Arrogant Game Recap: Minnesota Golden Gophers

Good Tuesday to you all Arrogant Nation.  We had a great weekend.  We experienced a USC Perfect Day where we won (obviously) and Notre Dame and UCLA both lost.  We are 1-0 on the field.  As you no doubt expect, I will explain why we are 1-0 in Arrogance, keeping our defeated streak at 14 wins in Arrogance.  In Kiffin we trust. But real quick, let’s talk about my weekend.

Most of you barbequed for Labor Day, and while I respect that, I was drinking pressed ginger root and lemon on Sunday in Malibu hiding from the paparazzi (arrogant to do this in Malibu where I am easily spotted) when a few supermodels at the Lumber Yard explained to me a Labor Day tradition that is incredibly popular in Europe, specifically late-night haute cuisine cooking gang circles in Provence and the underground lake jetskiing for pink slip circuit off Ibiza.  Instead of celebrating a day off of labor (which the Europeans don’t need), they instead go to hospitals where celebrity children are being born and have wild caviar and champagne parties where they blast music and try to distract the doctors delivering the baby.  There’s a points system and moreso, an incredibly ridiculous gambling scene that accompanies this with a wide range of parlays to make even the least interested birth watcher shell out some Euros.

I can’t tell you where I went, who’s baby I saw born and how long the labor lasted, but rest assured I made a lot of money, friends and probably need therapy.  As fucked up as this experience was, it didn’t come close to preparing me for what Under Armour did to Maryland’s uniforms.  Felt like I was riding a unicorn through a field drinking pure LSD.  Good work, Under Armour…

So let’s get down to business.  Our 19-17 TRIUMPH over the bastard children of the frozen North and their head coach and his serial killer teeth.  This was a game of two separate and completely different halves, both arrogant for totally different reasons.  This game was like buying a pack of Nerds except instead of one side being grape and the other being watermelon, in this case one side was flavored “awesometown” and the other “shitburgers”.  But as I have come to show you, there is a reason for everything.  So first, let’s talk half one.

Kiffin let Heisman Woods know the USC single game receptions record before, suggested they break it and then just kept passing the ball until USC was beating the hell out of the Gophers, Woods was well on his way to breaking Johnnie Morton’s receptions record with a 17 receptions for 177 yards and three touchdowns kinda day and 2011 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley was en route to 34-of-45 for 304 yards, 3 TDs and no interceptions.  Side note, no picks, no shaving.  Here’s the beard:

This first half kept getting arrogant, and I should have seen it coming.  Kiffin was rocking the white visor and a white shirt.  His outfit could collect enough solar energy to power the ENORMOUS FUCKING SCOREBOARD THEY INSTALLED AT THE COLISEUM.  In fact, I am pretty sure that’s what his headset was, just a power cord for the scoreboard.  I am pretty sure Kiff didn’t need a headset to tell Barkley “hey, just keep throwing it to Woods”.  Frankly, our 19-3 halftime lead goes to show you that we can run one play for a half to one player and put a lead up.  Arrogant.  I kept laughing in the stands with every completed pass, not just because it was hilarious that we had to make zero adjustments (or handoffs) to put up a big lead, but also because I got a text message from the editor of Cigar Aficionado that was totally funny.  It was an inside joke, sorry.

Kiffin also gave me my money’s worth by REFUSING to kick an extra point in the first half despite going out and recruiting Andre Heidari for that exact purpose.  Arrogant!  Kiffin did me such a favor as suddenly, the world (and Bill Plaschke) began using the word “arrogant” to describe our style of play (which for one half was throw every down to one person and refuse to kick the ball even if kicking the ball was the only way to disarm a bomb tied to Kiffin’s entire family and visor collection).  Basically, thanks Kiff.  You are getting the word out.  I don’t care if the media got you to admit you should have kicked a few PAs.  Two words.  Fuck them.  You were awesome out there.  I know what you were doing, I know why and I am really impressed.  Utah will have no clue how to stop our field goal onslaught next week.  You showed the world we can win with one play.  Next week, you are going to show the world that play can be a field goal, regardless of field position, down or situation.  I hope you are doing some Rocky IV style training Andre.  Your day is coming.

don't look at me until you've gone for two at least three times.

So the question is, how did USC manage to keep this game so close that it took a last minute interception to preserve the win.  You are not going to believe me when I tell you this and frankly I don’t care.  I need to wrap this up.  I have to cut Pippa Middleton’s hair.  I don’t even know how to cut hair or why my agent booked it, but in the end I can sleep on the Global Express when we cross the pond and there are harder ways to earn 250K in 2 hours (like being Jerry Kill’s dentist).

The reason USC was shut out in the second half was because in the locker room at halftime, Lane Kiffin told the players they had to pretend this was NCAA 12 on PS3 and play only by looking at the video on the USC scoreboard.  It didn’t matter what direction we were going, offense or defense, Barkley threw the ball while looking at the giant scoreboard powered by Kiffin’s visor and nothing else.

If completing passes while using your peripheral vision to duck defenders will staring at a blimp-sized scoreboard to find your receiver isn’t arrogant and Heisman worthy, then I don’t know what is.

1 win on the field, 1 win in Arrogance.  We’re off to a good start.

Before I go, thanks to you all for coming out to the Fall Sports Rally on Thursday:

It was arrogant as hell to hear you all scream when I came out of the tunnel at Galen and know that Arrogant Nation is in the streets.  For those of you who rocked the 9-0 with me afterwards, wow.  That deserves it’s own post, but a special cheers to Monish and Logan, student body executive chief level rockstars.  More on this in a special post. To the rest of you at the 9-0, thanks for the memories and lack there of.

Sorry to ask again (no I’m not) but REAL QUICK CLICK HERE and vote for me for CBS’ Most Valuable Blogger Sports.  There’s a Bruin up for it, so we need you to vote daily.  Tweet it, repeat it, FB it.  You’ve been doing a great job, but we need to spread the word.  Donate your status.  I am not losing to a Bruin.  Ever.  Voting ends Sept. 9th.

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CLICK HERE TO JOIN ARROGANT NATION
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Last but not least, a little shout out to Trojans on campus.  The debut show of “SCOMEDY LIVE” is tomorrow, TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6 at 9:00pm @ TRADDIES/TOMMY’S PLACE.  Free admission and you can drink.

See you Thursday for the AGP for Utah.

3 Comments

Filed under Rants and Musings

3 responses to “Arrogant Game Recap: Minnesota Golden Gophers

  1. RyguySC

    Zack, I understand you a busy individual – being arrogant is a full time position with much overtime. I would like to make a request however as I am a huge fan. If you find yourself ever taking a break from your bear hunting expeditions, you should do a special recap of a Notre Dame or UCLA game. These last weekends would be perfect too as Notre Dame basically had 2 half times due to weather and still couldn’t figure out how to beat South Florida. Or you could discuss how Noohisul completely blew it against Houston. I think you could have an arrogantly awesome time with this!

  2. Don’t forget, we might have had two arrogant wins. We also won, and dropped out of the top 25. Fight On!

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