enough to pay for dental work. What does it look like when he bites into an apple (I’m guessing a lot like Andrew Luck’s profile). Actually, they couldn’t have found a dude who looked more like the team mascot. It’s like when people look like their dogs.
On the subject of Gopher football (man, this is tough), here are the stats “Gopher Sports dot com” listed. I’ll annotate in red like I always do…
Gopher Grid-Bits (also a menu item at their stadium. part pork, part gravy, part potato and something mayo-like)
>Minnesota is 89-32-6 all-time in season-openers for a winning percentage of .724. probably not helping them Saturday…
> The Golden Gophers have outscored their last seven season-opening opponents by an average score of 37.6-17.1 That includes a 23-20 overtime win in 2009 and a 24-17 victory last year. still pretty sure that won’t stop the Visored One from embarrassing them after I’ve eaten five bear tacos and a 12’er of something light that I won’t admit to drinking later on.
> Minnesota has played 127 seasons of college football, coming into 2011. Only three other schools — Rutgers (141), Michigan (131) and Navy (130) have played more. two current stats and then they just go into a stat bragging that they have played the third most seasons of any school? dude, this is like going on a date and telling her you’ve been refused sex by the third most women at your high school. how are we supposed to take this? like, yup! another season of losing! damn, we’ve been doing that for 127 years! let’s eat to celebrate!
> The Gophers are 25-27 all-time vs. current members of the Pac-12. Minnesota had a winning record vs. the league prior to this year. But an 0-3 mark vs. Colorado pushed the Gophers under .500. jeez. i bet this really pumped up the Minnies for their season opener. this is almost as bad as Oregon’s bowl record.
> Minnesota came from behind in all six of its victories in 2009 and all three in 2010. The last time the Gophers won a game without trailing was a 17-6 win at Purdue on Oct. 25, 2008. first, just an awkward first sentence. second, this is basically a stat trying to say Minnesota “has heart” that reads like Minnesota is “always losing”.
We’ve got 2011 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley staring his campaign. We’ve got Robert Woods ready to build a fort in the endzone. We’ve got Rick Noohisul about to get fired and unable to pick a quarterback. It’s a big weekend. What am I most excited for? Lane Kiffin and his majestic neon white visor coming out onto the field, more majestic than Traveler. In the 4th quarter, they will light the Olympic torch by reflecting the glow off the visor with a hand held mirror. It’s going to blow minds.
I missed this guy. And you, white visor. Guy looks like Gandalf riding in from the East when he takes the field. I tear up a little bit and can’t explain why.
We’re off to go back-to-back undefeated seasons in arrogance, but Kiffin’s opening game outfit will truly set the tone. If my homeboy Matt Barkley is reading this, throw up a bear claw or make an A with your hands after a touchdown pass. Or say arrogant or bearhunter in your postgame interview. Arrogant Nation feeds on victory. Feed them, Matt. Let the visor’s undying light guide you.
MINNESOTA 7 (Kiffin goes home at halftime and Monty falls asleep, so they punch one in)
2pt conversions attempted 0 (sadly, we have a kicker this year so we’re going to need to take this n00b out for a test drive)
TONITE, GALEN, 7PM. Be there. I’m hosting the Fall Sports Rally and you should see me scream and yell. I expect you to be there, I am giving my best Coach Taylor Friday Night Lights pump up speech in which I may or may not be sporting a white visor. Coach O will be there. We got two teams fresh off three-peats. It’ll be a good time.
Also, proud to finally open our online store for business with hot new designs, hot old designs and a new visor. Sorry for the delay, most of you know about getting things sorted out with USC. We’re all good. Check the chart on the site for when your gear would arrive relative to when it’s ordered. We’re doing a rush first batch, so if you want it soon, order immediately.
REAL QUICK CLICK HERE and vote for me for CBS’ Most Valuable Blogger Sports. There’s a Bruin up for it, so we need you to vote daily. Tweet it, repeat it, FB it. You’ve been doing a great job, but we need to spread the word. Donate your status. I am not losing to a Bruin. Ever.
Here are links you will need this season. I’ll see you for the Arrogant Nation turntable room on Friday, I’ll see you at the Coliseum on saturday (tweet at me if you want to bring me a beer @lost_angeles) and I’ll be back Monday with our Arrogant Game Recap.
Smile, it’s football season.