I am sitting here baffled. I have called my top scientific researchers in to help me figure out something pressing, something integral to our success this week in going 2-0 on the field and in arrogance. Included in my crack team of super brains are a former CIA regime toppler-slash-high wind scenario sniper. He doesn’t have a name. Even if I gave it to you, you wouldn’t worry about it. Dude had his finger tips melted off to get rid of fingerprints and he shaves his entire body every morning to not leave hair or fucking DNA or whatever it is that gets you pinched.
With him, a Spanish parkour enthusiast who rowed for Cambridge, a guy who is awesome with lazers, a capoeira trainer, three Bear Kings from the northern woods (they were dropping off my laundry in exchange for their lives) and Aaron Rodgers, who I needed to smack in the face because he was whining about Sanchito posing in GQ. Side note, just because you won a Super Bowl doesn’t mean you played in a Rose Bowl, Aaron. It doesn’t mean you converted that 4th and 9. We don’t have an NFL team and don’t care about your “Super Bowl”. We’re just waiting for Cal not to be 1-10 against us in the Tedford Era.
Anyway, this super team was assembled for won purpose: to figure out who Utah is and why we are playing them on Saturday. Utah? More like WHO-tah.
Look, I’ll give it to you Who-tah. Your coach has a killer haircut and reminds me of the bad guy from Avatar. He also does things like this in public:
While Utah has continued to perform incredibly well after Urban Meyer left to go pay Cam Newton at Florida and make shady decisions like quitting for family, unquitting, then requitting for like heath all that, I gotta be honest when I say them bringing Norm Chow back in makes me arrogantly confident we’re in good shape. Here’s why.
Norm Chow is bogus. I have to just say it. Even if he never loses another game, he’s not arrogant and he is bogus as wolf tickets. Norm was pissed that Uncle Pete got the credit for all of our awesome winning (both the games that counted and the ones that apparently didn’t). So Norm bailed and sucked in the NFL. Then he went to UCLA and sucked. Now he’s gone to Utah.
Let me break this incredible strategy out for you in dating terms. You break up with the hot girl because you don’t feel hot enough for her. So you go date an older girl who is not as hot, but she’s older so she can pay for dinner and stuff. But it doesn’t work out and to make your ex-girlfriend jealous, you start dating her ugliest friend who lives in Westwood. Then she dumps you and you end up in Utah around lots of hot girls, but they probably won’t sleep with you.
That’s Norm Chow. Remember when he was like gonna be this big head coach? If you defect to UCLA, you had better at least She’s All That that school and make her hot by taking off her glasses and making her wear clothes that fit and making her paint less.
I give the school credit though, they clearly did what they had to because somehow they are sitting at the cool kid table now. I bet they were as excited to be in the Pac 12 as we were not-excited to find out they were coming along with Colorado (the bastard child of the west). We were all waiting on Texas and Oklahoma and they are like “HEY! We got the Buffalos and Who-Tah” and I’m like “THANKS LARRY SCOTT, tell someone else you are great, I know you are a huge pussy.” There I said it. Larry Scott, coward balls.
This game is important though and Utah is worth taking seriously (as a football team, not as a state). The game is important because in order to win the Pac 12 South and get denied by Larry Scott the opportunity to play in the Pac 12 Championship, we need to win the south. So, we need to beat Utah (in football only because in terms of state, attractiveness of student body and proximity to ocean, we’re in good shape). That said, I give Utah credit. I had science text books that were more expensive than a semester in Salt Lake City drinking half-beer. I once drank like 20 beers at Sundance with some locals after watching a documentary about French street performers in parliament and was so not drunk I still won 2 grand in a game of five-finger-fillet with a man who claimed to be a snowboard champion. They need to get with Canada and learn their beer secrets. If your beer doesn’t get you drunk at high altitudes, your beer sucks. I don’t care if it’s craft brew.
Let’s get into it. All I keep hearing is Utah runs a pro style offense and that is going to help us. All I know is if Norm is calling the plays, Kiffin’s arrogance alone should count for an extra three men on the field. The visor is good for 7. This game may get really arrogant. It’s going to be short pass after short pass on both sides of the ball. It’s going to be a battle of butter knives and I think when it comes to a torture death, bet on the visor.
Mr. Wynn, Who-Tah’s QB threw for like 100 yards in their triumph over Montana State. 2011 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley threw for 100 yards before he realized he was actually playing in a game. Like he was like, “where the fuck am I” and Heisman Woods was just like “dude, we’re up 14”.
Utah will be pretty up for this game, so they need to be taken seriously. Again, the football team. Not the state of Utah, which we don’t need to take seriously at all. Except for this thing:
That rock is awesome, good work Utah. Know what you kind of blew it on? The shape of your state.
Your state looks like the bastard piece in a game of Tetris. Like, the guy who made Tetris let his intern make a shape and he came back with this and then all the developer nerds picked him up and drowned him in a toilet. Like, what’s the deal with the state shape, Utah? All those straight lines just means you wanted it and no one gave a shit. Cool states have squiggly borders because they have an ocean or like a river people fought to keep. It was like you, Colorado, Arizona and New Mexico got together and were like let’s draw state lines. New Mexico and Arizona were like “we want a border with Mexico so our high school kids have somewhere to go party” and then Colorado is like, “fuck, I guess we’ll take the Rockies” and then Utah is like shit. At least we look like a shitty Tetris piece.
I’ll give Utah one thing. They have people who have the time to make horses pose for photos like this:
It’s so John Wayne. Then again, John Wayne played running back for USC. So suck it Utah. See you Saturday. Let’s duke it out.
I really think Utah comes in stoked to not be in Utah and playing a real team, so they will make it a good game. Ultimately, the visor is too white, the playcalling is too arrogant, Barkley and Woods are too Heismany and frankly, the shock of not being in Utah may fuck with their game. Also, Norm experiences shrinkage in the presence of the house Pete built. FACT.
2 Point Conversions
1 for 1
I mean, after taking so much shit from the media about going for two, Kiffin will kick field goals. But he’s going to go for two once just to tell Plaschke to fuck off and kick rocks.
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